Have you noticed this happening to you? How old are you?
When people speak of experiencing “invisibility” on a personal level, are they just talking about not receiving sexual attention? Or everything? What are some examples?
Does this happen more with women than men? Or is the phenomenon the same regardless of gender?
Are there behavioral traits you’ve noticed (in others or yourself) that you think serve to combat invisibility?
Does anyone enjoy becoming more invisible?
When I was in my 20s, I sometimes would attract positive male attention out in public. Catcalls, guys striking up conversations, guys asking for digits, etc. I always found it irritating, and sometimes it was frightening. And then one day–can’t say when exactly–it stopped. I can’t imagine that I will ever long for those days. So I’m enjoying the level of invisibility that I’m currently experiencing. But I don’t know what’s waiting for me as I continue to age.
Social invisibility - the other person’s glance passes right by as if I don’t exist. I don’t have any problems in, for example, retail situations.
Can’t say.
Probably if I were more friendly and approachable, that would help. I think my demeanor is rather neutral in that regard, but I suppose to some that can be off-putting.
I never had that problem with either sex. However, now that I’m older I have outgrown my basic unattractiveness and since I keep myself clean and presentable and I am in better shape than I used to be, I may be slightly higher than average for my age. Actually, now that I think of it I occasionally get an extra glance from ladies in late middle age. Perhaps I look like a possible 2nd husband, at least until they see my wedding ring. In any case, I’m not interested in ladies of any age, so they may also be detecting that indifference.
p.s. - asking for digits? Did they want to suck your toes? My knowledge of heterosexual cat-calling is very limited.
Thanks, Spectre. I would never have guessed (I was thinking of them asking monstro to do something rude with her fingers, or asking to do something rude to her with their fingers, but that didn’t really seem likely for something to say in public).
I do remember when the patrons at the bars I had been going to for years were suddenly much younger, and how the folks of either sex sort of didn’t see me. It’s like being the parents at a teen party.
It was a bit disconcerting at first, but now it’s just funny.
I’m in my late 60s and have been invisible for years. Nothing to do with anything sexual, which I’m not seeking anyway. Salesclerks look right past (or through) me to the 20- or 30-something. This is very foolish of them, since I definitely have more disposable income and am inclined to spend it.
I don’t think it’s a behavioral trait, since my behavior has not changed that much since I was a 20- or 30-something. If anything, I’m more assertive and approachable.
Have you noticed this happening to you? How old are you?
Yes. I’ve felt invisible pretty much all my life. I’m 40.
When people speak of experiencing “invisibility” on a personal level, are they just talking about not receiving sexual attention? Or everything? What are some examples?
*Everything.
For instance, when several people start talking at exactly the same moment, you always end up being the one who has to stop because the others are obviously not listening. Having to explain again and again and again things that you’ve already said a thousand times before knowing fully well that it won’t change anything because people will keep on acting as if you’d never said anything. People not really noticing when you arrive or leave.
As far as “romantic” attention is concerned, I was lucky to be reasonably good-looking in my twenties which prevented me from being completely alone for years although I had some seriously long dry spells. And, this sometimes led to questions like “I can’t believe you’ve been single for so long. How is that possible?” which were not helping because the sub-text seemed to be: “Hmm, he’s handsome, not broke and not stupid so there must be something wrong with him.” Which may be true to an extent. I’m just not at ease with people.*
Does this happen more with women than men? Or is the phenomenon the same regardless of gender?
Not sure but I tend to think it has more to do with the “vibes” you send than your gender.
Are there behavioral traits you’ve noticed (in others or yourself) that you think serve to combat invisibility?
Not really. I’ve pretty much stopped trying and I’m fine with it.
Does anyone enjoy becoming more invisible?
See answer 4. I do enjoy it in a way, being able to sort of drift about without being disturbed. But when I keep on saying things that keep on being ignored, it can get very frustrating. Especially when I was right all along.
Have you noticed this happening to you? How old are you?
Absolutely. I’m 59 and 1/2 (heh).
When people speak of experiencing “invisibility” on a personal level, are they just talking about not receiving sexual attention? Or everything? What are some examples?
