My experiences in the 'Nam

Cafe Society
1

Alright, I was actually born at the very end of the Viet Nam war so I wouldn’t have served. If I had, this is what popular movie culture has told me it would have been like:

Boot Camp:

  • All drill instructors are R Lee Ermey

  • Someone is going to flake out in boot camp

  • I will probably receive an unflatering nickname like “Shit-ass” or something

  • Me and all my buddies - a flakey hippy-type, a military family guy, a wise-ass Italian from Brooklyn, a big black guy named Washington, and some corn-pone hick will all be united again once we get to the Nam.
    In the Bush:

  • Some green-ass Fuckin New Guy will get killed by some punji sticks or an obvious booby trap his first day out (what’s this teddy bear doing lying hear on the Ho Chi Minh traBOOOM!!!)

-Some other guy will step on a landmine, arming it. The mine will only explode once his foot is removed so he’ll have to stand there for hours

  • I’m probably going to get a non fatal, non debilitating wound pretty early on and be back in the field in no time (or be crippled for life like Tom Cruise in that Oliver Stone film)

  • Someone is going to get wounded by a sniper, there will be no tanks, aircraft or artillery support available and half the platoon will get wiped out trying to rescue him (instead of killing the sniper first)
    Back at the firebase:

  • Someone in the platoon will develop a drug problem

  • Everyone will probably want to frag the lieutenant. Someone actually might

  • The company captain will be an apathetic boob

  • Anyone above the rank of captain will also be a gung-ho jackass with their head up their ass

  • Everyone will love the wise old sgt with three tours under his belt

  • Days will be spent digging foxholes and burning latrine buckets while listening to Hanoi Hanah

  • Evenings will be spent smoking dope, playing cards and listening to Mo-Town

  • At some point we will be overrun by “gooks” and we’ll have to call an airstrike on our own position

  • Some “short timer” will buy it in an ironic way
    In Country R&R:

  • My favorite bar will be blown up by VC

  • I’ll need to find a ho to call my own

  • Bring Hawaiian shirts. This seems to have been standard R&R gear for every war from WWII onward

  • I should be able to find a black market drug ring shipping contraband back to the States in bodybags

  • We’ll probably get into a fight with those jerks from the Air Cav/Marines/Air Force or whatever service we are rivals with

2

Hummmmmmm…I went to school with a guy named Nam. Biggest blow-hard jerk I ever met. Real cement-head. God, I hated him. Last I heard he worked in a liquer store or something. Hope I never have to see his ugly, moony face ever again.

Of course I was NEVER actually “in” him…

Damn! I have forgotten to not become drunken again!

3

Read “The Thirteenth Valley”, “A Bright Shining Lie” and “Sand in the Wind”. You will have a clearer idea of the realities.

4

Things were never the same after Gomer Pyle came back from the 'Nam with a string of gook ears in his pocket and “Born to Fuck Y’all Up” tatooed on his chest…

5

My only experience was sitting in my mom’s kitchen at eight yeard old listening to Huntley / Brinkley on NBC as they would list, a the top of every show, the number of allied and VC killed, wounded and missing for the day. I remember going for years listening to this not realizing that when they said “troops” they really meant “men”

I think the years from 1961 to 1975 really scarred a generation or two - not to mention the men and women who were actually old enough to have served…

6

Just remember: don’t show your buddies pictures of your kids or your wife/girlfriend. That’s a sure ticket to sniper-town.

Also, don’t talk about what you’ll do after the war. Same reason.

7

You will be forced to kill a woman or child.

You will meet a crazy machinegunner and a quiet sniper.

8

And those jerks over at 'intel will give you outdated information on where the safe roads are.

The politicians will give you rules of engagement that make no sense. (Well, that one’s true)

No one wears a flak jacket, and often not even a helmet.

No one ever got stationed in West Germany or South Korea during the war.

9

You will have to make up an astronomical enemy casuality figure to satisfy the ego of a “gung-ho jackass” officer back at base. You will intentionally come up with a number so high so one will believe it, but they do. You may get put in for a medal as a result.

Your platoon will discover a large tunnel complex under a village during your first patrol in the bush.

You will be ambushed by the VC at least once while listening to a Rolling Stones or Jimi Hendrix song.

While on R&R, one of your buddies will order “a round of tiger piss.”

10

You will have been sent overseas despite the fact that the President promised to never send American soilders to do the fighting the Vietnamese should have been doing themselves (had they been so inclined).

With all the similar talk in the air I can’t help but feel that in about 20 years they’ll be making movies about a similar war in Iraq.

11

Hey why don’t you and TVGuy take it over to Great Debates or something. The topic here is Vietnam war movie cliches, not American foreign policy. This is ‘Cafe Society’. Love it or Leave it, man!

I’m still a little pissed because some jive-ass LT didn’t count that water buffalo I shot with my '60 as a “kill”.
Ranchoth
“And those jerks over at 'intel will give you outdated information on where the safe roads are.”

Damn straight brotha! Those REMFs back at battalion told us that village was friendly! Next thing I know I’ve the biggest part of “Mad Dog” Johnson we can find could fit in a Zip-Lock! He was 2 weeks short man!

12

  • On your first day out, you will have a leech burned off your back by a superior officer’s cigar.

  • After smoking a powerful joint you will freak out.

  • You will fail to understand the ways of the South Vietnamese translator you have to take along with you.

  • A captured VC will spit in your face.

  • His head will make a nice souvenir.

  • You will have to listen to Robin Williams banging on incessantly over the radio.

13

Everyone in your platoon but you will want to rape a pretty young gook.

You’re the only one you know who can see the senslessness of the whole mission.

14

Oh, and you’ll befriend and stick up for the really dumb, scared guy just to see him killed before the end of your tour.

15

I was really surprised when that nice Vietnamese kid who lost his arm in a B-52 strike turned out to be VC.

16

You will paint a peace slogan on your helmet, that will bob ironically above your head as you gun down women and children in slo-mo.

17

My attractive sister will hate me, since she’s back home being a dirty smelly hippy.

18

Drive on, it don’t mean nothin’.

19

Just got a tape from home, which means either my girlfriend is breaking up with me to date a dirty, smelly hippy or that I’m about to get killed by a sniper while I listen to it.

There ain’t any better tune to have a post-stress flashback to than ‘Adagio For Strings’ from ‘Platoon’.
And the highest ranking officer you will meet will always be Capt. Dale Dye, USMC - You might not recognize the name (I had to look it up on IMDB) but this guy has served in every theater of battle from Vietnam to Klendathu (the Bug planet in Starship Troopers).

20

You will meet at least one charming, educated, and witty enemy officer.

If you end up in a hospital you will have a conversation with one guy who is in for a comicly trivial injury.

When you arrive home either everyone you have ever known will be there to meet you, Or no one will be there and you will have to take a long dramatic walk or cab ride home.

There will most likely be one enemy soldier who you encounter long enough to get a good look at his face, and then will randomly encounter again in a far removed situation, either during the war or after.