OK, so you were trying to clear up my ear infection with some sort of vacuum device, sucking up all the pus and other shit swimming around inside my ear, which was sensitive as shit from all the irritation, and the vacuum thingie was making a terrific racket inside my ear as it bumped all the sensitive parts, and I’m sure you realized that instructing me to keep my head perfectly still as you worked had less than 100% effectiveness against involuntary responses to the noise and pressure, but JESUS CHRIST MAN! was I the first patient you ever worked on? The annoyed tone as you said, “I’m trying to help you here” really pissed me off. Do you think you could maybe cut me a little slack if I’m having a little trouble being completely compliant with your instruction to suppress every instinct I’ve ever had to someone operating a machine inside my fucking ear?
While I can’t remember the last time I had an ear infection. I’ve had two ENTs use that sucking thing in my ears. And they were both super nice, almost like dentists that have a sixth sense for when you’re about to puke on them and know to back off and give you a minute.
If you have no particular ties to this Dr, it might be worth finding a new one next time you have an ear problem.
I said doctor (DOCTOR)
Mr. ENT (DOCTOR)
Could you please stop
Bein’ pissy to me
He said yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Like a surgeon, hey
Cuttin’ for the very first time
Like a surgeon
Here’s a waiver for you to sign
Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I got a bad case of inner-ear juice
No pill gonna cure my ill
Only loud suction will be of use
That… sucks.
Ditto to this. That sounds horrible.
I was being evaluated by a retinal surgeon a while back, he came at me without warning from my blind side and I flinched involuntarily. He says “What are you flinching for, I’m just going to press on your eye with a blunt instrument?” Jesus Doc, if that’s not a reason to flinch what is?
Yeah.
Thanks for the good humor, songbirds!
I don’t think they’re teaching “Bedside Manner” in med school anymore. “Two for flinching!!!”
God, man. I feel your pain… well…not EXACTLY your pain but my pain.
I consider what I do to compl…eerm…communicate is just a teaching moment.
I don’t mind teaching medical professionals how to treat me and then maybe the next patient will have it better.
It’s my calling in life 
I don’t know why you would expect delicate treatment from a giant tree person in the first place.
“I know it’s tough to hold completely still. Try to keep your head a little bit steadier, okay? Let me know when you’re ready for another five seconds. It’s very loud, I know, but it’s completely safe.”
“I know this is rough, and I’m trying to finish it as fast as possible, so you can be done with this. If you can manage it, try to raise your hand, instead of moving your head, if it’s too painful and i need to back off for you to catch your breath. If you want, i can give you a piece of rubber to bite. i know it’s loud and can be painful, but it’s completely safe, and i want to work with you to get your ear clean so it can heal. Ready for another few seconds?”
Better still.
When I was about 6yo I had an abscess within my ear. I was screaming, so the doctor had my father come in and hold me down. He didn’t realize that my father made me scream, just being in the same room with him.
I like this.
When I was about seven, we kids liked to sing along with a nonsense song called “Teddy Bear’s Got Beans in His Ears.” So one day while riding in the back of the station wagon, I happened to come upon an unpopped popcorn kernel from out latest trip to the drive-in movies. Naturally I HAD to role play the song, so I put it in my ear. I successfully removed it with no trouble several times, until I didn’t.
I remember a VERY painful session at the pediatrician, with high-pressure jets of water against my eardrum that followed that little adventure.