This is what bothers me. This doesn’t seem nice to me one bit, in fact, it seems like some passive-aggressive sort of thing. Even if your Unc is 100% nice and wonderful, not even being able to discuss viable options with him is annoying. You can’t say to him, “Hey Unc, since you don’t have a set date, do you think you could make it any week but the last week of September?” Or even “I won’t be around the last week of September but I’d sure love to see you any other time.”
I don’t like when adults can’t learn to make compromises and instead cancel their own plans out of some mistaken thought of being “nice”. That is not nice.
Your mom is just loony, at least about travel. Listen to Zyada’s advice. She cancels this trip for you, she will be cancelling EVERY trip for you.
No doubt it’s annoying, but I’m doubting the aggressive part. He sounds skittish. In fact, he seems as freaked out by travel as his sister. Makes me wonder about that fun family trip to Niagara Falls they went on as kids. Did they end up getting beaten by customs agents or something?
Agree 1000%. It is positively absurd that you are even thinking of not going on your scheduled trip, and sets a dangerous precedent. BTW: you have not “just started planning” it – you’ve been planning it for some months already.
Call or write your uncle, tell him what a coincidence that you’ll be vacationing near his home in late September, wish him well on his upcoming journey. If it’s early September, you’ll see him; if not, well, you won’t.
Tell Mom you love her dearly, and even more when she lets you live your own life.
You’re a full grown adult, right? You aren’t living with your mother, or getting help from her in any way except the love and attention you are supposed to get from family, right?
Then she isn’t involved unless you allow her to be. She cannot dictate what you must do, she can only tell you what she wants you to do. The guilt trip isn’t about her concern for her brother, its about trying to control you.
This is not “family politics”. It’s asserting your independence as an adult, or allowing your mother to control your actions.
Oh, no, no. Don’t misunderstand. My uncle would be perfectly amenable. The problem is that my mother would totally flip out that we would undermine his plans now that she has already committed us to being here whenever it is that he visits. :smack:
He would gladly change his plans, but then we’d never hear the end of it from my mother. How could we do such a thing! You’d think we deliberately planned to go to his home state when we knew he wouldn’t be there.
Right now, I think the best option is to do what we’d planned, but move it to a slightly more southerly locale. Then book flights so it would be too late if mom makes a fuss.
Mom doesn’t normally lay guilt trips. They are quite rare, so when she does she gets a LOT of mileage out of it!
:rolleyes: I think your mother deliberately encouraged your uncle to visit during that month, what do you think about that? And I think you are enabling her.
Hug denied, but I do hope you still manage to salvage a good time out of all this…
Hug granted, just because you’re trying to be nice to your uncle, but agree with everyone else that you shouldn’t let your mom make your travel plans for you, or you’ll never go anywhere.
Oh, give me a break. The only person who’s making you feel guilty is YOU. The fact that your mom may bitch and moan is beside the point. Your mom doesn’t have the right to decide *your * plans!
Why should you alter your long-made plans because your mom has a bee in her bonnet about your uncle’s possible visit? You’re letting her control your life. The sooner you stop letting her do that the better.
It’s very simple. “Mom, these plans were made months in advance and it is impossible to change them. If Uncle wants to visit while we’re here, great, if not, we’ll catch him next time.”
Yes. I can’t believe you’d even consider cancelling your plans just to keep your mom quiet. If your uncle would gladly change his plans, then work something out with him. This really doesn’t have anything to do with your mom, and I wouldn’t let her insert herself into it, blow it out of proportion, and take the rest of you down.
I already gave her the heads up. We’re going to discuss our options when she gets back from a camping trip. I haven’t cancelled the plans at all, I’m just wallowing in self-pity because the situation seems quite dire.
My fiancee is exasperated. Particularly because she’s the one who let it slip that we didn’t have our planes booked yet, which is why my mom figured we didn’t have “concrete plans”. My mom caught her off guard. Otherwise she would have fibbed and said we’d booked our flights already.
It was my uncle’s suggestion to come in September and my mom assured him that no one had any plans without asking us first (or my sister). She claims she thought our plans were just in “the idea phase” and not so concrete. Now she’s afraid he won’t re-schedule now that he’s made a decision on travelling. Which is true. He is a die-hard homebody.
I would actually really like to see my uncle too. I would genuinely feel bad if I had to miss his visit. And seriously, if he has already committed himself to the idea of going somewhere, I don’t want to rock that boat either. The family has been encouraging him to go somewhere for years. I want to see that guy go somewhere to be a tourist and not because someone has died and he has a funeral to attend.
But I’m miffed that my mother promised him that we’d be available without consulting with us first.
My uncle is a pretty smart man, so I’m really hoping that he’s picking September thinking that he’ll get a long weekend with us around Labor Day. I’m going to give him a call later tonight. I bet he does actually have a better idea of when he’s coming. He plans ahead really well and he also has very little patience for my mom’s “travel panic”.
I’m also realizing that our plans revolved mostly around specific activities rather than a specific geographic location. We could probably still take our trip as long as we choose New Mexico or Texas. That might actually save us some air fare, since we originally would have had a stop-over in Texas anyway. Maybe we can cut out the extra flight.
ETA:
Aye, that’s the rub. There won’t BE a “next time” when it comes to him visiting. My uncle is such a homebody, the last time he travelled out of state for holiday purposes was in 1978. Prior to that it would have been when he was stationed in the army in the 1950s.
You are crazy, absolutely nuts, if you cancel or change your plans. (and I mean that in the nicest way)
Your uncle doesn’t even know when he’s coming. What if he does come Labor Day weekend? Your plans weren’t until the end of the month. You’ll get to see him and take your trip and everyone will be happy. (OK, probably not your mother)
Really, though, what if you go to all the trouble to change your plans and Uncle decides…Oh, I’ll come in October instead…except you just changed your plans to October…or what if he decides that it’s just too much trouble to travel after all. You’ll have changed your plans to suit your mother’s whims.
The only way to stop this insanity is to say no.
“Sorry, Mom, we’re going on our trip as planned”.
I just really can’t believe that you’re letting her jerk you around like this when your uncle doesn’t even have a plan yet.
(sorry, don’t know why I’m getting so heated about this… probably reminds me of my family)
Go on your trip. You had it planned for months, then your mom convinces your uncle to vivsit canada the same time as your trip? Sounds to me like she doesn’t want you to go on the trip and is manipulating all of you. You need to guilt trip your mom, “well, we had the trip planned for months then you do this, etc”.
What the hell kind of relationship do you have with your mother? For that matter, what does figuring out technicalities to still go have to do with it (changing to a different state for example)? This is the most screwed up thing I have read all week in any type of media. You (and maybe your mother but it could be just you for all we know) have some mega-serious issues when it comes to adult family relationships. You know that other adults don’t think and act this way don’t you?
