So, I’m getting up at my regular way too early time this morning. I check the kiddo, but he is still asleep. The wife, as always, gets another hour to sleep after I get up. I move into the living room without too much enthusiasm and turn on my morning conversational partner (mostly one way), the recently much talked about CNN Headline News. One bowl of Smart Start later (it was on sale), I’m struggling to awaken while taking in the visual overflow that is the new Headline News.
To break away for a moment: A friend asked me on Monday what I thought of the new Headline News, as he had not been able to see it yet. I told him it looked like a web page, but a web page they show you as an example of bad web page design. I’m still trying to decide if the mental effort of keeping up with that many things on the screen at once, that early in the morning, is likely to give me an aneurysm.
Anyway, back to the news.
As I sat there and munched my cereal, I’m reading the news ticker, where they give you news blurbs in sentences compressed so tightly that you’re not sure if they are trying to tell you something or signal the French resistance. Then the following news blurb popped up:
“The Monitor: Confederate sub’s engine raised off Hatteras inlet”
My cereal munching stopped.
Somewhere in the back of everybody’s brain is a little part that twitches when it is presented with something that just makes no sense. You know you’ve felt it. Normally it only goes off when you try to do things like reconcile Maria Shriver’s head with being that of a living creature, and not a skull grinning at you out of the television.
That part was now going off.
However, being the reasonable person that I am, I decided that I might have read it incorrectly. Unfortunately this means having to go around through the news blurbs again. So I sat and watched every little bit (literally) of news that went by (did you know Toni Braxton is pregnant?) until it finally came around again. And it said:
“The Monitor: Confederate sub’s engine raised off Hatteras inlet”
Let me point out the problems with this statement, for those of you who may not be too up on your history.
- The Monitor was not a Confederate ship.
- The Monitor was not a submarine.
I initially thought that perhaps they were confused between the USS Monitor, and the CSS Hunley (which was a Confederate submarine), however:
- The Hunley sank off of Charleston Harbor.
- The Hunley had no engine.
No matter how you look at it, at least two facts in a sentence that is only 9 words long and is being displayed on national television, are incorrect.
Fuming about the stupidity of what I’m seeing, I try to discuss it. You’ll remember from above that my conversations with morning TV are pretty much all one way. Today is no different. I remember something about “for better or for worse” in the wedding vows, so I decide I’ll go discuss it with the wife.
“Honey, they just said on CNN that the Monitor was a confederate submarine. Can you believe that?”
Her response was resounding: “Mrrmmfrn…”
You’ll recall, again from above, that my wife gets another hour to sleep after I get up. That was down to 40 minutes now, but even at the end of the hour daylight will be no friend of hers.
However, being male, I continue to take to a woman who otherwise loves me, but whose attention I could not hold right now if I stampeded giraffes through the bedroom.
“I guess their redesign doesn’t include much in the way of getting facts correct.”
Since she was on a roll, she again replied: “Mrrmmfrn…”
I realize at this point that the television was a better choice of conversational partner.
I am saved however by a gentle little noise that comes out of the baby monitor (which is also not a Confederate submarine) beside the bed. This noise means Kiddo has awakened, and gives me a new conversational partner. I cross the hall and enter Kiddo’s room.
When I enter, the Kiddo is in the process of trying to see just how tightly he can mash his face against the bars of his crib. He notices me however and turns to give me one of those smiles that one a seven-month old can give. I begin explaining what I just saw, and he stares in rapt attention. When I am done, he laughs as if to say “Wow dad, those guys are pretty stupid.” Satisfied that I’ve finally had an enlightening conversation on this topic, I pop his pacifier in his mouth, hand him “puffy man” (his favorite crib toy), and tell him his mother will be in to see him soon, as my conversation had certainly been broadcast back into the bedroom via the baby monitor (which is still not a Confederate submarine.)
I pass my wife in the hall. She asks, “What were you talking to Kiddo about?”
“Nothing” I respond, “just some Kiddo-Dad chit chat.”
“Oh”, she replies. Remember, she’s not much for conversation at this time of the morning.
As I’m fighting Atlanta traffic on my way to work, I try to come up with some conclusions. I’ve always heard that you should be able to come up with some conclusions about situations that happen to you. I think this may have just been for a 9th grade English assignment, but who knows. The best I can do are:
- CNN doesn’t quite have all their stuff in order yet, and history doesn’t seem to be their topic.
- Seven month old children are the best listeners in the world.
- I get up way too early in the morning.
