Movies that had a lot of potential (but were dire anyway)

Cafe Society
1

My pick has got to be Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000.
Possible frontal spoilers coming UP here*******

The initial premise was innovative and nice. A group of hi-tech thieves (headed by a cool customer in the form of Omar Epps) decides to break into the vault of Matthew/Abraham Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer), surmising that in order for there to be so much security around the vault, something extremely valuable has got to be inside (don’t these guys ever learn, huh?).

However, during the break-in, a security alarm goes off (set off by the thieves) and all hell breaks loose. In thier frantic rush to get a large silver coffin (which they believe to contain precious treasures) out, two of them get iced. The remainder scram with the coffin intact, little aware what hellish entreprenuer they have unleashed upon the world.

OK not exactly the most believable beggining to a plot, but honestly, I can take it coz the first fifteen-twenty minutes is so enjoyable.

It’s from here-on the film begins to deteriorate.

This upsets me, not least because I think the film had such potential. For once I would like to see a made-for-TV-style movie (which this so definately is) that contains an intelligent script and good acting. I can forgive the crappy visuals and lame-ass-Poltergeist: The Legacy-special effects. What I cannot forgive is this constant need to dumben everything down to a catchy soundbite.

I mean, at least get a competent Dracula (I mean come on - Gerard Butler? He should’ve continued his Attila The Hun impersonation, it worked farrrrrrrrrrr better than this tripe). Not someone who’s accent makes me want to force feed my neighbours dog sewer scratchings just so he can go up to this guy and vomit all over him.

The Mary Helsing was somewhat attractive (Justine Waddell). But for the most part she’d of been better off in a porn movie. Her acting shocked was about as effective as when Keanu Reeves broke down in Speed.

Don’t even get me started on Johnny Lee Miller. He would have been better suited to Snatch 2: The One We Shouldn’t Have Made But We Gotta Milk The Money Now, So Here’s This Guy.
If only someone had actually thought about the movie just a little more, cut out the unnecessarily bad dialogue, designed a more interesting plot and whole three-dimensional characters, it would have been sooooo much better. Get better character actors. More moments of genuine tension (not too many though - I still want this to be a TV-like movie).

Basically just some more thought.
Anyways, enough of my bitching about this film…
Have you got any?

2

Underworld could have been interesting, but turned out rather Bleh. I kind of liked the neo-victorian atmosphere(like at the train station sequence), but I was just annoyed by a some of the action sequnce, particulary when the the director seemed to think he was remaking the matrix.

Aliens vs. Predator. I don’t think I need to say any more.

I can’t believe I can’t think of any more at the moment. I was talking about this to a friend just a week or so ago.

3

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen should’ve been a lot better.

4

What in your opinion could they have done to improve it?

5

They should have stayed with Alan Moore.

6

Please don’t get me started on The Travesty of Extraordinary Magnitude.

Star Wars: Episode 1. 'Nuff said.

bamf

7

People are going to get really mad if I say The Matrix.

The Matrix.

8

Suspect Zero. Less art, more movie, please. I like a good exploration of the human psyche as much as the next guy – probably a good deal more than the next guy, really – but a plot-driven movie is a plot-driven movie, and when the movie itself doesn’t recognize that, it tends to ruin the whole thing for me.

Yes, Ben Kingsley is calculating and disturbed. Yes, Aaron Eckhart is stressed out and determined. We get it. Now, were you going somewhere with that, or did you just want us to watch these two characters’ mentalities play off of each other meaninglessly until the essentially superfluous ending? Ah, I see you’ve elected the latter. Gee, thanks.

Could’ve been awesome if anything useful had happened. Decided instead to be a pointless waste of time. Unless you get off on excessive pretension (and this is coming from a guy who really likes Mulholland Drive), I’d make it a point to avoid Suspect Zero.

9

It was interesting…it just wasn’t nearly as good as it COULD have been.

10

That’s probably what I meant to say.

11

This site had some suggestions. Granted, this article was written about four years ago and one of the actors they suggest is now dead but their version couldn’t be any worse than the one that was filmed.

12

Evolution.

They have a wonderfully ridiculous setup for what could be a wonderfully ridiculous, hilarious, gut-bursting, juicy-farting movie. I’ve said that it coulda risen to Airplane!-level heights, and I stand by that.

