…wear a nametag
…wear an apron
…crouch down to the floor to unlock the front door
…stand on my feet for 8 solid hours
…only have 30 minutes for lunch
…sell, sell, sell!
…try to win prizes in silly contests that involve singing jingles into the phone
…live in fear of the “Secret Shopper”
…obsess over goals
What won’t your Dream Job entail?
… won’t make me show a pass to a security guard or make me walk past a security guard to get to my office or make me swipe a security card or restrict or monitor my comings and goings from the office at any time.
…work with a loud obnoxious idiot who couldn’t find his ass with both hands, a map and a flashlight.
…share a printer or fax with above-listed idiot. “Did I see a fax? Nothing could have been important because nothing was addressed to me. Oh that fax? Because it wasn’t important I recycled it. It’s very important to recycle. I force the people to recycle, but you wouldn’t understand that because you have internal genitalia.” Grrrrrr.
I will never, ever get wet from my labors.
I will have a chance for merit raises & promotions.
I will work in a nicer building.
I will have a sense of accomplishment.
My dream job will not make me listen to Charlotte Church whilst I work.
My dream job will not involve Pimms in any shape or form.
My dream job will not include curtseying, either to English royalty or Dubai royalty.
My dream job will not make me serve Charlotte Church alcopops.
won’t make me right a self-evaluation
wear a suit, not wear flip-flops, or in fact care at all how I’m dressed unless there are safety issues with certain types of clothing
not have a flexible schedule
Allow me to work from home. On my schedule.
Buy me the tools I need to do the project now, not “in the next budget cycle”, which starts 1 day after the project is due.
… will send big pay cheques every month but not expect me to turn up or do anything
…wear clothes, shave, or work on a Windows box.
…stand behind a cash. Ever, ever again.
I can’t believe it took NINE posts to get to this. See, this was my first thought.
My dream job will pay really big, and I’ll never have to do any actual “work”.
Apart from that, if I have to work, I would like to just once work only for people who are demonstrably much smarter than I am. It would make me feel like the relationship was at least more fair.
My dream job will not…
Make me ask “How may I help you?” twice a minute.
Require any form of name tag.
Make me work Friday night, Saturday morning or Sunday night.
Involve carving meat of any form.
Make me do the cleaning up after we close.
Keep me on my feet for hours on end.
Preclude my having a personal life.