Yikes. I was raised Methodist, and what you describe is pretty much the OPPOSITE of how my church raised me. So unless there 's something particular and stepford-like to that church, I don’t think it’s the Methodism. (That said, there are some scarily fundamentalistish Methodists out there. I can’t believe it’s the same denomination.)
Anyhow… what I really wanted to say, is that most of us have a friend or friends who are otherwise reasonably intelligent people, yet who have this amazing capacity to do unthinkably stupid, stupid, stupid things. They do them willingly, and fully under the impression that the choice they are making is the choice that they want.
It’s heartbreaking, watching someone you care about spiking their own driveway with landmines. Alas, there’s little you can do and the stress you’re causing yourself isn’t such a good thing.
For my relationship with my friend who is in the final stages of cementing himself into a situation that is doomed, I decided that the only thing I can do is maintain distance, keep vaguely in touch, and try not to be too much of an I told you so bastard if/when things do fall apart, just be ready to pick up the pieces.
I here ya Sillydog!
My best friend of 16 years, did the same thing yet not so calmly. She is 100% mind-controlled Christian to the core, (I say that only because I’m angry) we both spend many years discovering our Faith together… including getting VERY far away from what we knew to be the actions of a ‘good sound Christain’ (i.e alcohol, men, drugs etc), only to find ourselves back in the loving arms of the Lord…(small amount of sarcasm there) . We were close! And there is no doubt that there was a little twinge on her side to get some lovin’ from the female persuasion…never said just my thoughts.
To cut a long story short, we were friends for life, almost sisters… untill I told her I was Gay and with a woman.
BAM! That’s when it all ended.
Until I give up my sinful life I will never be considered her friend.
She is going to heaven and I’m going to Hell.
16 years of friendship gone. All because of her faith… she cannot be unequally yoked with me.
Man I’m pissed off as this only happened about 6 months ago.
I thought Jesus did the judging not her. Self righteous pain in the arse!
Sorry Sillydog… I guess I’m saying I understand your confusion. Did Jesus only hang with the other Christians?
All I can say is let it go, that’s what I’m trying to do.
SillyDog, you have to respect your friend’s choices regardless of whether you agree with them or even understand them. If she is in a controlling or abusive relationship you can’t do anything about it. She is an adult and is choosing to be there and won’t appreciate you trying to tell her anything is wrong with her life or marriage. She will feel obligated to defend herself and get rid of you from her life. If you want to continue to contact her periodically with birthday/Christmas cards, e-mails to say hi. or whatever, I am sure she would be happy to hear from you. That would also allow you to be there for her if she needs to ask for help.
It is sad when friends grow apart but go out and make some new ones. You can’t have too many friends.
Yuck! I know your pain, SillyDog! If Jesus only befriended believers, He’d have been friendless and without followers too! But - no point in pointing this out to the blinded by the dark!
Listen, sweety…all of the persons above are in your corner! The dern truth of life is - we cannot force people to love, like, or stay true to us. If signs are showing that someone is squinching to even behave friendly toward us - Let It Be!!!
Leave your door there with a ringer, and go find humanity who will bless you with a trusted friend, someone who will not stipulate wo you what you must “believe” to fit into her/his life. If she wants to re-connect, then you can decide to open the door.
Sometimes we humans forget to realize that our own self-worth is NOT contingent on another persons opinions or feelings about us.
For you to even be concerned or bewildered about this - shows you are a considerate soul. Mat God bless you with a likewise friend as yourself.
Take Heart in this!
Heart On My Sleeve, I have to agree with Kalhoun here…I see your point, but it would be a lot more damaging for a friend of yours to tell you, “You know, I just don’t think we have anything in common these days, and I’m really not interested in being your friend anymore, so can you please stop calling me?” than for the friendship to die a natural death. Friends who drift apart, don’t call each other as often, don’t really stay in touch, etc., usually leave the friendship eventually with no hard feelings on either side. Everybody knows that not all friendships, no matter how intense, will withstand the test of time.
I heard/read somewhere that the average lifespan of a friendship is five years. Within that time, most people will have gotten married/gotten divorced/had kids/changed jobs/moved away…whatever…and it takes unusually good friends to withstand so many life changes.
For the friendships that didn’t make the cut, I don’t see anything wrong with letting them die naturally, vs. really hurting someone’s feelings by telling them “I don’t want to be friends anymore.”
