Mr. President, There's a Giant Lizard Eating the Chrysler Building

In monster movies, there’s never really a scene where one of the President’s aides has to walk up to the President and say, “We’ve got a giant lizard running amok on Long Island.” The President is either not in the film, briefed about the events off-screen, or is shown live video of the events. However, were a giant lizard (or gorilla or robot or what have you) to start tearing up the real estate some place, somebody is going to have to go up to the President and inform him of this fact. If there’s no available video of the events, its going to be a bit awkward to do this, I’d think.

Sure, you can say what’s going on, but how are you going to get him to believe you? There’s going to be at least a moment or two where he’s going to say something like, “You’re shitting me, aren’t you?” Telling him that, “We’re getting reports of something serious going on in NYC.” only delays getting the information to him, and when you do come out with the fact that a giant lizard is running amok, he’s probably going to be a wee bit dubious.

Of course, if its something utterly bizarre, we’ve at least had movies about giant lizards tearing up a city, like say a giant firebreathing kitten, well, that’s really hard to get across in any credible manner, isn’t it?

They could actually show the Prez a scene from Godzilla, and say that this is an artist’s rendtion of what seems to be happening. With Bush, it could work!

These days, you’d probably have live video being transmitted within minutes of the attack, so you could just hold up your Small Flashy Gadget and show it to him.

The verbal exchange would probably depend on where the president was from.

Aide: Mr. President, we’ve got a giant lizard running amok on Long Island.
Southern President: A giant whut? You been into the moonshine agin, son?

Aide: Mr. President, we’ve got a giant lizard running amok on Long Island.
Northeastern President: What part of Long Island?
Aide: Uh . . . Manorville.
Northeastern President: It’s probably just a lost pet. Tell me if it gets west of Ronkonkoma.

Surely you recall: Mr. President, it seems an airliner has crashed into the World Trade Center. It was probably a hijacking.

That bit of news was followed by some Presidential incredulity.

Followed by a rousing interpretation of The Pet Goat.

I’m really, really glad there isn’t actually a giant lizard eating the Chrysler Building, because I spend all my working hours there. In fact, I’m there right now.

Don’t scare me like that. I was trying to dig my copy of the evacuation plan out of my desk drawer as soon as I saw the thread title.

Does it cover giant lizard attacks? Because it would be handy to know what they suggest doing.

Well, notifying the President is right out, I guess.

The Chrysler Building’s on Manhattan Island, not Long Island.

Yeah? Well, the lizard’s big enough to chomp on it from Long Island.

That’s one heckuva lizard, Brownie!

You just had to go and drag PETA into it, now didn’t you.

Whatever you do, don’t cross the beams!!!

Aw shit, it’s the Sta-Puft guy …

Well now, that’s an excellent thing in and of itself. While it’s out, why don’t you take a look at it, and see what you first and second choice evacuation routes are.

Then next time you have to go to the ground floor, try taking your evacuation route instead. If you have to go down 40 or 50 stories try it when you’re at work on a weekend and going back home. Figure about 30 second per floor at a good clip, 60 if you walk leisurely. It could be a bit of fun exploration, some decent exercise, and just might maybe save your life one day.

I’m reading Amada Ripley’s The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes - and Why that was mentioned in the Hudson Miracle thread. Turns out that all the WTC employees during 9/11 had *never *taken the emergency stairs. Their fire drills consisted of gathering in the central area on their floors and awaiting further instructions. Most did not even know that they had to transfer to another stairway at a lower floor. They did not know where they would come be when they came out of the building. The order to evacuate the building was never given… The people who got out did so of their own initiative.

You can even make it a fun outing with co-workers & cube-mates, maybe a Friday night thing before drinks, make it a race or a scavenger hunt, whatever you want.

Well NOW you know why Bush was taken aback during 9/11. Despite all his flaws, both real and exaggerated, he was probably pretty damn shocked and disbelieving, particularly since he was with a bunch of young school children when given the “news”.

But do you already have a giant Aztec god-monster nesting up there? (Ref: Q.)

Always thought the Chrysler Building was one of the most beautiful of all skyscrapers.

It WAS on Manhatten. The lizard stole it and stuck it in her nest on Long Island to feed her lizardlings when the eggs hatch.

Oh, I can just see the headline now. “President orders support cut to single mom! ‘I’m just trying to feed my kids’, Long Island resident says”

Call in the Giant Herpetologist!!!

OTOH, the conservative headlines would read, “Wellfare queen takes over whole building, and breeds thousands of wards of the state.”