In my secret alternative, purely imaginary life, I’m rich, retired from real life and play in a bar band with three women and a hippie bass player. I play lead guitar, my adoringly hot wife sings and plays guitar, her twin sister is the drummer, and this other girl is the keyboard player. I keep it real though, because in real life I can’t sing, so in pretend world I don’t sing either. Mostly we play a country-ish tinged rock - lots of Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams, John Hiatt… Oh, the wife and sister are about 20 years younger than me, blond and southern girls. I made the sister gay so I don’t get tempted into that whole threesome thing.
I thought it best to bold the ‘imaginary’ above, so no one thinks I live this secret life and buy into it. It’s just a fun place to be when I’m driving or working out and the music is turned to 11.
Because my cat, the one of a kind Cuervo, does not talk, he and I communicate telepathically. Honest, I can pretty much just wonder where he is, and he shows up.
I’ve met Dex and you probably haven’t.
I do have a “place” where I go, and everyone knows my name. I walk in, the server nods at me, he or she brings me my drink as soon as I sit down. When I order food there, most of them only have to be told I’ll have the usual, and they know what that means. I think all people should have such a place, whether it’s a bar, coffee shop or diner.
I will almost never engage in an argument unless I know absolutely, 110% that the facts I’m arguing are correct. If I’m arguing my opinion, and not facts, I’m very open to listening to your POV, no matter how wrong you are.
People think I’m joking when I say that the reason my daughter is an only child is because I grew up with an older sister, and I vowed that no child of mine would endure that if I could help it. I’m not joking. To this day (I’m 49, she’s 53), she talks to her friends about me as if I were 8 years old, despite that I’ve had more professional success than her, have three fewer kids in therapy than her, have a much better spouse and family life than her, and since I’m being petty - look a good 15 years younger than her.
Oh, and my daughter gleefully admits that she would have been exactly “that” older sister, so agrees with my instincts.
In my secret, imaginary life, I live in London, and I’m rich. I own a flat and I’m an agent of an international organization that investigates paranormal activity. I jetset around the world regularly and carry a gun. I sleep with anybody I like, particularly dapper English gentleman and I am the very epitome of class and sophistication. I play the violin like a maestro.
True confession: In my secret life I am also not Indian, I am white.
IRL:
No one has ever “guessed” I am an only child. Most people say I don’t have the qualities of an only child (whatever they might be.) I am a get-along girl and always have been, and am rather proud of this trait.
IRL I hate most practical jokes and think they are much too cruel, except for the very very mild ones.
Having said that I value sarcasm and a quick wit over looks in both friends and mates.
In my secret, imaginary life, Mark Harmon, Harrison Ford, and George Clooney pursue me relentlessly. They want me in their movies, since they can’t have me any other way, because I am most happily married.
I wanted to be a writer when I was younger, because writing short stories seemed to be an easy way to make a living. Then I figured out about editing and stuff - dang - writing is hard work!! So I became an engineer.
My favorite color is red, but I look better in pink. I don’t like yellow on me, or on my walls.
I love steamed crabs made with black pepper much better than the salt recipe popular here in southern MD. If I’m hungry enough, I can eat a dozen easily. NOMNOMNOMNOM!!
I wish I could dance. There are times when I hear music and feel like I *need *to dance but I can’t.
I want to go to Australia. I don’t know if I ever will, but I sure want to.
In my secret, imaginary life, I have a nice little condo somewhere close to the ocean. I’ve also got a house somewhere cold where I can spend summers. In my spare time, I raise money and volunteer my time for various charities and animal shelters. I also draw, sing, write fiction and poetry, act in movies and theater, and play guitar, piano, and harmonica in my spare time (I do all this very well, of course). When I’m not doing all that, I travel around America, seeing sights and meeting people. I’m fluent in a few languages, and I go out of the country regularly. I also listen to great music, read great books, and watch great movies. I bike around the neighborhood, play basketball and frisbee with neighborhood kids, surf, dance, ride my motorcycle, camp in the wilderness, cut older people’s lawns just to be nice and because I can, and drive around the neighborhood for the hell of it. Hugh Laurie and I are close friends, and Christian Bale comes over to cook for me and tell me interesting stories every now and then. My husband is Scott Bakula (guy on the left), circa Quantum Leap (so, 20 years ago). He is just as nice, sweet, and caring as I imagine he is in real life. I see The Killers in concert whenever they come around, and occasionally they’ll let me up on stage to sing with them. I’m also half a foot taller, skinnier, and have a smaller butt.
Okay, in my secret imaginary life, I am eight years old, living at home with my folks. I go to school during the week. My favorite subject is Reading. Every Saturday I ride my bike around the neighborhood all morning, followed by some serious roller skating. On these Saturdays I get to wear a striped short-sleeve t-shirt, boy’s blue jeans, and Keds. I have my hair in two braids. I also carry a cool slingshot which I made myself, and a pen knife.
Anyhow after playing all morning, I go in for lunch which is turkey on white bread with mayo, plus potato chips. I don’t worry about carbs or calories. On Sundays I go to church and Sunday School, neither of which I like but I have to go so I do. Then we visit my Granny and have fake cocktails and pretzel sticks.
In the summer I go to camp and then after I come home from camp I spend the end of the summer leading raids with the other kids with my cool cap pistol and playing in my excellent fort. I never grow up and nobody ever dies. It rocks.
