I have a problem with my daughter, and don’t know what to do about it. She is 4 1/2 now, but ever since she was teensy, she loves to scratch my upper arm. She doesn’t do it meanly or anything like that, it’s just a comfort thing. It started when she was nursing, and her hand would reach up and start rubbing my arm. At one point I had to start wearing band-aids on both arms, because she was scratching moles until they bled. She is still doing scratching me. When she gets sleepy, it gets really bad.
I don’t even think she notices it either. My husband, who just got back from a military duty since October, so hasn’t seen us much lately, was amazed to watch her the other night. She was sitting a bit in front of me on the bed, watching TV. Every so often, without taking her eyes off the tv or anything, she’d lean back, scratch up and down my arm a second, and lean back forward. Totally unconsciously!
I have no idea how to make her stop. I tell her not to any time she does. I move her hand, trap her hand, smack her hand. Has anybody ever had a problem like this? Does anyone have any idea how to combat it? She’s pretty normal otherwise, no other OCD-like behaviors or repetitive things. I’m about to turn to huge bandages on my arm, just to get her to stop! And I know it will get worse with the turn in the weather, because now she won’t have to try to stick her hand up long sleeves.
My daughter (not quite 4) has a similar thing, except her body part of choice is my bellybutton. Seriously. She also picks at her own bellybutton. Weird, no? Like your daughter, it started while nursing, and is now just a comfort thing, especially when she’s tired. She’ll crawl in my lap and say she needs some “belly hugs.”
Mostly, I just tell her she needs to be gentle. I figure she’ll outgrow it someday…
My daughter has always had a thing about grabbing my ear and twisting it back and forth (or my wife’s ear, or both of ours at the same time), and yes, especially when she’s sleepy. If it bothers me I just tell her to knock it off.
(ETA: She’s four, by the way. If she were 18 that would be a bit more strange)
Sounds like it’s time to trim her nails and get her used to the ole’ emery board.
If I can trim my cat’s claws I’m sure you can trim your little girl’s nails! Make it a fun activity (I don’t know if they make “kid safe” nail polish or glitter or something like that for 4 year olds) and she might get into it.
Right now, she has no reason to stop this behavior. You need to make it unrewarding for her. When she scratches you, EVERY time she scratches you, have her go sit in the corner for just a couple of minutes. Make sure that she faces the corner and can’t see the TV or anything else interesting. Get a three minute egg timer, and use it. She will have a hard time adjusting to this, because it’s a comforting behavior for her, but you really do need to make it unrewarding for her.
This is going to be hard on you, too. You need to be consistent in refusing to allow the behavior to continue, no matter if it interrupts your happy time, no matter if you are watching a TV show that you’re very interested in. She’s going to whine and quite possibly cry and even throw tantrums, because she can’t comfort herself without doing this behavior. But it really has gone on for much too long.
I wouldn’t punish the tyke, like that, seems unwarranted for the behavior which is a habit and ingrained. Reserve the timeouts for naughty behavior.
But this is a new one to me, kids using their parents has scratching, twisting or pokey posts. i dunno, try to catch her before she scratches, look her in the eye and tell her no more repeat ad nauseum. Is the scratching a sleepy sign, maybe she needs to get to bed sooner or something?
Actually, I’d probably wean her off the habit instead of making a sudden change (which could be a bit traumatic if this is a comfort thing).
I’d start by explaining to her that you know she doesn’t mean to, but it makes your arms hurt, and she’s going to have to learn to stop. She’s well old enough to understand that.
Then tell her that for NOW but not always, she can pat your arm, but no more scratching. Then yelp loudly every time she scratches.
This may be enough to break the habit, but if not, then once she’s got the scratching changed to patting, move it to a different part of your body - your foot or knee, maybe. Remind her about need to stop this behavior, and start the yelping again.
If she still keeps it up, after a while, move her to another object entirely. The couch or a stuffed toy or something. But really, I suspect she’ll drop the habit earlier.
Unintentionally inuring your parent until they bleed strikes me as behavior that calls for modification. Habits or “comfort” behavior should not include injuring others. Behavior modification is not punishment, although it might include negative consequences.
Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently. relentlessly. Without variance. I’m running out of synonyms. If you permit the behavior to continue occasionally, you’ll be back to square one, in fact you are reinforcing the behavior MORE than if you simply allowed it all the time. All mammals conform their behavior most strongly to occasional rewards.
This is a good idea, much better than yanking the child into the corner and threatening her with negative consequences for doing something that has brought her comfort her whole life.
It’s about teaching the child a better way, reinforcing new behavior with gentle but firm guidance.
Does the behavior change if you are wearing sleeves? Some kind of textured sweater or jacket might be enough of a different feel to help her break the habit.
Thank you guys for all the posts! It makes me feel a lot better to hear that other parents have dealt with similar things! The belly button thing cracked me up. I do remember her doing it during nursing, but she gave that up early.
And no, long sleeves don’t help. She will try to get her hand up inside the sleeves, even when they are tight or I have multiple shirts/jackets/whatever on.
I’m starting with the weaning idea. I’ve been telling her to stop as soon as she touches me, even before it can turn into a scratch. I tell her how badly she’s hurting me. Sometimes we will turn it into hand holding, so she still gets that touch. Hopefully this will work, because I hate to turn it into time-outs or worse, but I will if it doesn’t stop soon.
Just gotta work on the perfect consistency, the downfall of many a parent. I really think there are times that I’ve gotten so used to her doing it, I don’t even notice anymore until it starts to get annoying. I do a pretty good job of keeping her nails cut almost to the quick, so it doesn’t really hurt so much as just annoying rubbing in the same spot over and over!