Until her agent explained, “Face it, Babe, they ain’t coming here to see your card tricks.”
A man named Boston Brand died.
Saul Erdel builds a machine that plucks a Martian police officer from the ancient past of Mars and sets him on Twentieth-Century Earth. The Martian dies of malnutrition in days due to an inability to metabolize the proteins of terrestrial organisms.
Young mutant Dinah Lance discovers the superhuman power of her larynx when she shouts at her father during an argument and creates a shockwave that throws him through a wall. Her terrified parents have her larynx surgically removed. (Yes, I know this requires her parents to be really different people.)
Fortune hunter Rex Mason is hired to loot, I mean, “retrieve,” rare Egyptian artifacts for the wealthy Simon Stagg. He smuggles the Orb of Ra out of Egypt & into Stagg’s possession, and marries Stagg’s daughter Sapphire.[sup]*[/sup]
Career bureaucrat Amanda Waller is not considered leadership material by her superiors, and supervision of Task Force X is handed to some 30-year-old whiz kid whose dad contributed a lot of money to politicians. The operation is dissolved inside three years when it turns out to have spent all its missions in places with high-end hotels, and most of its budget on prostitutes.
Career bureaucrat Amanda Waller is not considered leadership material by her superiors, and supervision of Task Force X is handed to King Faraday. They serve quietly and professionally for years. [sup]**[/sup]
Wealthy socialite Bruce Wayne, having trained for years to fight crime after vthe mugging death of his parents, ponders how to disguise his identity and is startled when his window is broken by a three-toed sloth.
Odin the All-Father, disgusted by the boastful and overbearing nature of his son Thor, considers giving him amnesia and sending him to live as a mortal on Earth with a limp so that he might learn humility, but decides that it would be better to just make him spend a couple of centuries cleaning out the latrines in Valhalla instead.
Scientist Phineas Horton creates an andrioid that can reason and act human. The first time he shows him off to others, though, exposing him to air causes him to burst into flame, making a Human Torch. Unfortunnately, the android’s body is consumed in seconds, leaving a pile of ashes and a determination by Prof. Horton to fix that bug in the biochemistry for his next attempt.
Student Victor Frankenstein finallty succeeds in creating life, a huge but (despite his efforts) ugly creature. Even though he is tired, and the creature is ugly, Victor is delighted, because he created it. He keeps him and names him “George”, and gives him a bunny.
The Voivode Dracula attends the Devil’s school, the Scholomance, to learn the Black arts. But, as he was not the tenth student chosen, he didn’t become a vampire, and ended up in an interesting corner of Hell after a lifetime of depravity.
John Carter, Civil War veteran turned Western adventurer, finds himself astrally projected to the planet Mars, where he immediately suffocates in the extremely thin atmosphere. Sometime later, the gorgeous oviparous Martian Princess Dejah Thoris, dressed only in jewels, comes across his remains and wonders who he was.
Clark Savage dies of undiagnosed melanoma.
Barry Allen, having been transformed into The Flash by a freak accident involving a lightning bolt and a rack of chemicals, has to spend every waking moment of the rest of his life consuming massive amounts of calories to keep his overactive metabolism from killing him via starvation.
And he complained that his job was “kind of butthole at times.”
*Tiny *transistors, if I recall correctly.
Dr. Solar somehow managed to trap himself inside an operating nuclear reactor, giving him the power to turn himself into all forms of energy. Unfortunately, it did not give him the power to turn himself back.
Winner! 
Disfigured meglomaniac Vincent Von Doom, with the aid of both scientific superweapons and sorcery, attempts to seize the Eastern European territory that in medieval times formed the principality of Latveria. After a tremendous five-week struggle the full mobilized might of the Soviet Union crushes the upstart, and Doom is tortured to death by the KGB.
Harvey Dent has acid thrown in his face. His wealthy friend Bruce Wayne hires the best plastic surgeon in the world, who corrects all the damage without leaving any scars.
Six castaways return from a long exile on a deserted island. originally, they were 7, but they killed and ate the skinny one in the red shirt for constantly foiling any attempts they had to escape the island.
In related news a family of space travelers finally manage to return to Earth after imprisoning and hogtying the backstabbing angry queen that kept constantly sabotaging them.
In 1940, hard boiled police detective Jim Corrigan, while investigating crime boss “Gat” Benson, was murdered by Benson and his henchmen. They placed Corrigan’s body in a barrel, filled it with cement, and dropped it in deep water. Corrigan was listed as a missing person for many years. His fate was finally revealed in 1962 during RFK’s crackdown on organized crime. One of Benson’s associates, Red “Onions” O’Shaughnessy, traded the details of Corrigan’s fate in exchange for immunity from prosecution. O’Shaughnessy was an early beneficiary of the witness protection program.
25th-century museum security guard Michael Jon Carter travels to the 20th century after stealing several items from the museum, including a Legion of Superheroes flight ring and Brainiac 5’s force-field belt. He planned to use this technology, along with his knowledge of future events to gain glory as a “super hero”. He chose the name “Booster Gold”, but before he could begin his career as a “super hero” he was taken into custody by time-traveling police and returned to the 25th century to stand trial for his thefts.
The chemicals wind up in a sewer where they cause a rat and four turtles to become ill and die.
Patrick “Eel” O’Brian becomes Plastic Man! Realizing that his flexibility is no longer encumbered by his ribcage, he spends the rest of his days getting to know himself just a little bit better.
The Super Globetrotters decide not to take on other challengers and stick to their formula of systematically dismantling the Washington Generals
After his parents are murdered, young Dick Grayson becomes the ward of secretive millionaire Bruce Wayne.
In the years that follow, no crime fighting occurs. But there are occasionally some costumes.
Lotta Plump was born to middle class parents in suburban Bonnie Dell. From an early age she was unable to control her appetite. Obesity inevitably resulted. She lost her first toes to diabetes at 16. They buried her in a piano crate two weeks before her 28th birthday.
‘I’m sorry Mr Giles. I know that helping you in the school library is important, but so is Buffy’s education. That’s why I’m sending her to the Sunnydale Catholic College where they have a strict lock-in at 6pm every night. Can’t Xander help you stack books on his own?’
Scientist Henry Pym discovers a new subatomic particle that he labels “Pym Particles.” Deciding to test the particles on himself, Pym reduces his size to that of an ant. At this size, his skull no longer has the capacity to hold a brain with enough neurons to support human intelligence and Pym is never able to regain his former size.