If someone confessed to you that they wish their child had never been born, what do you think your would your emotional reaction be?
Is such an opinion always abhorrent?
I wouldn’t have an emotional response. Sounds pretty normal to me. People have been grousing about how the world’s not fit to have a kid in since we started reproducing. Then you’ve got the people that bring some evil bastard into the world wishing they hadn’t, and the people that brought good kids in the world regret exposing them to evil bastards, blah blah blah.
Someone with doubts is better than the ones that think they’ve gifted the world with their progeny and we should fall at their feet in thanks.
I would feel sympathy. Parenthood is hard.
As epbrown01 above. My reaction depends on why the person is saying that.
I recently dealt 3rd-hand with an ugly situation involving a psycho drug-using abusive 30-something idjit. Whose Mom was less than pleased with the result of her handiwork.
My emotional reaction was that it’s painful to watch the poor lady in distress. But her distress is appropriate. Her judgment that the kid’s been a net negative to humanity seemed spot-on. Tragic, but spot-on.
Her blindness to what seemed to me to have been her large role in shaping the idjit’s bad psyche was further tragic. But not surprising.
OTOH, some angry parent shouting at a 4 year old that they wish the kid had never been born? I’ve heard that out in public for real. And not just once.
In this case the kid’s innocent, the parent is at least a psychological abuser if not a physical one. And that kid desperately needs CPS on his/her side.
The world does not need more humans. Despite the Pope’s ancient ideas. But it could use better human beings.
Depends on the motivation. Life as we know it is full of pain and stress, so I can see multiple reasons why someone would regret reproducing.
If someone had regrets because it made life harder to engage in partying, that would cause me to question the character of the person. Nonetheless, no, still not wrong.
That is why I decided not to reproduce. if I was born in the 22nd century when neuroscience was more advanced, I could see the benefit in reproduction. But not now.
Nietzsche: “I did my children the favor of not having them.”
Looking at it from the other side, is it wrong to feel contented that you did not produce any children?
Would be your emotional reaction if the child were Hitler, Stalin, or Mao?
It’s a bit interesting that the OP is a woman and thus far all the replies have been from men (I think). Curious.
As Wesley Clark said it would depend on a large extent to what the persons motivation was for saying it.
And to offset Nietzsche, personally I’ve always liked this poem:
’ A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.
Robert Frost’
I’ll even it out. (Female respondent.)
Kids will try your patience. A friend at work once told me that every day with her five (I just can’t :eek:) boys was a blessing and joy. I swallowed my words and just stared.
Some kids are a joy. Those kids will have bad days. Every kids does.
Some kids are challenging. Those kids will have good days. Every kids does. I hope.
Both of my kids are disabled. I love them desperately. They have also given me a lot of perspective on children.
I would understand completely if someone said they wished their child had never been born. I would hope they could find the help they needed (not everyone who says that has challenging kids - sometimes they’re just having a bad day and need a day off). I really, really do sympathize that a parent could have that momentary feeling of being over their head and needing help.
To answer the OP, I think my reaction my first reaction would be sympathy, unless I knew them to be drug abusers, suicidal, physically abusive or dangerous. Then my first reaction would be to offer to babysit, whilst I called CPS. Not everyone is ready to be a parent.
as one who doesn’t have kids, I’d probably think “I respect your honesty.” but that assumes they’re doing a decent job as parent regardless of their feelings.
no. it’s “taboo” to say so in our culture (and many other cultures,) but I’d wager it gets thought several orders of magnitude more than it gets said. some may just be venting after particularly trying times, others might be genuine regret.
one of the reasons I’ve never wanted kids is that I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to look back on 20+ years and think “why the hell did I think that was a good idea?”
Hmm. I didn’t see the doubt in the OP’s protagonist–
Anyway,
OK, not always. But in most cases, where it is functionally a rationale for abuse and murder?
I always knew, just knew I did not want children. I knew it in the same way that I knew I did not want to be a ballerina. Just no kids, period.
Of course, I was always told I would change my mind. Like I had no idea what I was talking about when considering a most basic part of my nature.
