Whats up with it? Why has it become the norm in most places? Is polygamy too complicated at the present time with regards to laws and the like? There always seems to be such a fuss over people cheating on each other, that monogamy just seems like such a pointless thing. Is it to do with the prevalence of marriage?
NOTE that thread is from Dec 2013, revived by me in Apr 2014 in Post #14 to note that it’s the topic of Cecil’s column – CKDH
It’s not so much that’s it’s become the norm as it’s always been the norm.
Historically, among hunter-gatherer types, there seems to have been a lot of monogamy, serial monogamy, and only a little poly-anything. Even in poly-tolerant societies, MOST people were in couples and not other arrangements. There were exceptions, which tended to be the most powerful men, who also happened to be the subject of history so it may give a false impression. Even in modern societies where multiple wives are permitted the pattern still tends towards couples.
It’s because it’s hard enough for the average man to support one wife and her children, much less multiple wives and their children.
Then there’s the jealousy aspect - co-wives don’t always get along. This is why it’s not unusual in poly-tolerant societies for a man to supply each of his wives with separate residences, even if those residences are simply tiny, individual dirt-floor huts roofed with thatch.
In other words, while being poly sounds nice in the real world there are some practical obstacles to making it happy all around.
Of course, there’s always been cheating - sneaking around on one’s mate. Serial monogamy. Informal arrangements. Also jealousy-fueled murders and the like. Men don’t want to be raising other men’s children and women want resources and security instead of sharing with some other woman and her children. A kick-ass hunter or king might have the resources to spread among many women but they’re the exceptional folks, not the rule.
What Broomstick said. Also, think of the strong bent for jealousy in Humans. How could you think Poly-marriages could ever be the norm?
It’s my understanding that most societies that do accept poly as a norm went through a crunch of a big sex imbalance. That crunch forces a compromise so everyone can be matched up. Since men are usually the ones killed off in mass number, husband-multiple wives is usually the way polygamy has developed*.
*and it can be a bit of a problem as it continues long after the sex imbalance crunch. The sexes are usually fairly closely balanced so a society that allows multiple wives/husbands means a whole lot of people can’t get one at all.
Because dating or looking for sex is fucking exhausting.
If think jealousy is a function of monogamy, you’re fooling yourself. As mentioned, wives won’t get along, and in some cultures you need to maintain separate households for your wives. A polygamist with 100 wives won’t like it if one of his wives is having an affair.
Increased social stability. In practice polygamy is usually polygyny; one man, several women. Historically this led to the richer and stronger men keeping the majority of women to themselves; the majority of men in ancient times never had children, and if they had any access to women it was when they were older and less desirable. Monogamy means that the majority of men will have a woman of their own. And I’m phrasing it like she was a piece of property because let’s face it, that’s exactly what the mindset of the men of the time was; women were essentially domestic animals to them, and what the women wanted meant nothing to them.
And if that sounds slanted against women it is; since women in ancient times weren’t going to get a co-equal relationship either way, what they got from monogamy was exchanging a rich owner for a poor owner, one who wasn’t distracted by other women from his abuse of her. They were probably better off with polygamy, at least until modern marriage where women are treated as equal partners came around.
I don’t disagree with the general historical explanation for why monogamy has been the norm, even if I might put it a bit different than the above posters.
I don’t see any modern purpose to the institution of marriage or the prevailing practice of monogamy, though. Well, OK, polyamory and monogamy each have their drawbacks, I suppose…
monogamy: jealousy, suspicion, breakups over “cheating”, insecurity, monotony, boredom
polyamory: scheduling, holidays, calendaring, scheduling, relocation difficulties, scheduling
Yeah I’m sure jealousy and insecurity never happen in polyamory.
My partner and I have been monogamous for over 26 years. But we have a friend who was widowed several years ago, and who hasn’t been in a relationship since. We are both very attracted to him, and he’s given us signals that it’s mutual. In face we’ve done some occasional 3-way cuddling, and it felt very right. My partner and I have discussed the possibility of a 3-way relationship, but haven’t discussed it with him. Right now the issue is sort of in limbo, and we’re just sort of taking it one day at a time. Stay tuned.
In the modern world marriage isn’t just about sex. Being married is extremely useful in some situations, such as when your partner is in the hospital in some dire situation you as spouse will have access to him/her, are automatically designated next of kin, there are matters of inheritance, pensions for widows/widowers, and so forth.
There’s all sorts of potential for jealousy in poly relationships, along with insecurity and suspicion. And monos can wind up with scheduling and relocation difficulties, too.
I don’t see much evidence that it’s the norm now, much less historically. Most of us spend some time of our lives in serial monogamy, but many of us also spend time in other patterns.
I think a lot of it has to do with how society has structured inheritance. It’s in agricultural societies, where inheriting land is kind of a make-it-or-break-it thing, that monogamy is taken extremely to extremes (harsh punishments for breaking it, bans on divorce or remarriage, female seclusion, etc.). When that factor isn’t there (including, more and more, in our own culture), it seems to take a back seat.
Yea, its always hard to tell how much is cultural and how much is biological, but I think at least to some extent jealousy over sharing our sexual partners is innate. It’ll surface whatever institutional relationship structure people use.
In my observation, polyamorous relationships turn into trainwrecks more frequently then not. People tell themselves that there’s no rational reason to get jealous, that it won’t bother them, etc. But sex and romance aren’t really rational things to start with, and trying to treat them like they are doesn’t work well.
Serial monogamy is still monogamy, the practice of one partner at a time, and probably is the most common pattern in human history.
Other patterns happen, yes, and always have, but paring off in couples still seems most common. Pure monogamy, the notion of one partner only for all of one’s life, is a myth (it can happen, but it’s not common) but that doesn’t mean monogamy doesn’t exist at all.
You do realize that those drawbacks are not inevitable? I’ve none of those in my monogamous relationship, and there are advantages that I enjoy and value. I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it’s the only way to be happy, but it works very well for us.
Reviving this thread from Dec, just to note that it’s the topic of Cecil’s column this week (25-Apr-2014): Is monogamy obsolete? - The Straight Dope
I have been in a monogamous relationship for just over 50 years and I have to say it certainly simplifies life and has also been entirely satisfactory. In fact, meeting my wife was the best thing that ever happened to me. YMMV.
Yeah and what’s up with tattoos?