My first (very, very long) pit vent

First the background to the vent:
As many of you know, my husband is in the Navy. He is stationed aboard the USS Nimitz, an aircraft carrier that has been undergoing a lengthy refueling and retrofitting here in Newport News, VA. The ship’s new homeport is going to be San Diego, and the ship was scheduled to leave 9/21 to head around South America with port calls in 3 South American ports. Because Kevin is retiring in March, we planned for him to go with the ship to San Diego, and stay there alone until his retirement. The kids and I will stay here in Virginia. This is about a 6 month separation – nothing unusual for a sailor’s family. Still, we weren’t looking forward to it, and experience has taught me that the last two weeks before a lengthy separation are almost worse than the separation itself. And, as you all know, the events of 9/11 came right in the middle of that 2 week pre-deployment period. So, in addition to the ghastly national mourning we’ve all shared, my family and I faced an uncertainty about our future plans. It finally fell out that the Nimitz will be deploying to San Diego on 9/21 as planned, but that Kevin wouldn’t be going with the ship, but would fly out the day after – today – and head for the first port call to make sure the security will meet the increased requirements of the world post-9/11.

So, yesterday, I went to school and Kevin went to work – he planned to see the ship off, make sure the pier was squared away and then come home to finish up the last things that needed to be done before his flight today. I should also mention that, until 2 weeks ago Kevin always carried our cell-phone – I never had anything to do with it. Then, the ship gave him a different phone and required that he carry that one instead. So, Kevin passed our phone on to me. I was heading for my last class of the day (Government 101), where, BTW, an exam was scheduled, I decided to call home and see if Kevin was there yet. As I turned the phone on, I did something to it that made the voice-mail option come up, so I listened to the saved messages. The first message was from “Michelle” (names have been changed to protect the skanky), who started “Hi, Kevin,” and went on to say that she was alone in a hotel room and that hotel rooms made her “lonely for “him” also “horny, and [she] wished [he] was there and naked.” I was shocked, of course, also panicky and furious. Obviously, taking my Government exam was out of the question. I headed for the van, trying to call home as I went. There was no answer. Then, I tried to find the message again, but couldn’t figure out which button I’d pressed the first time.

When I got home, the kids were home from school, but no sign of Kevin. I spoke pleasantly to the kids, but went straight to my room, pleading homework. There, I had a bit of a freakout. I bounced from an extreme desire to hurt Kevin bad, to a forlorn hope that there was some mistake. He’d never given me any cause to doubt him – he’s always either at home or on the ship, and I see all the credit card bills, so I know he isn’t paying for any suspicious hotel rooms or presents. On the other hand, I couldn’t figure out where the mistake could be – Michelle had used his name, and dialed his phone, and it’s pretty difficult to misconstrue words like “horny” and “naked.” Then I switched to a pathetic worry that Kevin was in love with this girl, and wanted to be with her instead of me. It was, not to put too fine a point on it, a sad, sad couple of hours.

Finally, Kevin came home. I blurted out “Who the hell is Michelle?” and watched carefully for his reaction – I’ve been reading the guy like a book for 16 years. He didn’t look at all guilty or nervous, just surprised. So, I burst into girlie tears and blurted out the whole sorry mess. Turns out, Michelle is a girl that he met in Daytona Beach in March. He was there with some friends for Bike Week. They met Michelle and her friends at several different bars throughout the week. The girls invited the guys over to their hotel room several times, but they never went. Kevin had actually told me about this when he came home in March, but he hadn’t told me that Michelle bragged about her hobby of leaving sexy messages on guy’s answering machines in order to “worry their wives.” Kevin’s friend, Ron, had given her Kevin’s cell phone number and she called and left the message. The guys saved the message and would play it back as a joke at their campsite. And, Kevin, being the brilliant conspirator that he is, forgot all about it!

Kevin insisted that I call his friend Dean, who corroborated his story. Also, the phone message was an old saved one from March. And, as I mentioned before, his schedule really isn’t such that an affair would be easy to fit in. So, I believe him. However, I’m still looking for someone to be mad at – someone needs to pay for those two hellish hours in my bedroom before Kevin came home, not to mention the missed exam that I’ll have to jump through numerous hoops to be able to make up – if I’m even allowed to make it up at all. So, here (at long last) is my rant:

Skanky Michele,
You unspeakable bitch. You like to “worry wives,” do you? Well, let this wife worry you. Next time Kevin goes to Daytona, I’m coming with him. You’d better hope that he doesn’t recognize you, or, if he does, that he doesn’t point you out to me. Because, if I ever meet you, [extreme vulgarity] I’m going to reach into your pants, grab your pussy lips, pull them up over your ugly face and tie them into a bow atop your pointy little head[/extreme vulgarity]. Bitch.