Now I’m in my fifties, no kids, and am I glad I knew enough about myself to trust my instincts.
I think that a lot of people really don’t want kids. Unfortunately, some of them have them anyway, and don’t dare voice any regrets.
No, it’s not wrong. It happens for all kinds of reasons. I know people whose disabled children have a very poor quality of life, who say they would not have had them if they’d known they would have had this particular disability. I even know one couple who sued the doctor who outright lied to them, saying that the condition which killed their daughter was not detectable by amniocentesis in a future pregnancy, because he didn’t want them to have an abortion, and they had a second child with the condition. Obviously, they regret having that child, because his short life was mostly pain and seizures and tube feedings, and they got little joy out of parenting him, and knew what was in store as soon as he was diagnosed, and would have aborted had they had the choice. And I completely understand their feelings.
I also know very sleep-deprived new mothers of healthy infants who think they’ve made a mistake. I think sleep-deprivation is a big component of post-partum depression. Anyway, their feelings are transitory, usually, yet also entirely understandable.
But it’s also common for people who are themselves depressed to feel hopeless for their children, when their children’s lives are normal, other than having a depressed parent, and if someone expresses regret out of what seems like the blue, or out of their own mire, it might be a good idea to reach out to them, because their child might not be safe. It’s probably pretty rare that a child gets hurt, but I’ve worked with a population that gets exasperated more easily than most, so I’m biased toward thinking about the child’s safety.
Every situation is different, though. It is taboo in our society to admit to not being overjoyed by parenthood-- I hated when people asked me how I liked motherhood when I was a new mother…what was I supposed to answer? Sometimes I’d say “It’s exhausting,” other times I’d just say “Yes.” Would I ever say “No,” even if that was what I was feeling at the moment? not on your life, so someone who does admit it either is very brave, or very desperate. I hope the answer is brave.
Why does everyone think I’m a man? I’m a woman.
Initial assumption would be that the child had an unusually difficult personality or serious health issues such that everyday living is a tortured experience.
I would not necessarily judge such a person for feeling this way. If they were trying their best to parent and make sure the kid had what it needed, and was also sensitive enough not to advertise their feelings of regret to their kid and close ones, I wouldn’t fault them.
Is it wrong to wish someone you meet on the street was never born? How would they feel about you wishing non-existence on them? How would you like it if a person wished you into non-existence?
Wished I didn’t exist or actually had the power to wish me into non-existence? Those are two very different things. Though I’d feel nothing at all if I’d been wished into non-existence, since I wouldn’t exist.
Though I do think there is a difference between wishing a child had never been born and wishing you’d never had children. The end effect is the same in but in the first case the focus is on the child, the wish is about the child, and while I feel like the latter is statement about oneself. It really is sort of semantics, but the emotional resonance is different to me.
I can’t say as I really understand the suggestion that regret is something that can be/ should be wrong. Regret just is. Yes, it could be a sign that something is really wrong, or it could be a temporary rough patch, or it could be a selfish parent, or it could be an abusive parent. Good examples of all of those have been given. But in any of those cases, regret is not wrong. It’s appropriate, in fact. It’s a warning sign, perhaps, but it’s never wrong.
I have two really great, pretty easy kids, and there are still days I kinda regret having them. Those are bad days, and I know they’re temporary, and that the feeling will pass…but I also know it will return. Yes, it’s often linked to my depression flaring, although lately it’s been a bit more of an existential crisis as the current state of our nation has me literally fearful for my children’s future in a nation of deplorables. My regret in no way extends to wanting to end their lives to fix my…mistake?..don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I do regret bringing them into a world of suffering and hate. They deserve better.
I guess the circumstances would determine my opinion. If someone had an unintended child, and said they’d wished they’d never had kids, that’s entirely understandable.
But if someone went out of their way to deliberately get pregnant and have children, and then opines that they wish they’d never done it, I’d be a little annoyed. That’s the kind of thing you should be SURE of before you do it, and bitching after the fact would probably elicit the “Suck it up, sunshine” reaction out of me (as the father of 2 young boys (2 and 5), so I’m not some single guy saying this)