The Bloke and I are attending a wedding this weekend. It’s The Bloke’s niece and her partner, and they’ve been living overseas for a number of years: they’re coming back to Aus to do the nuptials, then returning to their home in Europe.
Now, on the wedding invitation, it mentions that they don’t want any gifts…with the reason being that they can’t cart them back to Europe in their luggage. Makes sense to me!
But it **doesn’t **mention that they would appreciate cash in lieu. There was no hint of a ‘giving envelope’ or whateverthehelltheycallthosethingsnowadays, or that there would be any other facility to make a donation towards the future life of the blessed couple.
My argument is that as there is no request for , then no are expected. The Bloke reckons that we should cough up some $ anyways.
The proverbial Ms Manners would call the mother of the bride and ask. Or at least that’s what my mother did for the wedding we’ll be attending this summer. FTR, Aunt’s answer was “are you kidding me, those two have everything already”. Mom insisted on getting an account number to cover our food; if I know my Aunt, she’ll be sending it to charity…
Watching the socially-adept dance always feels to me like a ritual from an alien species, I would have called my aunt, gotten that response and said “ok, works for me”.
Etiquette should be that gifts aren’t mentioned at all in the wedding invitation. They breached that out of what is a somewhat necessity. I’d assume that cash (or maybe even sending a gift to their home in Europe) would be the best option.
Yeah, we will ring the MOTB in the morning Nava, but I guess I’m a bit pissed-off that the instructions were not more clear in the wedding-invitation itself. Last family wedding it was made abundantly clear that cash gifts were the preferred option, but this one is more ambiguous.
I feel like giving them zilch just to teach them a lesson!!
See, since the standard here is to phone your response, leaving those details out is perfectly kosher. You can ask for them / offer to help / whatever when you call.
Of the cousins who’ve invited me to their weddings, I much prefer the ones who did not include gift information (knowing we’d call) to the one whose bank account was listed on the front of the card. Perhaps the fact that the first ones are pleasant when we encounter each other and do not ask for money while the second one contacts me periodically asking for money has left me with a bias, mind you.
How things have changed! You’re not supposed to mention gifts at all in the invite. I will give them a pass since they have a legitimate reason, but of course you should give some money. Don’t not give them money just to “teach them a lesson”; they did the right and proper thing and the money-grubbing couple that asked for cash in the invite did not.
Asking for money would have Miss Manners in vapours. In etiquette terms gifts are never a requirement they are an expression of your joy in their happiness. I would default to giving a cash gift.
They didn’t mention cash because it would be horribly gauche to do so! That doesn’t mean it isn’t a welcome gift. As others have said, to even mention gifts on the invite is generally crass (even to say you don’t want them, because that implies you expect them) but here they have a very specific reason for putting it out there - it would be literally impossible to accept the gifts.
There is absolutely no connection between not mentioning a specific type of gift (cash) and not wanting it. That said, wedding gifts are always optional. In the end it’s up to you.
If a prior wedding couple “made abundantly clear they wanted cash” they were the crass ones. Wedding invites should never include “instructions for gift giving.” Gross.
In this case I would probably give a gift certificate to a nice store in a very nice card (assuming you can find a store that would have branches in their home location - Ikea or something?). I hate giving cash as a gift - nothing says, “I don’t know you and here is my obligatory gift” like cash.
Maybe there should be a trend back to phoning in your RSVP? The RSVP card has taken that personal step out of the chain, perhaps it needs to come back. Surely we’re not too busy to phone someone w/ a Yea or Nay and that’s a great opportunity to clarify anything about the invitation.
Yeah, sheesh! Did they also specify the amount you were to give, and what denominations they’d prefer? It’s a gift, not a payment for services rendered. The giver should give whatever they feel like giving (or if they choose, nothing at all). Ideally, their goal is to please the recipient, and so they’ll give something they know the recipient will like. But if they really have no idea (or know for certain that tangible items would not be desirable), and they want to give something, then obviously, they should give the universally-welcomed, one-size-fits-all gift: money. Seriously, do they really need to say, “We would not be unhappy to receive free money.”? And if, like Cat Whisperer, you feel cash is too impersonal, then make it a gift certificate.
Anyone mentioning gifts of any type on the wedding invitation is a buffoon. Mentioning no gifts is not much better. I suppose given the circumstances they didn’t have much choice though, so whatever.
I think cash or a gift card would be the way to go. I’m not sure what ‘lesson’ you would be teaching by giving nothing being that they did the etiquettely correct thing and what you’re suggesting would have been obnoxious.
You don’t have to give cash but if your SO already knows he wants to, and it’s his niece, then I don’t see any reason to worry about the etiquette and intentions here. I would tell him go ahead and its his job to remember to pick up a card.
What is the lesson? “We only give gifts to rude, pushy people. Work on that obnoxiousness. If you have kids, make sure the baby shower is a cash grab. Just think ‘gimme, gimme, gimme!’”
Cash or a gift certificate (for a store there) would be nice and easy for them to take back with them.
I do wonder though: They’ve been in Europe for a number of years, but they’re going to Australia for the wedding, and then immediately decamping back to Europe. This seems the teensiest bit like a gift grab.
Now, I’m sure it’s justified by observing that the families are in Australia and this is a big important event, and those family members would be taken aback to learn there was a wedding (in Europe) that they couldn’t participate in, and this is a great chance for everyone to meet the new spouse. This justification is probably even half-true (or indeed 85% true).
Wow. I can’t imagine how much less of a gift grab could exist than flying halfway around the world in order to include your families and specifically requesting no gifts.
Just shows that if a person wants to think badly of you, they will, no matter what you do!
Give them the money you would normally spend on a gift. I agree, gifts should not be mentioned anywhere on the invitation, but they do have a point. I didn’t even register anywhere because it felt too much like telling people what to do.
I don’t remember a time when a written response to a wedding invitation wasn’t used. Even the shotgun weddings I’ve attended had written invitations and responses. I guess a spur-of-the moment wedding might get a phone response if I were given a phone invitation, but that’s never happened. If I remember correctly, you respond in the method you were invited, so an email invitation can get an emailed response, but a written invitation needs a written response. I think the response card is rather new. Before people were expected to do the right thing and respond without having to be given a stamp and envelope.
See? Show’s you how out of the wedding-thing loop I am!! None of my closer friends ever bothered to get married at all, and back in those days it was always acceptable to offer a material gift anyway. My, how times have changed.
But thank you for all the advice offered. By the way, I had no real intention of ‘teaching them a lesson’…I thought the smart-arse smilie after my comment might have indicated that.