Jess – who dropped Kevin off at the airport, then came home, went in the hot tub and drank half a bottle of wine.

heh heh heh. Jess, I hope my wife’s that jealous after 16 years. (Not that I would give a reason, mind you.)

Brilliant invective at the end. Saved it all up, then POW! Nice touch.

Very good for a first effort.

15/10, just for this.

And, totally agreed on the topic, this woman’s a bitch of the highest order.

All I can say is . . .
I give thanks to all that is holy that my name is NOT Michelle.

BTW, after tying that cute little bow - add a couple of drops of SuperGlue, okay?

That was the best use of vulgarity, ever, in the pit. The lengthy build up, totally clean, totally G rated, plus the “poor distraught housewife” pose. And then, one well turned, absolutely devastating, obscene threat. Perfect example of why over using profanities robs them of their power.

I give it a fuckin’ 10 out of fuckin’ 10!

coosa: Neither is the skank’s.

And Jess, I’m no flamer, but dammit, I know awesome whn I see it. That was out-freaking-standing! Oh yeah!

My favorate…

the “Bitch” at the end…

Somehow, it drew everything together nicely…

(look of impressed shock)

Why Jess, you always seemed so LADYLIKE!

Most excellent, dear. I mean, MA’AM!

A well-crafted rant can indeed be a thing of beauty.

Bravo!

And if you ever do get to meet Michelle in person, do let us know how it turned out? :smiley:

Jess, if you need any help messing up that bitch, you just let me know. That was one of the most fucked up things I have heard about in a LONG time. What kind of sick, twisted person thinks it’s funny to make a woman think her husband is cheating on her? That shit is going to blow up in her face one of these days.

Hmmm…frankly this has little to do with “Michelle” and everything to do with your husband. Firstly, you’re there and I’m not but from here his cover story sounds so lame that I’d need a lot more than a “Yeah… worry wives, that’s the ticket!” backup from a friend before I believed what would normally seem to be a steaming load of CYA.

Secondly, if it is a joke he knowingly cooperated and indulged in it. Recording, saving and repeatedly playing back a sexual come on to a married man may be great entertainment for he and his buds but I don’t think it speaks well for his sense of humor or his character.

Yeah, astro, I figured I’d get a response like yours from someone – that’s why, when I felt the need to tell someone this little saga, I decided to tell it here instead of to family or friends who know Kevin and would think less of him for it.

That said, I know him pretty well – he isn’t an enormously complex guy, nor is he a very good liar – especially at the last minute. Knowing him (and his friends) as I do, his story definately has the ring of truth. It sounds exactly like the kind of shit they’re likely to get up to.

Still, I’m not wholly thrilled with him, either. It was a stupid thing for him to do, and it caused me a lot of pain. And, certainly, he is more culpable for that than Michelle (the skank), who doesn’t even know me. However, nobody’s perfect, and nothing will teach you that quicker than a lengthy marriage. People make mistakes and this one was a doozy. Frankly, if Kevin hadn’t been going away so soon after the fallout from this, I’d probably have made him suffer for it a while longer. But, remember, he left less than 24 hours after I heard the stupid message. And, he’ll be gone for at least 6 months – maybe longer, depending on how events in the Middle East transpire. Frankly, for my own mental health, I felt it better to forgive him sooner rather than later. He has been very contrite, and I know he loves me and is sorry to have hurt me this way.

Anyway, that’s why I decided to unload the bile on Michelle. As I said, I needed to be mad at someone and she was the safest and most logical target. My little rant made me feel better and didn’t hurt her at all. I doubt I’ll ever meet her (and even if I did, I wouldn’t really touch her skanky old pussy. Yuck. I’m sure I’d pick up a nasty germ at the very least!

Jess

Your husband is a lucky, lucky man. You’ve got your priorities totally straight. My hat is way off to you, Jess.

And to your husband. The two of you will be in my thoughts.

Can anyone else hear the sound effect?

Brr-rrubbb-upppp <-cartoon stretching rubber noise.

By the way - 10/10. applause