As for the OP…I agree with the idea of keeping in touch via holiday cards and occasional emails, if you really care about her, because she may need the few friends she has left if this marriage of hers doesn’t work out. Sometimes it takes years for people to “wake up” and realize that what they thought they wanted is not what makes them happy. But I wouldn’t probe any further at this point into why she’s behaving the way she is; you’ll just alienate her further and I doubt you’ll get any real answers.
I think that letting a (former) friend call someone for “many, many years”, thinking that there is a friendship there is not “letting a friendship die naturally”. More like stabbing it continuously until it stops breathing. Or neglecting it by not giving it food until it starves to death.
I agree that there are some friendships that die naturally…that’s when both parties stop calling each other…like maybe they graduate from college or whatever. But if one person still feels that there is a friendship there, and the other doesn’t, it’s not going to die naturally. Someone will probably get hurt…and that’s ok, because people recover. At least they won’t have to think about what they did wrong, or worry that their friend is not doing so well (as the OP is doing).
Maybe it would be more of a pain for the person breaking it off than the person on the receiving end? I know I’d rather get my heart broken than knowingly break someone else’s.
Thanks again, everyone. Your stories and comments have helped.
I haven’t heard back from D since my reply to her asking my me to be her Christian friend. I’m sure I will at some point. Unless she says something completely unexpected, I don’t think it will change things much.
I’ve decided to leave things be. I’ve asked her in the past about her happiness with her marriage. I don’t feel that I can push any further on that because if she says she’s happy, nothing I do will have any effect other than to make her defensive. And it’s patronizing to keep asking, “But are you sure?” I’ve decided to keep in contact with the whole occaissional cards & maybe a quick email or two. But I think the close friendship we had has run its course, at least for now, maybe forever.
It’s sad, but I’m ok with that. You all have helped me think & feel this through and I’ve realized I’ve done everything I could to help, to salvage, to whatever… I’ll be there for her if she needs help, but I’m tired of hearing that something about me isn’t good enough for her. Even if that sentiment is coming from her husband originally, she’s made it her own now, and I don’t need to put up with it. I’ve taken that for too long and if I take it much longer, I’ll loose myself in the process. Even a friendship of 15 years is not worth that.
For the past several weeks I’ve been experiencing something that looks like the beginnings of a type of rheumatoid arthritis. (I go to a rheumatologist on Thursday to start the process of figuring out what it really is and how to treat it.) I’ve been feeling guilty that maybe I was making the final decision to leave this friendship because of the pain & exhaustion I’ve been experiencing – that I was just at my wits end with my body & wasn’t tolerating other things as well as I ought. I’ve been thinking that maybe if I were well I would find some thing more to do… Now I see that I’ve done what I could, and it’s ok to leave it be.
Hmm, Gato, I’m not religious at all (I have no faith in the existence of God and I certainly don’t belong to a church or follow any organized religion).
However, I watch almost no television at all (I refuse to spend money for TV and my reception is so lousy I’d need at least basic cable to improve it). The only TV I care to watch these days is the news in the morning on workdays while I have my coffee, and that almost entirely to get the weather forecasts. So for about 20-25 mins on workday mornings I put up with the nearly unwatchable reception rather than get cable. Also I lost most of my taste for listening to music close to ten years ago (mainstream music, 20 years ago.).
I merely enjoy my peace and quiet and don’t care to clutter it up with the noise of TV and most music. I’d rather spend my time alone reading, writing, emailing and perusing the Internet rather than sitting in front of the boob tube draining my brains (or, in the case of better shows, still getting them “washed” by marketers – I don’t have cable but I’ve seen at my friends’ house that even some of the good stations like History/Discovery Channels have commercials). When I take long drives, I sometimes play music in my car (primarily non-mainstream, mostly 70s and mid-80s electronic), and when I’m with my boyfriend, I’d rather talk (and do other things hee hee) with him than be glued to the TV. We do watch movies on my VCR or DVD player sometimes (or taped Star Trek episodes from my collection – that’s the only TV series that ever really held my interest, and I fast-forward the commercials!), but that’s not the the primary way we spend our time.
Point Of This: Just because someone isn’t like everyone else – and doesn’t care to follow the mainstream doesn’t mean they’ve necessarily “left the building.”