Mundane: √
Pointless: √
Stuff: √
I Must Share: Not Likely
Early Labor Day Weekend
“Hello?”
“I need some help, a truck hit a deer out in front of my house.”
“A truck? What kinda truck?”
“I don’t know. A Suburban, a Bronco, what difference does it make?”
“Oh…An SUV.”
“I purposely refrained from using that term so I wouldn’t have to hear any of your opinions on my Range Rover.”
“Well, what do you want me to do?”
“Help me take care of it.”
“Is it dead?”
“Of course it’s dead. It suffered for a while, but it’s dead. If it was still alive I would’ve called a vet…not you.”
“Did you have to manually assist in the death with the help of a shovel - or did it die in a more civil manner?”
“Yeah, like I’m gonna whack a deer with a d-handled shovel. I don’t even kill the spiders that I find in the house.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. You do realize you called me at home. I really don’t want to drive 2 hours north when I assume the highway department will take care of it for you.”
“I already tried that. They closed at 4 PM Friday. With the holiday weekend starting, I probably won’t get anyone until Tuesday.”
"So dig a hole and bury the fucking thing. You got plenty of property. What do you want me to tell you?
Fast-Forward to Tuesday
“John’s line.”
“Listen, your job is close to my house. Come help me with the deer.”
“What? It’s still there?”
“Yes. The town won’t take it. I put it in a wheelbarrow and they said it died on my property - and is my problem.”
“Bull shit.”
“It’s true. Call them yourself and ask.”
All right. I’ll come up after work and help you put it in a contractor grade plastic garbage bag"
Well let me tell you. I have never smelled anything so vile and disgusting in my entire life. I literally vomited right there on the street trying to put a 90-plus pound deer carcass into a plastic garbage bag. Maggots spilling out of every orifice, more flies than locusts in Egypt’s 8th plague. Shit. Blood. Absolutely the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. To make matters worse, deer hooves cut through even the thickest 3 mil plastic bags. There’s nothing more disheartening than thinking you’re task is done, only to have a rotting corpse spill right back out onto your feet.
So, I’d first like to thank the person who hit the deer and didn’t stop or report it to the authorities. I hope you at least have a broken radiator grille. I’d also like to thank the Town of Cortlandt, for refusing to pick up a dead animal because it’s on (read: in front of) someone’s private property. If I was as inconsiderate as the highway department, I would’ve rolled the wheelbarrow to the middle of the road, dumped the bio-hazard where it met its demise and let them get off their asses to handle it.