Microsoft: Take your Xbox One, and your paperclip, and stick them both UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!

[russian_heel]

I’ve enjoyed my day playing NBA2K17 on my year old XBOXOne yesterday afternoon and early this morning, and God forbid, made the decision to change from that game t NHL2K16. This, like you would imagine MOST video game consoles, simply requires me to eject the NBA disc and insert the NHL disc.

OOOOOOOH NO, not with Xbox One. Apparently after spending hundreds of dollars on their piece of shit Xbox One, I have to use a PAPERCLIP, and stick in the right place, in case my NBA game didn’t eject when hitting the proper button on the face of the Xbox.

For real: the Xbox guide suggests turning the power completely off of the console then restarting it, and then if the disc still does not eject—I use a fucking PAPERCLIP to eject the disc!

That’s right folks, I have to use a fucking paperclip, a 19th Century device, to make what is supposedly one of the most competitive video game systems of 2016 function, and not only that, it has to be the proper thickness and light of paperclip.

I am not fucking with you:

http://support.xbox.com/en-US/xbox-one/console/manually-eject-disc

But its not good enough you get a good paperclip. You have to ANGLE it the right way IF you can find the pinhole located somewhere mysteriously on the console. From above:

Insert the straight end of the paper clip into the eject hole, located next to the orange rectangle. You may have to angle it slightly forward (toward the front of the console) as you insert it.

After trying these outrageous instructions, and STILL unable to eject my $49.99 disc to play my $39.99 NHL one, I have a better idea, Microsoft:

WHY DONT YOU STICK THE FUCKING PAPERCLIP RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!

In my lifetime, I’ve owned a Atari 5200, Sega Genesis, Playstation, Wii, Xbox, and Xbox 360 and NEVER had this problem before. And BTW MS this isn’t the only issue I have with your piece of junk: I have to spend 20-30 minutes downloading a new game before I play it; 1/2 the features don’t work unless I sign up for Xbox Live for $5 a month; having trolled NFL Madden '16 repeatedly to get it to work-----and then there are the slow download times for most games.

Don’t get me wrong: when functioning, and thats a big “when”, XboxOne games are fantastic.

But after paying $300 for a console and being told I have to shove a paper clip into a mysterious pinhole so I can play a new game?

Hey, Microsoft:

FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU AND BE REST ASSURED, my next game setup will have “Playstation” written on it, cocksuckers!

[Staggerlee]

I really thought this was going to be a bit of out-dated observational comedy about the ‘helpful’ MS paperclip character.

And trust me, the Playstation is full of irritating features, though no stationery required.

Also, I’m not sure having a paperclip shoved up one’s arse is that gruelling a punishment.

[Snowboarder_Bo]

My buddy got a new Xbox One for Xmas and he said it took like 4 hours to download Overwatch and another 4 to download Need For Speed. When I went over the next day, the system was still 88% on a game they had started downloading the previous day.

And then, when he wanted to switch games, he had to manually switch disks. I was shocked. What’s the point of that huge hard drive and all the downloading of code if you have to load a CD in every time you want to change games??? What is this, the 20th century?

I told him I’ll stick with Steam, even if it means I can’t play NHL17.

Fuck Microsoft.

[Disgruntled_Penguin]

@russian_heel

I’ve enjoyed my day playing NBA2K17 on my year old XBOXOne yesterday afternoon and early this morning, and God forbid, made the decision to change from that game t NHL2K16. This, like you would imagine MOST video game consoles, simply requires me to eject the NBA disc and insert the NHL disc.

OOOOOOOH NO, not with Xbox One. Apparently after spending hundreds of dollars on their piece of shit Xbox One, I have to use a PAPERCLIP, and stick in the right place, in case my NBA game didn’t eject when hitting the proper button on the face of the Xbox.

For real: the Xbox guide suggests turning the power completely off of the console then restarting it, and then if the disc still does not eject—I use a fucking PAPERCLIP to eject the disc!

That’s right folks, I have to use a fucking paperclip, a 19th Century device, to make what is supposedly one of the most competitive video game systems of 2016 function, and not only that, it has to be the proper thickness and light of paperclip.

I am not fucking with you:

Xbox Support

But its not good enough you get a good paperclip. You have to ANGLE it the right way IF you can find the pinhole located somewhere mysteriously on the console. From above:

Insert the straight end of the paper clip into the eject hole, located next to the orange rectangle. You may have to angle it slightly forward (toward the front of the console) as you insert it.

After trying these outrageous instructions, and STILL unable to eject my $49.99 disc to play my $39.99 NHL one, I have a better idea, Microsoft:

WHY DONT YOU STICK THE FUCKING PAPERCLIP RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!

In my lifetime, I’ve owned a Atari 5200, Sega Genesis, Playstation, Wii, Xbox, and Xbox 360 and NEVER had this problem before. And BTW MS this isn’t the only issue I have with your piece of junk: I have to spend 20-30 minutes downloading a new game before I play it; 1/2 the features don’t work unless I sign up for Xbox Live for $5 a month; having trolled NFL Madden '16 repeatedly to get it to work-----and then there are the slow download times for most games.

Don’t get me wrong: when functioning, and thats a big “when”, XboxOne games are fantastic.

