My Diabolical Wake-Up Call

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a problem, and I’ve had it all my life. I can’t get up in the mornings.

No, really, stop laughing. This is really a problem. I’ve gone to doctors and psychologists, but they’re not interested. I’ve nearly lost jobs and failed out of school. I’ve tried everything from popping No-Doze a few hours before I have to wake up to pouring water on myself to having friends call and to setting my stereo up as an alarm clock and keeping the controls on the other side of the room. And a hundred other things.

No matter what I do, it appears that a mild form of sleep-walking kicks in and I dismantle whatever alarm system I’ve set up and go right back to sleep. “Just do it” works for Tiger Woods, but not for me. The only way I can guarantee that I will show up when I have to is to not sleep at all, which I must do at least once every two weeks. Motivation, by the way, is not much of a problem. I love my job once I get there.

I quit drinking a few months back, so I really have no habitual excuses left. My own opinion is that this is a problem that goes beyond mere psychology, but really, I don’t care anymore and neither does anyone else. I just want to get to work on time.

So, there’s nothing left to turn to except… extreme measures.

I want to create a timed device which straps to my leg and will not come off at night. I want it to deliver an electrical shock painful enough to jerk me into complete wakefulness before I can disarm it, but not so powerful that it causes injury or a heart attack. I need information on how to safely and properly wire a battery operated alarm clock so that it achieves this goal, and I need to know what is considered safe in the way of electrocution.

I’m posting this in IMHO because in addition to help in creating my device, I would like to see how other people get their asses out of bed in the morning, in the hope that there is something out there I have not yet tried. Furthermore, such a question is a virtual invitation to be told I am a lazy, no good slacker who should have his head checked. That’s a valid opinion, and you are welcome to debate my sanity.

2

Well, I use my two-year old. Bet you haven’t tried that. He doesn’t have an off button, and, believe me I’d be tempted to use it if he did.

Seriously, what does it for me is routine, routine, routine. Get up at the same time everyday, including weekends and holidays.

3

I have a cat that steps on my face every morning one minute before my alarm goes off, which lately has been pretty darn early (4:35 am). I don’t know how she does it, but every time.

Cat sleeping outside? In that case, my alarm clock has two alarms - one that is the standard tone “beep, beep, beep” and another that is an eardrum-perforating tone “Shriek! Shriek! Shreik!” I set the normal for early, the godawful for late. This motivates me to get up at the early.

Another thing you might try: rig up your overhead light on a timer, so it comes on the same time as the alarm. Drink a lot of water before you go to bed, so when you get up to turn off the light, your bladder will say, “Whoa, hello!”, and you have to go take a pee right then. While it’s handy, and since you’re up anyway, jump in a nice hot shower. Lay towels/ accoutrements out the night before so you’re not fumbling for bath stuff first thing in the morning.

4

Have you been to a sleep specialist or had a sleep study? If not, I’d recommend you consider that.

Qadgop, MD

5

You lazy, no good slacker.

I had a similar problem. My solution was to purchase several alarm clocks (at least five) and set them to go off in five minute intervals. Say you want to be out of bed at 7 am – set one for 6:30, another for 6:35, and so on. Place them around your room and apartment/house as necessary. Raise the volume. Vary the locations you put them in. Invite friends to a game of “hide the alarm”.

Getting out of bed and sleepily turning off one alarm is one thing, but getting out of bed every five minutes for half an hour or more woke me up pretty well.

6

Try sleeping on the floor. Disassemble your bed (give your mattress to someone if you need to), and sleep on the floor. I think you would be less inclined to go back to uncomfortableness.

Or sleep in the tub. When the alarm goes off, throw the blankets out and turn on the water.

7

Have you considered going to bed as you finish your work day? Then, instead of having to get up an hour or so before you had to leave, you’d be getting up four or five hours beforehand. You’d have more time in case you drastically overslept.

If you try that and STILL find yourself sleeping and almost missing work…you really, really need to see a doctor. You might have narcolepsy, and that IS treatable, and you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

Corr

8

This might sound sort of inane, but have you thought of drinking a large glass, or glasses, of water before you go to sleep? It will force you to get out of bed at some point to use the bathroom.

