Monster Miscellany

Sea Legs: Sea legs, long a part of naval folklore, are actually a giant semi-aquatic stick bug with a unique form of locomotion adapted to finding food that would otherwise go unregarded: It has a combination of joints and body structure that make it resemble the legs and hips of an emaciated skeleton that has been soaked a fortnight in strong black tea. They walk upright, making them the only arthropods to have mastered bipedal locomotion. Its head, furthermore, is a small protuberance placed in the middle of the beam-straight ‘hips’, reminding those of limited anatomical knowledge of an erect phallus.

This resemblance is enhanced by the fact sea legs lay their eggs in living mammalian tissue: A pair of 'legs is quiet, unobtrusive, and quite fast enough to sneak up on a dull herbivore or a sailor the worse for grog and use its sharpened head to implant eggs into the abundant flesh of the thighs or buttocks. These eggs remain encysted until they hatch into small sea legs, which kick their way out and make a path to the nearest body of water. Sea legs are strong swimmers, able to kick their way across miles of ocean at a pace that would shame a human Olympian. Its waking speed is more sedate, closer to a brisk jog.

Sea legs are fruit-eaters. They prefer fruit that is still green and on the bush, hence their stature (roughly three feet fully grown and fully erect); observing them consuming unripe berries, Spanish explorers dubbed them hijo de puta de frutas, or ‘fruit-lovers’.

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