How about the electric bag opener for frozen foods ?
It’s a thing that mount on the wall like an electric can opener and you stick the top corner of your bag of frozen veggies in, which it then runs past a blade, neatly opening it, how did I ever live without it ?
The most useless thing I can think of is the fondue set, it gets used once or twice but if you don’t wash it all immediately after use then the ‘stuff’ sets like epoxy resin and it’s the devils own job to remove it.
Most folk still have them in the original decaying 1970’s boxes that they came in.
I have one of the four fondue sets my parents received as wedding gifts in 1964. I’ve been debating a fondue party, but casdave has shown me the error of my ways. Back to the rear corner of the cabinet over the fridge for you, fondue set!
(It’s called, by the way, the Dou You Fondue?[sup]TM[/sup] fondue set.)
I have this horrible impulse to buy things that are “mini” sized, I don’t know why. I bought a set of mini-whisks that are practically Barbie doll sized. I also have some mini-spatulas that are completely useless, and even a mini-cheese grater that is less than useless.
delphica, I think I’ve seen the mini cheese grater advertised as a ‘garlic scraper’. Why anyone would need scraped garlic, I don’t know.
I had a cheese shaver, but I sent it to Chef Troy as part of the White Elephant thingy. I never knew what kind of cheese I was supposed to shave. When would I ever require paper-thin slices of cheese? Well, I hope never, because then I’d kick myself for giving it away. “That cheese shaver would have come in quite handy right now, dammit!” I’d say, and then I’d leave the kitchen, disgusted.
There is such a thing. It’s a rectangular plastic box, only slightly wider and taller than the typical bagel, with slits on each of the narrow sides. You drop the bagel in and slice from the top down, so you don’t have to touch the bagel, and your fingers aren’t vulnerable to the knife.
I was on a temp job that I thought would run indefinitely. They had free bagels every Friday, and I noticed that a lot of people were wearing band-aids on those days. I wheedled some petty cash out of my supervisor and bought this device. I can’t remember where I did get it; I’m loath to say Hannibal Lechter’s, because they’re going out of business. But even if I did get it there, it’s probably also available at Bloodbath and Beyond, or Williams-Soma.
Anyway, I procured the safe, efficient bagel slicer, and the following week, they canned me. I couldn’t even huff off with it because it had been bought with company money.
The most useless thing I have would have to be a little gadget that grates or crumbles hard cheese, like parmesan or bleu cheese. This was given to us by my mom-in-law who obviously meant very well, knowing how much Mr. Winnie loves to cook, but this thing has been in my house for over a year and has never been opened. It looks like a giant rubber stamp and you have to set it on top of the hunk of cheese and kind of twist it to-and-fro. It looks like waaaay too much work and buying a container of fresh grated parmesan at the deli is just fine by me.
I love mine. I use it all the time for applesauce, apple crisp, apple pie. I make far more apple stuff than I would if I didn’t have it. I have used it so much that I actually had to put on the replacement peeling blade (came with it) because mine got dull. Plus, it’s super-fun to use.
The most useless kitchen gadget I ever bought was this onion-chopper thing. You put the quartered onion on the chopping board, put this thing on top of it, and hit it repeatedly with your fist. When the guy at the mall kiosk demonstrated it, it looked fun and easy and efficient. In practice, I ended up with a pile of pulverized onion with some huge chunks mixed in.
I got a useless choppy thing, too, but it was a gift, at least. It’s this spring loaded thing with cheesy blades. You put the onions in this little container, then put the cylinder over it and mash the handle down repeatedly. It produces irregularly-sized onion bits, and is a pain in the ass to clean, and overall takes longer than just chopping the stuff on a cutting board. The only advantage I could see is if you were really sensitive to onions–since it’s all enclosed during the chopping process. I’m not that sensitive to onions–and if I was, I’d just use the food processor.
Related to this, I found a nice use for something I had previously considered useless. You know that melon baller that’s in the back of the drawer? Use that to core the apple. Works wonderfully, and I eat apples a lot more than I need melon balls.
I have to second the “safety” can opener. The very first time I used it, I ended up with a slightly-dented can rim and two pieces of snapped plastic. Total ripoff.
The juice extractor seemed like a good idea at the time. The box it comes in says is separates the pulp from the juice, and deposits it cleanly into its own container. It’s crap. The juice is thick, sludgy and foamy, like baby food. The pulp splatters all over the dome, never into the container, and it’s a complete bitch to clean. Not to mention the fact that it only extracts about a tablespoon of juice from an entire apple.
The bread machine is good, but it’s only every now and then I think to use it. You have to be extremely precise when measuring the ingredients, but if you use it properly, things come out good. I’ve had some terrible loaves out of it in the past though, mainly when I’ve used pre-prackaged bread mixes. They were so heavy and dense, chewing them was like having two jobs.
Of all the gadgets I own, the only one I wouldn’t give up is my KitchenAid mixer. They’re terribly expensive here in England, but worth every penny and built like a tank. My father used them when he was a professional chef, and that’s recommendation enough for me.
can openers
There are very few can openers in this world that I can use with any measure of ease. I usually wind up with the ones that make me never want to eat anything out of a can again. The problem is that I am left handed and everyone else in my family is right handed. I can use good quality can openers without much difficulty, but my family usually buys the cheapest we can find. As a result, I wind up struggling with the can opener for half an hour before I finally give up in frustration and go find someone else to open it. It usually takes them about 30 seconds.
Recently, though, I started college and when I moved into my dorm, I bought a good can opener. Now I only have problems when I go home for the weekend and forget to pack it.