She has to have some degree of empathy if she has a loving marriage, friends, and loves her children now that they are grown, right?
(raises hand) ooohooooh, me me
I think it is funny she thinks she is somehow a pioneer or special in her sentiment. Plenty, of not all, mothers feel this at some point
Again, would it be at all remarkable if a guy said:
“I never thought I’d have kids, but I married a wonderful woman who really wanted kids. She did most of the childcare, but I pulled my weight around the house in other ways. I love my children and I want nothing more than for them to do well, but I’ve never developed a strong emotional bond. Despite that, I’ve done everything I could do to be a good parent and provide a safe, comfortable, nurturing home for them, and I know my wife loves them to pieces. But it’s true that I often think about all the things we could do if we hadn’t had them, and it makes me feel regret.”
Obviously not a stellar father, but pretty common and if the home is otherwise loving and stable, I don’t think it’s the end of the world.
Well, that was weird.
I wonder how much of her feelings are related to expectations and even the language used by a lot of people in parenting communities.
I love my daughter, I love spending time with her, I very much wanted to become a parent … and I confess I have always had a hard time with the word “bonding.” What does that even mean? If it wasn’t a common parenting term, I would have never come up with it myself to describe the experience of having a baby. When my daughter was a newborn, I would try to figure out if I felt a “bond.” Are we bonding? Are we bonded? I didn’t know. Am I bonded to the cat? Eventually I decided not to get hung up on the language, and be happy that found parenting to be rewarding and fun.
A lot of the things she says she DID speak a lot more about her parenting that the words she uses to think about it. Isn’t there a saying about love being what you DO? You see stories all the time about children removed from unfit mothers and the mother is crying and pleading because she loves her children … but yet hits them or fails to feed them properly or subjects them to dangerous people or situations.
The article made me wonder if she’s psychologically very extreme in seeing things as black or white. I, too, love to sneak off and read a book when my child is having some time with dad. There’s a middle ground here - you can value your private time and internal life and still be a good parent. Her opinions about nannies and babysitters also struck me as very militant. Again, middle ground. A good sitter can give a parent some much needed recharging time. She makes it sound like never having another caregiver is right up there with never feeding your baby poison as a fundamental parenting position.
As her current age was given in the beginning of the article, it made me pause when she mentioned she NEVER got her own life back. What, surely her kids are grown up by now? Then at the end, it reveals her daughter has become disabled and is cared for by her parents. That is very sad, and made me think that perhaps facing her daughter’s health problems is bringing some emotional issues to the surface in weird ways. Perhaps she feels or senses that an adult with a such a significant illness would maybe have been better off never having been born, and this is the mother’s way of putting that back on herself. “I never wanted to be a mother, so the mistake was mine” as opposed to “I resent that there’s something gravely wrong with my daughter.”
Although this is a harsh reality, the way she wrote it did not seem to offer much purpose other than venting her own feelings. It was not something that offered other mothers what to do or how to mitigate those feelings or behaviors, so I dont see it as serving much purpose.
In respect for her children, I wonder why she didnt at least write it anonymously?
Yes, I think so.
Why do you say this is common? I’m not saying you’re wrong (I have no idea if how common or uncommon it is), I’m just curious what you’re basing that on.
I agree the leaving the baby at the store is extremely odd, but I would give her a pass on the health problems at the hospital – we have no way of knowing if she was medicated or otherwise impacted by the birth. I was *stoned out of my gourd *when my baby was born, and the whole first day was vaguely like Woodstock. I retained zero information that was shared with me about my baby’s health.
Not at all, not necessarily. Its my understanding that a sociopath will eagerly do things that interest them, or that they receive some sort of ‘perks’ from. A sociopath could maintain normal looking benavior in a marriage if for example,she perceives some sort of ‘perks’ whatever they may in her mind be. However, once a baby comes into a picture, she may not receive ‘perks’, and instead is supposed to give of herself, rather than receive.
Sometimes having these things acknowledged in the open is the thing that frees you and the other person. At the very least it vents out a lot of the resentment and makes things easier.
Childfree by choice, and I can’t tell you how many mothers confessed that had they the choice (and remember, many didn’t before the pill) they’d have never had kids. And that they envied me and regretted having kids.
It’s not the forgetting the baby thing so much as the lack of real concern when she realised her mistake. Most parents (rightly or wrongly) would have a complete fritz-out if they got home and only then remembered the kid outside the store.
Yet her retelling seems to be one of total blaseness. It’s the lack of emotionality that gets me about her story, and I reckon some sort of mental illness might be at the base of her issues, made more complex by a completely narcissistic personality.
That’s if her story is to be believed as verbatim.
I pity her poor daughter having to live with mum now, being even more of a burden and cramping mum’s freedom to live as she wishes. In a relatively normal family it would be bad enough, but with this gorgon?
Yeah, should have kept the story anonymous.
Am I the only one who has noticed that the article was published in the Daily Mail? You now the byword for bullshit.
Thank you! Jesus I was going to post this, I’m glad I scrolled to the end of the thread to find someone else had.
On the one hand, I think that it’s “good” that she gives voice to her feelings, so that those who feel similarly can learn, or feel accepted, or something like that.
On the other hand, frankly, I think that there are some things we are required to suffer silently. Regretting having your kids is one of them. Admitting that publicly is selfish, self-serving, and hurtful. One of the responsibilities of parenthood is pretending that you are happy you had your kids, even if you don’t feel that way.
I agree. It doesnt surprise me that someone can be a parent without feeling any particular warmth for the child, but the indifference to the possibility that her son might have died or been harmed is very disturbing.
It also doesn’t make any sense to me that she complains about how having children spoiled her ability to have time alone for herself yet she chose not to accept any help from nannies or such.
That was my first thought too! :eek:
Completely agree. If nothing else, it’s still a fellow human, damn.
sounds like borderline personality disorder compounded with post partum.
as for leaving the child at the store, hell, every year we hear of babies killed because forgotten in the car in summer, or parent sits child in seat on top of car and spaces out and drives off.
despite horrific pressure, I had no kids because I doubted my ability to be a good parent, much less my ability to love a child.
solution: birth control in the water supply, parenting classes and volunteer time in both orphanages and juvie facilities before you can get the antidote to become pregnant. would lower the hell out of child abuse, neglect, crack babies, and welfare for people with 20 kids.
But almost every single one of those parents feels unimaginable guilt and despair. The surprising part isn’t that she did it, it’s that she was nonplussed about it after realizing her mistake. And it’s not postpartum depression if she still doesn’t look back on it with any type of distress.
Being a good parent is a million times harder than loving the child.
I agree - there are people who would make fantastic parents, and yet they can’t have kids - mrAru would make a great parent and I had severely bad reactions to being pregnant, which 2 of 3 times almost killed me [and I aborted before the 3d one could have a go at killing me.]
And I would make a horrid parent, and never did actually want kids.
Then there are people who [like me who can get pregnant even on properly used birth control] can pop kids out like tictacs who make horrible parents, and really shouldn’t have kids.
Though some horrible parent candidates want kids, and have the kids.
The little perv was already groping his sister at that age.