I don’t see the point of fucking with Mormon missionaries. I have been approached by several missionaries and they have all been very nice and sincere. Yes, I believe that their religion is a sham. But I don’t think that they’re doing any harm, at least no more harm than any other religious belief system does.
When they approach me I tell them that I’ve read the Book of Mormon (in fact, I have it right here in my desk* - it is a singularly bad piece of literature) and that I don’t believe what it says and I’m not interested in talking about it. They thank me for my time and wish me a good day.
Now, if you’re one of those college-aged dumbasses who is trying to sell magazine subscriptions in order to earn some big prize, I will invite you in and try to get you to understand that you are very stupid. Or, if you’re a cute girl, I will try to get you to have sex with me. I have no respect for people who knock on my door trying to sell me shit.
I was given the book by someone who came to my office for reasons that are unimportant. He lived in Utah, but I didn’t know he was Mormon until he asked us to stop swearing in his presence. At that point I put it together, asked “Are you a Mormon?”, and apologized. Before he left, he handed me the book and asked that I read it. I told him that I would, and I did.
When **Ms. Attack ** was a girl, missionaries came to the door and persuaded her babysitter that she (the babysitter) needed saving right away, so the babysitter went off to look after her soul - leaving the three toddlers unattended.
Curiously, **Ms. Attack ** now takes a dim view of door-to-door God botherers.
When I was 12, my parents and I took a cross country trip, and visited the Mormon Temple as turistas in Salt Lake City, and somehow got signed up for these missionary visits. They actually came over to our house twice, and the missionaries seemed very sincere. I think my parents were actually thinking of converting, even giving up booze. But then my father found out you cant even drink caffeine as a Mormon. STIiiiiill he thought about it, until they excommunicated some woman’s rights activist around 1979 or 1980, which totally turned them off, and my parents asked the Missionaries to stop calling on us.
By all means have them over if you wish. We have a Jehovah’s Witness couple that always drops in on Pepper Mill (I’m usually at work). Knowing Pepper Mill, I know there’s not a chance in He… in Heaven that they’ll come anywhere converting her. By this time, I think they know it, too, but they like the conversation (and the cats). If your goal is conversation and socializing, with religion tossed in, go for it.
If you seriously ARE thinking of converting, then be sure to ask them questions about what they believe and why. I’m sure you know that non-snark is the way to go, but don’t be afraid to ask questions and find out what their beliefs and practices are, and try to learn whether you’d be comfortable with them. There are lots of reasons I couldn’t be LDS, myself, but a sort of obvious one was that there was no way I could reconcile Mormon timelines and histories in with what I’d learned about history, archaeology, and anthropology. YMMV
Finally, don’t do what an acquaintance of mine said he did during an LDS missionary visit – he had all sorts of weird things programmed to go while they were there. He said “I’ll get it” before the phone rang (at a pre-arranged time), and had a painting on the wall that slowly melted, and so on. Your guests might not appreciate such a show, no matter how much effort you put into it.
Actually, that’s not true. Both the FLDS as well as the mainstream LDS use The Book of Mormon as the cornerstone of canon, along with the Old and New Testaments (King James version, IIRC), and another book called The Doctrine and Covenants. Both the BoM and the D&C proscribe polygamy in this lifetime (not just in the next lifetime as current mainstream LDS believe). Big Love doesn’t depict people from a different religion at all. It’s exactly the same religion, on the FLDS practice it much more closely to how Joseph Smith practiced it in the mid 1800s. Polygamy had to be banned by the LDS church in order for Utah to attain statehood.
(To be fair, the Henricksons, the main family in Big Love, practice neither mainstream LDS mormonism, nor do they practice FLDS or any other sect. It appears to be a made-for-TV sort of homespun variety of mormonism, I think mostly to fend off potential lawsuits. Stay Tuned to Cafe Society when the next season starts up, for my posts about this show. I explain what’s mainstream mormonism, what’s FLDS, and what is made up for Big Love.)
The small and subtle distinctions between FLDS and the mainstream LDS are pretty esoteric and obscure for most mainstream media to make, so that’s why the evil librul media call 'em all Mormons. They all use the same book, they all worship the same guy… some just practice more of the rules than the others.
As for inviting them in and asking critical questions, that’s not really going to be effective. The missionaries aren’t allowed to read non-church-published material and therefore, are either unaware of some of the history and contradictions found within the doctrine, or they are most certainly unprepared to deal with those issues in a rational and logical way.
You could ask them about Joseph Smiths 33 wives and ask them if, even in the 1840s and 1850s, if it was de rigeur for middle-aged men to take on teenaged brides. Anyone can go to www.familysearch.org and find Joseph Smiths Personal Ancestral File and will discover that not only was he married to several young girls, but he also sent some married men on missions in England… and then married their wives! Your average missionary won’t be able to explain that, nor justify it. In fact, they’ll think (I) you made it up or got it off some “anti” website. (Familysearch.org is a mormon-owned geneology website.) Point being, you might be able to trigger some cognitive dissonance, but the end result will be that the missionaries will fall back on their testimonies, will bear witness to you that every ounce of Kool Aid they’ve drunk, they know to be “true,” and you will be expected to convert because you will be so touched by their outpouring of emotion and courage of conviction.
My recommendation is that you invite them in, leave your TV on (they are starved for media!), feed 'em a nice meal (no caffeinated soda, coffee, or iced tea), and send them on their friendly way. I think it would be mean to try to deconvert someone while they are on their mission (think of the anxiety that would set up for that person, to be committed to a 2-year mission and suddenly not believe anymore), nor plant the seeds of doubt. For many missionaries, they will come home questioning and the ones who don’t will go home and immediately set about marrying and making a bunch of tiny new mormons, so your influence becomes barely a blip on the radar and you might as well spend that time teaching a pig to sing.
Full Disclosure: I am an exmormon and am quite bitter about my experiences within the church.
Another thing to remember about the missionaries is that, for the most part, this wasn’t a decision that they personally made. There is a huge amount of pressure from all sides on young men to save and prepare for their missions. For many of the people I knew, it didn’t occur to them that they had a choice, especially if their were any college funds that were conditional on their missions. They’re 19, and while their peers are going to college or starting their lives, they’re expected to devote two full years of their existence to preaching the gospel. There’s really no sport in tormenting them.
Just to mention, I know quite a few Mormons, and they are good folks, but LDS is a cult, pure and plain. Last year I visited Temple Square, and man they have that zombie stare thing going on. It was also kind of weird that all the docents were very attractive young girls from all over the world, and all the minders were old american geezers. Very creepy. And what about old Joe Smith, convicted of fraud? Are we to take the word of him and his kin as to the veracity of the tablets? Dum dum dum dum dum!
