Jesus, who ARE you people? Where is all this public shitting taking place? Tell me so I can avoid it!
The only time I poop in public is if I’m a little (or a lot) ill and my Poop-Controller[sup]TM[/sup] is offline for repairs. Normally it is more than powerful enough to keep everything locked up tight until I get home, no matter when that may be.
**False_God **, you shall be forever in the pantheon of my SD favorite posters just for this line alone, and how you seem to be speaking from the depths of MY very soul:
I took the urinal test and got almost all of them right. I don’t know what this means, exactly, but I’m proud of it anyway.
However, it appears that I’m the only Doper in my office, and that none of my cow-orkers have read this thread.
As I write this, I have just returned from a successful post-Pizza Hut “download” with the Circuits section of the New York Times. While I’m in the midst of dropping the kids off at the pool, someone comes in and takes the stall next to me. “How ironic”, I think, as I was just haranguing them for doing this very thing. After farting thunderously, he settles down. Then I start to hear the noises.
The slapping, thwacking, flesh-on-flesh noises. The heavy breathing, grunting noises.
This fuckwicket is JERKING OFF in the john while I’m sitting less than eight inches from him.
I got up, attended to my trousers and such, and started throwing lit matches over the stall wall. What the hell’s he gonna do, complain that I’m interrupting him?
I washed my hands and left. I need a new job. Anyone in the DC area need a network/desktop troubleshooter? I’ve got an A+ certification and should have my CCNA in a month or so. Frickin’ people.
Hey, False_God,
If I were you, I would have banged on the wall as hard as I could when you realized what was happening… And shouted “Hey man, you ok?” I think that would be enough to make him postpone his “happy time”. Besides, he probably would have turned 3 shades of red in the process, tried to get up to run out the door, tripped on his un-hiked-up pants, and ended up face first on the floor. Wouldn’t that be funny?
My ex-boyfriend is unable to pee if someone else comes in the room or interrupts him. So, when he pisses me off, I make a practice of banging on the bathroom door and saying “I can hear you peeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiing” in a really sing-song voice. Stops him dead in his tracks every time.
We have one handicapped stall and 8 regular stalls on my floor and it never fails that I’ll be the only one in there and the next person to walk in has to choose a stall next to me. Is it so damn difficult to check for feet as you walk in? You can see them plain as day the minute you walk in the door. And please, if you fart or take a shit, don’t use that nasty lemon spray that they leave in the bathroom. It doesn’t make the shit smell disappear ya know. It just smells like someone pulled a rotten lemon out of your ass. Yuck!
Oh yeah. If you do hover over the seat and you leave a pube behind… blow it off the fucking seat before you leave the stall!
I am much like your ex. My wife’s favorite game is to wait until I start peeing and then burst in yelling “I SEE YOU PEE!!!”. Needless to say the plumbing always backs up at that point, and it won’t release for at least an hour.
I have heard somewhere along the way that keeping poop locked up when it wants out is bad for your system. Apparently, it’s most healthy for your innards to go for it the instant the urge hits. Just sayin’, ya know?
(Oh, robgruver, ever consider locking the door? :))
Kee-ryst on a cracker, you folks are sensitive. You don’t like it if someone takes the stall next to yours? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Be thankful there are stalls. Have you ever used a pit toilet? In those, your load just drops onto a huge pile of everyone else’s. Imagine that: your ass hovering a few inches above an enormous, stinking pile of people dung. Lotsa flies buzzing down there, too - hope one doesn’t pitch on your cheek. And someone else’s shit touching yours! EEEWWWW!!!
And what if you had to take a shit in the woods, with all the bears and bunnies watching?
Oh, I hate when someone is in the next stall. They remodeled the bathrooms at work, now on side has one big handicapped stall, and the other side has like 5 TINY goddamn stalls.
When someone’s in the next stall, they are INCHES away. The butt-music is deafening. I feel a goddamn BREEZE on my ankles when the guy next door blows out a gas pocket. I instinctively raise my feet when one of his logs does a splash-down, it sounds like a Poseidon-Adventure-level wave is going to wash through my stall, carrying Shelly Winters and Gene Hackman and the floaters from the stupid sonofawhore who hadn’t learned the BASIC GODDAM BATHROOM ETIQUITTE to leave DAMN EMPTY COURTESY STALL between us!
(verse one)
Time
And I’m short on that
Don’t even try–move a little farther
Something’s wrong, for me to shit, you must be gone
Ooo, fucker, move!
Hey dumbass, move a little farther!
(verse 2)
Because of my odd manners, you’re going to make me late
Move a little farther!
You’re too close to my stall and I can’t defecate
Ooo, fucker, move!
Hey dumbass, move a little farther!
And my own contribution to Toiletiqette:
When forced to take a stall next to an occupied one, I’ve been known to wait so I can detonate the explosives at precisely the same time as my neighbour’s flush.
And my contribution to Toilet Bastardry:
At work, gaining access via the locker room to the plumbing cavity behind the six stalls, and remotely flushing the toilets one by one. Or, to add an element of psychological warfare, if I know only one stall is occupied, I’ll flush all but that one. The fearful wait drives 'em nuts.