Movie Plots that Need to Be Retired

Cafe Society
1

I went to see COLD MOUNTAIN over the weekend but it was sold out, so at my friend’s insistence we went to see Mona Lisa Smile instead. I had assumed that it would basically be a gender variant on the “unconventional teacher makes big difference among students while teaching at a snobby elite New England prep school in the last century” (basically “Dead Poets Society” with cleavage) and, it turned out, I was absolutely right.

This and the recent slew of Christmas Carol threads had me thinking: what would be your nominees for plots that need to be retired for at least a couple of decades? Mine:

-Any type of CHRISTMAS CAROL remake (it’s been done to death with lots of really good and lots of really bad and lots of really mediocre versions and there’s just really not much more you can do to it)

-Anything involving snobby New England prep schools (Dead Poet’s Society, Scent of a Woman, Mona Lisa Smile, Emperor’s Club, School Ties, etc. etc.). Perhaps 1% of 1% of the population actually attended a school matching this description and I’m convinced that none of them ever wrote a movie about it because it’s always the same characters (the Elvis villain upper-crust snob, the character who’s really okay but needed to have his/her eyes open, the misfit poor kid, etc.).

-Movies based on SNL sketches (there hasn’t been one in a while, and that’s a good thing- although GOTH TALK could possibly field one if you could buy Chris Kattan as a high school student)

-Remakes of Les Liaisons Dangereuses- it’s been a French film , a great American movie , a so-so Forman vehicle , a musical, a teen sex romp and a Rupert Everett miniseries; that’s enough film for one work. If you want to do some public domain work then make some movies of Mark Twain’s lesser read stories (or even the definitive Huckleberry Finn which has yet to be made that I’ve seen) or film new versions of Marlowe’s works or Moliere’s plays, etc., and plow new ground as this is quickly growing infertile.

-Movies about “by the book” older cops and their maverick partners (though it might be interesting to have a by-the-book rookie cop and an out of control old one).

More suggestions, please.

2

How about:

“I’ve lost my memory and don’t know who I am and these guys are trying to kill me!”

or:

“Some guys are trying to kill me. Wait, this hot chick is trying to help me and she’s the only one I can trust. Damn, she tricked me and she’s on the bad guys side!”

3

I seem to recall that the Clint Eastwood - Charlie Sheen cop movie The Rookie had that plot. As it turned out, it wasn’t that interesting.

My suggestion is any movie plot involving CGI infants acting like adults. There’ve only been two that I know of: Baby Geniuses and the forthcoming Mask 2. And that’s two too many. Hell, that’s three too many, the idea sucks so much.

4

How about: Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back? :slight_smile:

" it might be interesting to have a by-the-book rookie cop and an out of control old one" – That’d be Training Day.

5

Children swapping bodies with their parents. They’ve done it so many times that they’ve given up all attempts at orignaility, and are now even recycling the title.

Mafia movies. Specifically, movies that follow the rise and fall of a criminal empire. Especially if they star Robert DeNiro, or a guy that looks as much like DeNiro as they could find.

6

Movies where Rich Guy rescues Poor Girl - Pretty Woman, Maid in Manhattan, etc.

7

Underdog sports team/hero makes it to the big time and pulls out the big win, complete with South Parkesque “sports training music montage”.

Anything that requires the star to sit in a make-up chair for more than 15 minutes.

Please clean the bathroom.

8

Movies with no reason to be except for car chases, buildings blowing up, martial arts fighting, and bickering buddies. I would list them but my fingers would get cramps from all the typing.

9

The old “We are treading on knowledge man was not meant to know” thing.

10

Any remake. Period.

11

Any plot that’s been made into a Chris Rock movie (not that I don’t think he’s great, but he needs a new agent):

Regular schmo – decides to run for/is mistaken for/is obscure heir of – leader of the country, getting the chance to champion the common man.

Regular schmo – is mistaken for/used to be/meets wizened guru and becomes – a secret agent, and takes down the bad guy that killed/kidnapped his/her brother/daughter/wizened guru.

Richer-and-more-arrogant-than-regular schmo dies and is resurrected as a(n) – white/old/female – person, and struggles with how differently he is now treated.

12

You might like this.

13

A man. A woman. They’ve in love with/interested in/stalking other people. Then they meet by chance/knew each other/hired the other to make their love interest jealous. Last, they realize their love interest is wrong for them, and this new person/old friend/hired SO is really the one for them.

14

Any movie where two or more people of extremely varying backgrounds get together for some reason and, at first, hate each other, but end up liking each other and, in the process, learn something about themselves.

Uptown Girls should be the last movie like this made.

15

A serial killer knows which cop is tracking him and leaves personalized clues for that cop.

Has anything even remotely resembling that ever happened in real life?

16

Any movie that is purely a vehicle for dumb jokes about flatulence, semen, etc.

If you’re going to make semen jokes, at least make them smart :slight_smile:

17

Windwalker, I must confess that I question the feasibility of your challenge.

18

Movies made out of crappy old TV shows. If nobody wanted to see a “Flintstones” or “Dragnet” movie while the show was on the air, why the hell would anybody want to now?

19

“Yeah, that William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe gag that would really make you think.”

20

Technically wasn’t Lord of the Rings a remake? I think there was an earlier one done in the 70s that was evidently horrible.

Something small I’d like to never see again in a movie is something from LOTR:ROTK, True Lies, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and others for sure. I absolutely loved these movies, but in the scenes where someone is hanging from a cliff do we really need the “our hands are too far to reach, you’re going to fall to your death”…but then at the last second the one falling reaches out extra far, like 2 arms lengths up, and grabs the hand of the other person and climbs up to safety. And of course they have to zoom in on the hand-lock.