Ever been tempted to call a phone psychic? Well don’t. Especially not in Seattle. My friend is a telephone psychic there.
This is the girl who, while in college, had the used car she had just bought blow a cylinder while driving home from the lot. The same girl who’s fiancée not only left her, not only leave her for another man, but left her for her OTHER former boyfriend. This is the same girl who quit her franchise-sales job at the then unknown Starbucks Coffee because “It was going nowhere, I mean really, coffee?”. Should she really be giving advice to anyone except as first hand examples of things NOT to do?
So anyway, she supplements her painting career with a somewhat marginal coffee shop job and with telephone psychic work. Poor misguided folks call up, somebody somewhere gets a credit card number, and they get transferred to her. She tells them she is a “Clairvoyant” (ha!) asks for their “Starsign” (?!?) and proceeds to give a bunch of really vague predictions, “I see somebody ill in your family” or “I see you have just broken up a relationship” etc. Well, after a few (more than a few, actually) glasses of wine she decided it would be fun to let me have a go. My first customer was an elderly woman.
“Hello, I’m Doctor Cromulence. How may I serve you?”
(Loud television in background.)
“Who?”
“Doctor Cromulence, master of forbidden arts. I am here to guide you.”
“Your not a devil worshipper, are you.”
“No, I got a degree in Liberal and Forbidden Arts at Cambridge (sound of fire alarm or oven buzzer in background) Hey, your cookies are burning”
“What?”
“Your cookies are burning!!”
“Oh, my nutbread!”
(Extended wait, sound of oven opening, clanking. I’m wiping tears from my eyes and trying to compose myself.)
“Wow, that was amazing! How did you do that?”
“Cromulence sees all. And I Doctor Cromulence see that if you don’t start wearing your hearing aids your going to get hit by a bus.”
“That’s right! I don’t wear them because the batteries run down so fast!”
“I see you crossing an intersection, slowly, because of your hip, and you get hit by a school bus you didn’t heard coming.”
“They just drive so crazy these days.”
“Yes, they do. So wear your hearing aids and you’ll be fine. (sound of “Young and the Restless” in background) Hey, your stories are starting.”
“Oh, thank you! Your very good at this.”
“Thanks.”
So anyway, keep grandma away from the four-dollar-per minute phone psychics because very few of them have the mystical psychic power nessasary to prevent needless bus accidents or rescue your nutbread.