Well fine, but why and how are these two things related? The answer is apparently not so simple and obvious.
It actually is. Many people on the SDMB don’t seem to get it, but there are a lot of people for who the superficial trappings of wealth and power are important. They want the glitzy sports car, the expensive McMansion, the hot trophy wife and so on.
A lot of people get married because they think that’s what they are “supposed to do”. But they really don’t want the actual lifestyle of suburban home, taking care of kids, driving a minivan around and whatnot. By the time a man is in his 40s, the kids are probably more or less grown, the wife is not longer hot, he’s probably at the height of his earning potential and he’s starting to think about his mortality and what he wants out of the rest of his life. After 20 years of working a job he hates so he can support a wife he bickers with all the time and a couple of spoiled kids, some guys decide that it’s time to do what they want to do.
No it’s not. You can’t “make” someone want to spend time with you.
Menopause?
Actually I don’t know. From my annecdotal observations, women seem to get more settled into marriage and family than men do. However, their “crisis” seems to manifest itself much earlier (early 30s) if they aren’t married yet.
But I imagine both sexes are succeptible to second guessing various aspects of their lives as they get older.
My parents both had mid-life crises. My dad bought a motorcycle. My mom had an affair. Now they’re separated.
My dad said, now that he’s in his mid-50s, if he doesn’t spend the next few years enjoying a bike, he never will. Perhaps it’s the mindset of finality.
He was disappointed that my mom wanted nothing to do with it. I think he’d have loved nothing better than to be out riding with her. Now he and his new girlfriend (same age) take rides all the time.
I wouldn’t recommend the wife “glomming” on to her husband in an insecure way, but sometimes partners lose interest in what the other wants to do, and that’s the beginning of the end.
If you don’t care enough to make the time to ride around in your husband’s new sailboat/TT/motorcycle, etc., it opens the door for another woman who will…
I wanted a sports car when I was 20. Was I having a midlife crisis? And at 30. And I still want one at 45. Has nothing to do with my age. If I could have afforded one when I was 20 I would have bought one. And now, well I still can’t afford one but I would buy one if I could.
I’ve seen plenty of female midlife crises. It is not a male thing.
What I have seen (and been victim to) is the woman will be unhappy. Life is in a rut. So looking at her life she thinks something should change. Can’t get rid of the kids, so get rid of the husband. Very rarely have I seen it make them more happy. A very good friend of mine is heading there now. She is not going to like being alone with two little ones and won’t find someone as good who is willing to put up with her shit. But I have a feeling she is going there anyway. (BTW he bought her a red convertible. Don’t know what that proves.)
In effect, I think this is a result of not fully examining one’s life. I’ve seen it time and time again, that people jump through the hoops:
grow up
go to college
get a job
get a spouse
get a house
have some children
Without thinking if all of that is what they really want, or if they want to do something before that. So then 40/50 hits, and they have all of that stuff, but they still don’t feel satisfied and they think…what went wrong?
The unexamined life is truly not worth living, and at every stage of life one should be looking inwards, fulfilling what dreams they can, and going for new ones if possible. Children do make this very difficult, admittedly, but not impossible.
What people want in their 20’s is often very different from what people want in their 40’s. So it’s not a question of what went wrong. It’s a question of changing realities that you often cannot predict. That goes for the career, the spouse, the house, sadly, sometimes even the kids.
The trick is not in figuring out what you really want through protracted self-examination, because that will change over time, but figuring out how to want what you have and be content with it.
Another thing is the grass is always greener. Single people often want to get married and have kids while married people sometimes wish they were the single person living every day as they want.
For my midlife crisis I’ve bought a couple of $2,000+ bicycles and ride them about 4-5K miles a year. It helps me recapture my youth and makes me too tired to fool around on my wife.
I’m in my 20s and have 2 sports cars and a motorcycle. I’ll likely always have one sports car and a motorcycle tucked away somewhere, so what should I do for my midlife crisis?