But after paying $300 for a console and being told I have to shove a paper clip into a mysterious pinhole so I can play a new game?

Hey, Microsoft:

FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUU AND BE REST ASSURED, my next game setup will have “Playstation” written on it, cocksuckers!

LOL, I can remember paying about a thousand bucks on a desktop and having to do the same thing with the CD player.

But, that said, I don’t believe I even have a paper clip in my house so I’m almost certain I’d have reacted exactly like the rant you posted above so I endorse this pitting.

Gotta say it reminded me of this guy. Paper Clip support

[aldiboronti]

@Staggerlee

Also, I’m not sure having a paperclip shoved up one’s arse is that gruelling a punishment.

Oh, it depends how you angle it.

[jz78817]

You mean the same little hole you stick a paper clip in which exists on almost every goddamned optical disc drive in existence?

[Snowboarder_Bo]

@jz78817

You mean the same little hole you stick a paper clip in which exists on every goddamned optical disc drive in existence?

You must live in a different existence than I do. None of my CD players, CD-ROMs, DVD players or Blu-Ray players seem to have a little hole to stick a paper clip into.

[Martini_Enfield]

@Snowboarder_Bo

You must live in a different existence than I do. None of my CD players, CD-ROMs, DVD players or Blu-Ray players seem to have a little hole to stick a paper clip into.

Look closely. It’s a common feature, although it may not be as commonly encountered as it used to be.

[Snowboarder_Bo]

@Martini_Enfield

Look closely. It’s a common feature, although it may not be as commonly encountered as it used to be.

I did. Not there.

Besides, as I mentioned, I think it’s ludicrous that any gaming device today needs CD-ROMs. The Xbox One has a 500G or 1TB hard drive. It’s going to download huge amounts of code to run the game, even if the game was just released and you have the CD-ROM. WTF does it need the CD-ROM for in the first place?

[stpauler]

@Martini_Enfield

Look closely. It’s a common feature, although it may not be as commonly encountered as it used to be.

The PS4 eschewed the paperclip and now has a screw instead.

You should try the above power plug method before messing with your console’s guttyworks, but if it doesn’t work, you don’t have to root around too deep amongst the PS4’s innards. The console has a failsafe for if a disc gets stuck in the slot, but rather than the little paperclip holes old CD-ROM drives used to employ, the PS4 uses a screw kept underneath the hood.

[JcWoman]

@Snowboarder_Bo

I did. Not there.

Can you post a picture of the front of your drive? I’m a Mac user and the paperclip trick used to be the only way to eject a disk on the really old Macs, but I never paid attention to the CD/DVD drives on my Windows (for work) crap machines. So after reading this thread, I did a quick Google, and then looked at the drive on my laptop. Sure enough, there’s a tiny hole there!

@Snowboarder_Bo

Besides, as I mentioned, I think it’s ludicrous that any gaming device today needs CD-ROMs.

I’m in totaly agreement with you here.

[madsircool]

May I interject that Russian Heel is the best ranter on The Dope. By a mile. Piss him off, world!!

[Dewey_Finn]

@jz78817

You mean the same little hole you stick a paper clip in which exists on almost every goddamned optical disc drive in existence?

I agree that this is a very common feature of optical drives on computers. I’ve used it, particularly when I’ve shut down a computer before I retrieved the disc.

I really don’t see anything worth ranting over.

[little_bit]

@Staggerlee

Also, I’m not sure having a paperclip shoved up one’s arse is that gruelling a punishment.

@aldiboronti

Oh, it depends how you angle it.

It also depends on the size of the paperclip.

[Dewey_Finn]

@Disgruntled_Penguin

LOL, I can remember paying about a thousand bucks on a desktop and having to do the same thing with the CD player.

But, that said, I don’t believe I even have a paper clip in my house so I’m almost certain I’d have reacted exactly like the rant you posted above so I endorse this pitting.

BTW, it doesn’t have to be a real paperclip. You could probably use a straight pin or anything you can find that’s thin enough.

[Jophiel]

@jz78817

You mean the same little hole you stick a paper clip in which exists on almost every goddamned optical disc drive in existence?

That was my thought. Drives that don’t include it seem to contain a flaw, not a benefit. I had to take a DVD player apart to retreive a disc before and that was a lot less fun than just poking it with a pin.

[Little_Nemo]

Anyone else think this rant was going to be about Clippy?

[Dag_Otto]

@JcWoman

I’m a Mac user and the paperclip trick used to be the only way to eject a disk on the really old Macs

I’m shocked Apple didn’t require a $20 Apple CD removal pin tool.

[Skywatcher]

@Snowboarder_Bo

Besides, as I mentioned, I think it’s ludicrous that any gaming device today needs CD-ROMs. The Xbox One has a 500G or 1TB hard drive. It’s going to download huge amounts of code to run the game, even if the game was just released and you have the CD-ROM. WTF does it need the CD-ROM for in the first place?

Copy protection. Can’t have used games being sold and previous owners still able to play without the disc.

[Dewey_Finn]

@Dag_Otto

I’m shocked Apple didn’t require a $20 Apple CD removal pin tool.

The iPhone and iPad do come with a special tool to remove the SIM card, but I think you could use a paperclip instead.