I live in an old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere in central Illinois (redundant, I know). Since my nearest neighbor is a mile away, I think nothing of, uh, relieving myself (#1 here only) outside. There is a spot just to the side of the back porch that I have graced quite often in the past. It had become quite barren of any vegetation including weeds (weed control was my excuse should I ever get caught by the squidwife). It was barren, that is, until this spring when the squidwife decided that that spot might be just wonderful for a few tomato plants. I tried to convince her that nothing would grow there. I even went so far as to say that the dogs had been spotted urinating there. She was undaunted. She planted six little cherry tomato plants in my now former lavoratory.
These cute little tomato plants are now over 7 feet tall. I’ve already picked about 4 dozen fruit of them and there is at least 50 fruit and more than that many flowers on each plant. I’ve grown a lot of tomatoes in my life, and I’ve never seen plants so big and prolific as these.
It makes me wonder. Is it the plants? Is it my urine? Did all those years in nuclear power do something to me that I’m producing super tomato fertalizer? Should I bottle it and sell it? Where? E-Bay? Should I tell the squidwife before she feeds too many to the kids? Should I kill the plants? Can I kill the plants? Sometimes, late at night, I can hear them growing. Oh god, I’m so scared.