Some of you may have seen the site WhoWouldYouKill.com; basically you pick one of the listed TV shows, decide which of the characters annoys you the most, and devise a fiendish death for them. Unfortunately, the entries aren’t edited, and there ends up being a lot of spamming and junk, making it hard to get to any decent answers. So let’s try the Doper version, and since lots of people here know the Simpsons very well, we’ll start with that show. So who’s it going to be, and how do they die?
(On second thought, it might be a bad show to start out with, since, as pointed out here there’s a lot of love for the show and its characters. But hey, we’ll at least get to see how dark Dopers can get, and if it’s a success we can move on to a show that DESERVES some killin’, like, oh, Friends.)
Grandpa Simpson. They’ve used up all their senility jokes, incontinence jokes, narcolepsy jokes, nursing home jokes, and plain old codger jokes, and there isn’t much else to do with him. Also, it might be a good episode.
I’d kill Principal Skinner’s mother. It would have a dramatic influence on the path of his life, and I’d like to see what happens.
I wouldn’t pick Abe Simpson; I don’t think the well is dry yet. I still love the Grandpa jokes. Besides, didn’t Abe do the first great gag on the original shorts?
Considering how much of the Simpson’s shark-jumping decline occured after Maude Flander’s death, I’d say no one.
Hans Moleman and Dr. Marvin Monroe.
I’ll second Skinner’s mom. She has no good qualities, and all the jokes about her bad qualities have been done to death.
If you really want to shake up Springfield, how about killing off Mr. Burns?
Then, after his funeral, the government shuts down the power plant as a safety hazard. Power generation is outsourced to India, with the electricity delivered via a 6000-mile-long extention cord 
I’d also vote for Lindsay Naigle, the sexually predacious career woman. Have an episode devoted the people in her life … the people she preyed on sexually, the people she stepped on on the way up, the people who stepped on her and preyed on her. Could be interesting.
Of course, since Naigle is the Simpson’s stock career woman, they’ll have to replace her with someone just like her. And that’ll be easy, all too easy.
I see a lot of potential for black humor a la Frank Grimes there.
I’m sick of the comic guy
Hah! He’d simply rise from the dead, continue to lord over his little fiefdom / company as a slowly decomposing revenant…and no one would even notice the difference.
Comic Book Guy should die - he’s outlived his one-joke premise. Perhaps he should have a fatal heart attack after an unknown person (to be unmasked at the end of another “whodunnit?” episode) walks into the comic book store, whips out mint-condition copies of Action Comics #1, Detective Comics #1, and Amazing Fantasy #15 (first appearance of Spider-Man), and promptly sets them ablaze with a bic lighter. That’d prompt a massive stroke in the fat old piece of lard.
I wouldn’t kill anyone, but I’d shoot Apu just for the hell of it. I think it’s like a national pasttime in Springfield.
Interesting choices, though the emphasis of the game is supposed to be on the how do they die part of the equation, and it’s not so much supposed to be a serious analysis of whose death would further the plot of the show, but just a way to get out some revenge fantasies on characters who annoy you. For example:
One night at home, after watching too many war movies, Principal Skinner finally snaps and thinks he’s back in 'Nam. He digs out his old bayonet and hides behind the couch, waiting for Charlie. When Agnes Skinner walks into the room complaining about the noise on the TV, Seymour attacks and kills her. The sight of the blood brings him back to reality. Unable to cope with the fact that he’s killed his mother, he stuffs her body, dresses in her clothes and develops a murderous split personality. When Homer robs some money from the power plant and tries to hide out at Skinner’s house, he gets too close to the truth, so “Mother” kills Homer, much to Skinner’s distress. Bart and Lisa use their wiles to figure out who killed their father, landing Seymour in the slammer, where Snake and the other inmates insist Seymour continue to wear Mother’s clothes, even though his split personality has been cured, etc…
Hilarity ensues. Theoretically. Lame example, but you guys have better imaginations than I do. So – anyone want to kill a Simpson?
He didn’t die when Homer ate a Spiderman #1 in front of him. Let’s try this instead?
Comic Book Guy ends up at a bar alone one night. Agnes Skinner walks by and sees him in the window, nursing his cranberry schnapps. She feels pity on him and decides to give him one last round of pity sex.
The sex they have is amazing, and they decide to give it another go. She shows up at his apartment for a surprise visit, only to find him having cybersex with one of his online girlfriends.
“Agnes! What’re you doing here?”
“Killing you, you fat bastard of a cheater!”
Although he is horribly fat and out of shape, he can still easily overpower a 80-something year old woman. He holds her in a bear hug, trying to explain that he was breaking it off with his cyberhoney because he wants only to be with her. He gives a heartfelt speech about how she changed his life and made him want to be a better person.
Right about then, he realizes that she stopped moving some time ago. He had accidentally snapped her spine.
CBG is heartbroken. Suddenly, he has an idea. He leaps into his closet and dons his Superman costume, his plan being to fly around the world so fast that it spins backwards, causing time to reverse itself, and bring Agnes back to life.
He dies when he jumps off his roof.
Comic Book Guy soooo has to die. Mob style. Little .22 to the back of the head, let it bounce about and scramble his brains up good.
And Gil. And as he begs for his life I’d like to scream at him “Be a MAAAAAAN for once!”
mm
Worst. Death. Ever.
Actually, very good – I like, I like.
(Oh, and I pre-emptively kill Lisa and Sideshow Bob if they dare point out that the title of this thread should be WHOM would you kill…) :smack:
<Stewie Griffin>
Whom . . .
</Stewie Griffin>
I’m going to say Smithers. Not because I don’t like him, and not even because now that he’s practically openly gay, his love for Mr. Burns isn’t as funny. No, I think he’d be a good choice because it would be a good opportunity to make Mr. Burns truly evil again. Burns isn’t as funny when he’s just some pathetically weak old guy who uses outdated terms for everything. He’s so much better as the maniacal, greedy, Kane-esque dictator. I’d like to see that come back.
Hmm. That’s a good point. And it would be a good way to introduce a new character for Burns’ new sidekick, as voiced by Christopher Lee. Lee already played a wannabe Ruler of Middle Earth in LotR, so he could be the Machiavellian schemer assistant to Monty Burns.
The new character would be named Dick Cheney. No, that’s been done. Umm. I’ll just call him “Fred” because I can’t think of anything.
Fred gets introduced as a Federal Nuclear Power Plant Inspector who, of course, finds the many things wrong with the plant. At first he seems unbribeable, an Elliot Ness type. But then a series of things go wrong at the plant, culminating with the mysterious disappearance of Smithers. We eventually find he’s been stuffed in with the fuel rods in the containment chamber itself. Really grisley. Fred then tells Monty that he’ll meet the same fate if he doesn’t play ball. The deal is, of course, a nice fat bribe and a new job as Burns assistant.
Watch out for future episodes where Fred tries to do in Burns in all sorts of fascinating ways, only to be foiled again and again. Kind of like watching SS Bob trying to kill Bart, only funnier.