Like Les Espaces Du Sommeil, I’m the one who has to stop talking, while others talk over me, or simply don’t hear me. So it feels like not just “invisible”, but ignored, too. I used to be pursued on a regular basis and received a lot of sexual attention. While not always wanted, it was feedback that formed part of my identity. Its absence is both liberating and saddening. Honestly, I don’t feel as confident that I will be assisted in a time of need as when I had sexual currency. I didn’t realize at the time that my life was being made easy as a result of my sexuality. I know that sounds unlikely, but it’s a matter of degrees. My interactions with both men and women have changed. I don’t think I knew that women also respond differently (in a positive way) to attractive (younger) women.
Does this happen more with women than men? Or is the phenomenon the same regardless of gender?
No cite, but my guess is that it occurs equally regardless of gender. Perhaps it feels more poignant for women for the reasons I listed above.
Are there behavioral traits you’ve noticed (in others or yourself) that you think serve to combat invisibility?
Anger and indignation. Seriously. I’ve always been an approachable, friendly (in my own mind at least, funny) woman. In retail situations, when I’m overlooked; when I’m speaking and interrupted and spoken over; when I’m treated like a mother-figure and it’s assumed I’m “proper”. It pisses me off and I behave accordingly. It doesn’t help my cause in the least.
Does anyone enjoy becoming more invisible?
There are certainly days when I appreciate not having to put on makeup or care about how my clothes look. Most of the time I resent it.
I’m having a difficult time determining what is age appropriate for me now. The last thing I want is attention because I’m dressed inappropriately. I recall a friend of mine saying “there goes mutton dressed as lamb”. I don’t want to be that person - but I’m not totally ready to put on the polyester pants either.
Thanks for asking these questions, monstro. It helps to know it’s on other folks’ minds.
Overall, not really. 45. Depends where I am and how I look and feel. I can go “drab” and not get attention.
Everything. But some of it is also being demeaned.
My mother has been called “young lady” at the grocery store before. Since she’s a grey-haired 70-something woman with an trying to make older people “feel” younger by calling them “young lady” is at the very least condescending, which is next door to invisibility in this case. It’s offensive because they aren’t being treated as the person they are.
If they’re hale and attractive and wealthy, men can be visible for a long time.
Women can delay the inevitable by remaining attractive and maybe having work done. Hair dye, clothing choices, etc. Access to money helps. Genetics help.
Sometimes I like to fly under the radar. It’s nice to not have the attention you mention from random weirdos on the street. That’s when I go drab – no makeup, no fashionable clothes. Just jeans, sweatshirt, basic boots. When I’m in full work outfits, thought, the combo of Resting Bitch Face and the Christopher Walken Stare do their job, though, more than my age. I’m still mistaken for 35, thanks to good genes, good skin care, and Botox.
Avoid sheer tops and miniskirts, and you should be fine.
Everything else can be tweaked to be age-appropriate. I say, if you like knee-high boots, a sweater, and leggings, wear them. Just don’t wear a childish print or babydoll sweater. Tend to plain and a large necklace or earrings. Keep your hair stylish and well-taken care of.
if you like jeans and a t-shirt, wear them. They’re free for all.
I really enjoy being invisible, but I can turn it off when I need to.
I do not miss the sexual interest of random stranger, or even acquaintances, at all, although I don’t think I would have believed I would feel this way when I was in my twenties.
I think there’s another kind of invisibility too, though I’m not sure it fits the definition. I’ve seen a lot of conversations where some guys will talk about dating and how it works for the opposite sex, but completely ignore the existence of any women other than what they consider hot. So they talk about how women always get attention when they walk into a room, or always get lots of messages on a dating site. When you bring up the experience of women who don’t fit their hot chick model (over 40, not thin enough, too thin, odd face or hair, socially awkward, etc.) they act like that set of people is so rare that you’re bringing up weird exception cases for no good reason.
(And I’m aware that ‘hot chicks’ have their own set of dating problems - for example, unlikely to be ignored on a dating site, but likely to have a mailbox with 100 terrible messages. )
I’m a female, pushing 70. Active, busy life, involved in a lot of assorted adventures and volunteer work.
I felt invisible for a long time and was rather comfortable there in the background, quietly observing things.
Then a rather bizarre thing happened. I let my hair go “natural”. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s the only thing I can attribute recent increase in attention from a vast array of individuals. This includes folks who all but ignored me before. As it turns out, I have rather striking hair in its natural state. A shiny, almost shimmery white. People now comment on it and tell me what beautiful hair I have. I still wear the same clothes, wear the same cosmetics and jewelry (which is minimal), so it’s got to be the answer.