The problem: They took themselves too seriously.

They had a ludicrous plot progression, which would have worked if the dialogue and acting had been similarly ludicrous. But no. They acted as if using a crapload of laundry detergent as a superweapon were as serious a notion as something out of Patriot Games. Wooden acting (except on the part of Orlando Jones, he was okay), SLOOOOOW, even during the “cool” parts (come ON, running around a shopping mall with shotguns hunting down a flying beastie? That shoulda been HILARIOUS! Why did it SUCK?!?!?).

All in all, an excellent idea, stupid, stupid, STUPID execution. What a waste.

13

Having just watched Jersey Girl last night, and being a massive Kevin Smith fan…c’mon, Kev, you can do better than this nonsense.

The funny parts were funny, but for the love of God enough with the crappy music played over scenes of angst and introspection. Fill that space with witty dialogue…you know, the kind that you’ve based your entire career upon?

My husband claims its crappiness was due to the fact that they blew too much money on CGI, making that cute baby even cuter.

From the reviews that I’ve read, **The Forgotten **showed promise but dumped it about 2/3rds of the way through. I’m still gonna try and check it out personally, though.

14

Personally, I think the biggest problem with this movie was that it was just plain boring. I mean I actually liked a hell of a lot of DD’s deadpan delivery. For me, his combination with OJ (now now, let’s not go there) was a real treat to watch.

And kudos for them getting in some blonde eye candy (I’m not a big fan of Julianne Moore - at least physically).

Didn’t Ivan Reitman write this? If so, I don’t think you could’ve expected that much better, plot-wise. Let’s face it, do you remember the story-line in Ghostbusters?

But like you, I agree that the film needed to follow a better logical progression. I think that none of Stifler’s jokes seemed funny (in both content and delivery), and the two fat guys were just confusing (“we need two fatties in our movie… YEAH!!! AND LET’S MAKE 'EM AS GROSS AS WE CAN!!! THAT’LL GO OVER WELL!!!”).
Yet another movie hubba-dubbed by it’s complete lack of thought - and consequently turns out to be a Monday-night-movie-for-your-6-year-old-cousin-brother type.

15

Excellent post. Exactly what I think about Evolution. I understand it started out being a serious movie, but Ivan Reitman decided to go the comedy route instead.

16

Sure do! It was just a vehicle to get funny stuff on the screen. A GOOD vehicle. Just like Evolution, but without the funny stuff.

It’s like watching a clown car pull up, with the circus music playing and everything, ready to see a whole swarm of clowns disperse… only to see a single, scrawny businessman with a briefcase step out, casually adjust his tie, and then walk away.

17

Actually, that might be funny, just because it’s so unexpected.

18

The Godfather: Part III. What a fucking abortion!

The first two were tragedies – each ended with a Michael Corleone, initially so disgusted with his family’s business and way of life, reluctantly ordering a murder for the sake of the family’s honor and safety. The ending of GFIII – there’s no dramatic necessity at all, it just comes under the heading of “shit happens.”

Also, they should have brought back Robert Duvall to reprise his role as Tom Hagen, the Corleones’ Irish consiglieri.

Also – this may have been a rumor but I heard they initially wanted Winona Ryder, instead of Sofia Coppola, to play Mary Corleone. Would’ve made it a much better movie.

And I would have liked to see something of Carlo and Connie’s son, who was baptized during the “Sicilian Vespers” massacre at the end of GFI. Connie is still on the scene, whispering in Michael’s ear as if she were the power behind the throne – so what ever happened to her son? Why is she pinning all her hopes and amibitions on Sonny’s bastard Vincent?

And Don Altobello’s motivations were never adequately explained.

Come to think of it, the whole premise of a mob boss being a multi-billionaire with international influence and connections is kind of unrealistic anyway. Real-life mob bosses nowadays are lucky to live in a suburban McMansion, like Tony Soprano. Aren’t they?

19

Well, it seemed like he was moving into more legit businesses by then and this was before the mob had it’s back broken by the decline of Ometra. Maybe he was running a law firm? He said something about needing more Lawyers.

20

The baby being baptized was actually Sofia Coppola (playing the son, not the character Mary Corleone).