Although it must be less true of a Ruby Tuesday’s than at a fine dining restaurant, just showing up without a date or a party most likely added to your invisibility. I suppose they don’t expect customers to show up alone.
Interesting question! I’m in my mid fifties myself, but looking back at my student days, and then at least my first ten years in the working world, it strikes me that almost everyone around me was in my general age demographic. Besides the obvious example of parents, teachers, professors, and bosses almost always fit into that older demographic as well. In other words, the situation doesn’t come up that often for young people.
As for being invisible…
Well, for a start, at the office where I work I can be sitting at my desk all day and the others totally ignore me. At home, even though we are in the same room, my wife does not speak to me for hours, people pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction, and I can walk into a room without…
I think that part of this is body language, too. When I walk into a restaurant, intending to eat with only my book for company, I look straight at the host/hostess. If I’m meeting someone, though, I will look around, to see if my companion is waiting or is perhaps already seated, and I’m not trying to catch the host’s eye.
Interesting! I’m familiar with the apparent invisibility phenomenon too, despite still being young. Last week, I had to give a group presentation for one of my classes. I showed up five minutes early and went over to stand with my group mates, waiting until it was time to start. A minute or so after I arrived, one of my group mates asked another “Have you heard from Rala? Is she on her way?”. I was standing right next to them, but he seemed genuinely surprised when I said “I’m here”. This sort of thing happens to me a fair bit.
It reminds me of a bit from a Terry Pratchett book:
I think that I’ve always had a subtle I-am-here signal, and I can turn it off too. Comes in handy when I really don’t want to be noticed for some reason. Still body language could be part of that, like Balance suggests.
I have to agree with this. I would bet if you looked at dressed and carried yourself like George Clooney or Matt Damon, you would get more attention. But a typical paunchy, balding, middle-aged man quietly standing there in his Dockers, a faded old dress shirt and a web leather belt from 1992 is probably going to just fade into the background.
I think it’s partly when you were young, hot and rocking the latest style hair and fashions, your pride in yourself and confidence in your appearance is absolutely projected in your energy.
By your mid fifties, your hair may be greying or disappearing. There could be a slight paunch. Chances are you dress for comfort over the latest cutting edge style. You have lost some of the confidence in appearance, that you once had. You begin to feel less comfortable drawing attention to your body as it may be wrinkled, or ‘less than ideal’ as when you were younger. You dress to disguise what you perceive as flaws. Judging yourself ‘less than’ the youthful ideal zaps your confidence and that is what’s making the energy you put out, so different, I think!
Whereas as young people, we unconsciously adopt styles that draw attention to ourselves, as middled agers, we have moved on from that place. I feel it’s a totally natural transition, a function of the maturity of no longer so desperately needing to draw attention to ourselves, so we will feel alive. If you have ever sought to not draw any attention to yourself, you’re aware of all the body language etc. It almost seems by middle age some people have unknowingly accepted that as a default energy to put out to the world, daily.
Although my hair may be greying or disappearing, and I* could* have a slight paunch, I assure you I am more confident in my appearance than when I was rock solid and full haired.
The first time I heard of this phenomenon was 30+ years ago, when a friend’s mother complained she couldn’t get a salesclerk to even acknowledge her while shopping at Neiman-Marcus. In the smugness of my youth, I suggested she wear a sign saying “I wouldn’t be shopping here if I couldn’t afford it.”
Now that I’m at that stage myself, I realize that it wouldn’t make any difference if I came in wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun.
I’ve been growing my hair since my early 20’s, for a very long time simply out of laziness, but now I realize it serves a very useful function…people see me. Seriously, my hair buys me attention on the “minor celebrity” level, and now I wouldn’t get rid of it at gunpoint.
I’ve been more or less invisible ever since I gave up on fashion at age 16. I call it my personal Somebody Else’s Problem field. I rather like it, as my goal is to get through the day with as little hassle as possible, and people don’t hassle someone they don’t notice.
This reminds me of the first role I saw Michael Richards in. He was on “Night Court” as a defendant who’d tried to burgle some place in broad daylight, thinking he could get away with it because he was “invisible.”
“You’re invisible - since when?”
“It was gradual, your Honor - at first only cabbies and store clerks couldn’t see me…”
With young girls, either you don’t have money or don’t make it look like you have money. With young men, when you don’t look dangerous enough. I can make a group of raccous college boys shut up just by looking in their direction (no hard eye-to-eye contact.)
This thread has jogged my memory-years ago, Don Imus was talking about a similar experience he had…while in a stuffy, chic NYC boutique. He was checking out some mens coats (pricetags >$2000), and the sales clerk was ignoring him (as Imus said…“probably because I was dressed like a homeless person”. Anyway, Imus got a little peeved, and told the clerk, something like"I cold buy this dump today if I wanted to"…and stormed out in a huff!
FWIW, I’m 31 and I’ve always been invisible. But I’ve had friends tell me I give off a certain “leave me the hell alone” vibe, so it’s probably my own fault.
Told my wife I was going to get a haircut Monday evening. Went to the grocery, got the haircut, came home and watched TV with her for two hours. No comment. Next day, she says “Take off your hat; you never showed me your haircut.” “I was laying next to you on the bed for two hours with this haircut – without a hat – last night” “Well, I don’t look at you”.
In line at Dunkin’ Donuts for the aforementioned wife’s iced coffee just a couple of hours ago. Young girl cuts right in front of me in line and engages the cashier in questions about whether they were hiring, can she get an application, is the manager or assistant manager in. Goes on for a couple of minutes. Similarly-aged lady (to me) waited on just prior to this actually noticed and looked at me, shaking her head. So I’m only partly invisible I guess. Maybe I should put the rest of the weight I lost back on; it’ll be harder to miss me.
I think there is a theory relating pheromones to testosterone levels, but we would still be talking about pheromones, which are dubious. I might have been more guarded about saying that, but it was already between a comment about old man smell and a Simpsons reference.
But seeing if a lack of smell makes people invisible sounds like a good experiment for someone trying to win an Ig Nobel prize.
If she’s hired you’ll never taste a donut again. Good luck trying to gain that weight back.