9

You a coffee drinker, Sofa? Try putting your alarm clock in the kitchen, and get a timer for your coffee maker. By the time you stagger into the kitchen to shut off the alarm, you’ll be able to pour yourself a hot cup.

I used a buzzer alarm for years, and hated it. You get that horrible noise violently jerking you out of a nice dream, what else can you do but frantically turn it off? A person just can’t come awake up that fast, it takes more time. So you go back to sleep.

I got myself a clock radio. I keep it set for about twenty minutes earlier than I want to get up. The music is just loud enough wake but not startle the hell outta me, and I just doze off and on for a while. By the time the news comes on, I’m able to heave myself out of bed.

Good luck. Getting out of bed in the morning sucks.

10

Sofa, I’m in pretty much the same boat. I’m working on a plan to change careers to something that lets me set my own schedule.

I only need to sleep about 5 hours a night on average, but it seems that the morning is when I must sleep. Early morning types frown on this - and most office jobs won’t allow it.

Let me know when you get your AM cattle prod up and working. I’ll volunteer for the Beta test group.

[sub]My hair looks funny today because I overslept and couldn’t shower.[/sub]

11

It doesn’t look like anyone’s mentioned the device so far, so here’s my opinion on it -

I wouldn’t make an electric shock device like that. I’m not a doctor, but I think repeated shocks are generally to be avoided. And the level you want might be difficult to determine. A level that would jolt you awake would be too much to handle if you did it every day, plus you have the risk of a more serious injury if you have a cut or your body chemistry fluctuates. A safer level would not only probably not wake you consistently, but would be slightly damaging a tiny part of your leg.

Suppose that instead of electricity, you had a tiny pin that pricked you every morning (and if you really wanted something like this, I’d go with that over the shock treatment). Consider if you’d really want to have your skin attacked like that on a daily basis.
As for other solutions, LNO’s makes the second time I’ve heard of using multiple alarm clocks for this problem. I knew someone who needed at least five as well, all around his room.

12

I saw a guy on TV once who made his own alarm clock. Basically it was a golf ball launcher attached to a clock, and when the alarm went off it launched the golf ball out his bedroom door and down the stairs. The alarm could only be shut off if the golf ball was placed back into the launcher.

13

Make your alarm unable to turn off. I doubt electroshock would wake you up better than an alarm. If you simply get an alarm that goes on and on for about 30 minutes with you unable to turn it off should wake you up.

14

I currently have 4 alarm clocks in my apartment. One in the bedroom, 1 in the kitchen, one in the living room and the last in the bathroom. By the time I get them all turned off, I’m awake. Plus, my coffeepot has a timer and I have fresh coffee waiting for me once they are off, and the tv kicks on about 15 minutes before I get up, so I have that noise as well.

I hate waking up.

15

I had a college room mate with this problem. He had an alarm that sounded like it came off a construction vehical. You know the backing up warning beep. That’s how loud it was. His solution was to have me come and say
GOD DAMN IT CLYDE GET YOUR ASS OUT OF YOU LAZY #@)!)(*$

all this while jumping on him.

so I guess you could move in with me if your name is Clyde.

16

Hee hee, that’s what I do. Of course, I work overnight…

17

o… well, i suppose i have the most effective wakeup of all… every morning, my dad drags me out the bed and into the bathroom. :slight_smile: he means well, i guess… lucky for me, he’s my dad, and doesn’t mind how i scratch and bite. 0:-)

18

I had the same problem and this was my solution. I set up my computer to play loud music when I want to get up. And have other alarms go off at the same time. It takes so much work and effort to shut them all off that by the time I do I’m awake enough to know better.

There was nothing quite as freaky as setting your alarm clock. Knowing that you set it properly. And then waking up 6 hours after it was supposed to go off with no memory whatsoever of it going off.

19

If you don’t already have a nice set of external speakers for your computer, hook some up; or run the sound-out into your stereo amp as “auxiliary”.

Download this file and set your computer to play it at maximum volume at the time you want to get up.

After the fire department scrapes you from your bedroom ceilling and the doctor has your heartbeat down below 120/min, you should be good to go for the rest of the day.

20

Or you could make a habit of sleeping with incredibly ugly people. Nothing makes you get out of bed quicker than realizing you just had sex with an ugly person.