Who knew?
Does anyone remember the classic scene in Six Feet Under when the Kathy Bates character was stealing jewelry in the department store? The Fisher matriarch was appalled and sputtering, and the Kathy Bates character says “Relax! Nobody pays any attention to us! We’re reached the age where we’re invisible”.
I work at a university and was having a conversation with a colleague recently about invisibility.
When I was in college I do not recall seeing staff and faculty on campus. Occasionally a professor I knew from class, but otherwise my memory is that the students were the only people on the (huge, populated by thousands of people) campus.
Now, as staff, I notice all the faculty and staff and I assume that when I was a student there were just as many faculty and staff wandering around my alma mater as there are at my employer, I just never noticed them. So I assume the students on campus never notice me unless I am directly addressing them for some reason. It’s a strange feeling.
ETA: Female, mid 40s. I do not feel especially invisible in the rest of my life, but that could be because the rest of my life is populated by people near my age.
Have you noticed this happening to you? How old are you? Absolutely. i’m 59
When people speak of experiencing “invisibility” on a personal level, are they just talking about not receiving sexual attention? Or everything? What are some examples? *Up until about five years ago, I evidently gave off the impressio of being a mover and shaker type. Retail people would rush over to help me, wait staff at restaurants gave me a lot of attention, etc. But recently, I seem to have lost that aura of up and coming and gained an aura of old and in the way. I dress the same, walk the same, talk the same, and am still in full possession of my faculties, but something is telling the great unwashed masses that I’m not a person they need to worry about much anymore. *
Does this happen more with women than men? Or is the phenomenon the same regardless of gender? Since I usually do lunches with a group from work that contains men, I’d say yes. They still get the flutter while I get the gutter.
Are there behavioral traits you’ve noticed (in others or yourself) that you think serve to combat invisibility? I’m very outgoing, friendly, and I’m excellent at one-on-one contact. Years of interviewing people have honed those skills. I have no problem forcing myself on someone’s attention if I find it to be necessary. In a nice way, of course. As I start to be more negligible to those around me, I make an extra effort to make myself memorable, by giving a personal compliment or remembering a name. It does seem to help a little.
Does anyone enjoy becoming more invisible? * Oh HE** no. I worked long and hard on making myself noticeable. I’m not giving it up without a fight.*
Many years ago at work we actually did an informal survey around the office about this. It was a fun open environment and there were mostly young and moving into middle-age people. We were really kinda playing a game of “hot-or-not” so underneath it all it was about sexual attractiveness. Us older folks started by asking the youngsters if they even saw us, usually. It was enlightening to hear some of them admit that yes, some of us were essentially invisible, due to not being considered “in the market”. Whereas some other youngsters debated this idea, stating that their friends were missing out in ignoring the possibility of an older mate. A very enlightening experience.
All that said, personally I seem to be noticeable, no matter the age. Perhaps I am just enough funny looking to draw attention, I don’t know?
Yes, it’s been happening for about 10 years now. I’m almost 59.
I haven’t noticed it happening in retail situations – I think I’m seen as someone with money to spend. But it definitely happens when I’m around younger people, like at the barn or the office. I’ll be talking and someone will walk up and interrupt without a second thought. But is it because I am invisible or because they are (usually) young and bad-mannered?
I’ve experienced it most when I’m traveling for work. The lawyers and security people I interact with seem to find me intimidating, maybe because I’m tall, in charge of the trip, and speak pleasantly but with authority. They fall all over my female traveling companion, who is short and plump and apparently strikes them as needing/open to their flirting attention.
I don’t know if it’s related to gender.
Certainly, as I got older and took on different responsibilities in my job, I began to dress more professionally but, frankly, more comfortably; that is, I stopped wearing high heels. It’s hard to lug around sound equipment, boxes of court documents and garment bags of robes while in tottery high heels. My companion, the one who gets all the attention, always wears heels. Could it be that simple? Probably not. I think our culture has trained people to focus on youth and if you’re not “young” anymore, people look right passed you. I notice myself doing it.
No, I don’t particularly enjoy it, but I’m trying to keep it in perspective. If people are ignoring me just because they don’t think I’m attractive enough for them, without caring about me as a person, I don’t give a flying f**k.
Your comments have been interesting and have made me realize that I don’t know how “visible” I am. So I’m curious if I’m going to notice any changes when/if I get “old.”
