Question: Did your mother know about your plans before she invited your uncle?
I wouldn’t tell your mother that you changed the date and location for the trip. It will give her a chance to prevent that too. You’re quit able to decide if mom or you gets what you want, and it’s your life, not ours, so what you want is right here. Enjoy the climbing wherever it ends up.
Well, let’s see. My mom has always been exceptionally supportive of anything we’ve ever wanted to do. She gave us a lot of freedom as children and trusted us to make good decisions on our own. She offered us guidance when we were growing up but let us make our own decisions, and never once said “I told you so” when we went against her advice and failed catastrophically.
She’s never ever let’s us down. When my sister came out, my mom was mostly concerned with her happiness and hoped she’d meet a really nice girl. She’s is exceptionally generous and has always been supportive of all our endeavors, even when she thought our ideas were seriously half-baked.
She resolutely took care of my father during his illness until the day he died and she has never once considered dating any other man because her husband was her one-and-only. She supported both of us kids through college and put every effort in that she could to come out to every baseball game or theater performance we were in, even if she didn’t really have the time to go. She has been like Yoda when we needed sage advice and has never been judgemental or prejudiced when many other parents would have been.
When I say guilt trips from her are rare, I mean really, really, really, REALLY rare. She is not, and has never been, a deliberately manipulative person.
Travel is her one and only hang-up. And it’s one hell of a doozy of a hang-up! family is a huge, HUGE priority to her. And since, our family is spread out geographically so much, it is a huge deal for her when we get the rare opportunity to be in one place at one time. This I understand.
She did not, as some posts suggest, convince my uncle to come when she knew we were taking holidays. She just infuriatingly decided that any date he proposed would be “perfect”, because it’s such an imperative to have my uncle go anywhere. (He is 75, he hasn’t got many travel opportunities left).
Basically, my mom fucked up this time.
Awhile back, she asked my girlfriend if our plans were concrete, my girlfriend (quite admittedly) suggested it was “just an idea”. As soon as my uncle said "I think I can come in Spetember… " she pounced on the opportunity before he could change his mind. She should have said: “Let me make sure the kids are going to be in town.” But she didn’t.
So now she’s frantically trying to make good on her promise, because she’d convinced herself that our plans were flexible without checking with us first. (Arg!)
As I said before: Normally she is quite sane, but “travel” is her big issue when it comes to family.
Missed the edit window.
I was just going to add: Normally it wouldn’t be our problem if my mom screwed up, but my uncle is a really great guy and he would be seriously disappointed that he couldn’t see us. It’s kind of a no-win situation. So our choices are to figure out an alternative or just suck up the loss. (My sister has early September plans, so she’s just as miffed right now too.)
Oh, she wouldn’t do that. She’ll be quite relieved if everything works out so everyone is happy.
I’m pretty sure she knew she’d be disappointing us a bit, but she didn’t realize how much we had invested in our plans already. Hence my fiancee’s exasperation. She thinks she made our plans sound a lot more vague than they were.
OK, I stopped reading after this. This is making me cringe. And I don’t think I’ll be much help here. Good luck. I hope it all works out.
Yes and no. My mom invited my uncle up two years ago. The whole family has been encouraging him to go somewhere and my mom really pumped up things in Canada like cross-country train trips that are offered for seniors and all sorts of stuff.
So it’s been more of a standing invitation. My uncle just renovated his house and it was so stressful he only started making more specific overtures about travel within the last three months. No one ever thought it would have come to anything, because he always dreams about it but never actively does anything about it.
My mom asked my fiancee if we had any plans about six weeks ago, at which time my fiancee answered only vaguely because our finalized dates weren’t set. So we think my mom only thought our plans were in the “early fantasy” stages and that we’d be a little disappointed, but that we could easily reschedule. She knew nothing about the nature of our trip (and its dependency on the seasons) nor how long we’d had our plans in the works.
It’s not as bad as you think. All our family relations are, for the most part, quite healthy. The problem is that 95% of my mom’s family will gladly sacrifice their plans so that everyone else is happy. :rolleyes:
The end result is that no one really gets to do what they want for fear of inconveniencing someone else. It’s like those two cartoon gophers standing in front of a door going “After you.” “No, after you.” So neither gets anywhere.
My other uncle is the 5% of the family who says “Screw that!” and takes huge cool holidays with his family. And my dad’s family is the opposite. If they want to go somehwere, they just go. No hemming or hawing about it.
So your mom is acting on misinformation, and your uncle may have even more flexibility than you/she thinks. And your fiancee is peeved.
PLEASE go on your trip as scheduled. There are too many factors to work on to move it and as mentioned, something may always come up. You made your plans first. Done, and done.
NO HUG FOR YOU!! /Hug Nazi 
Shoot HR.
Shoot the Uncle.
Shoot your mom ( just to be on the safe side.)
However, this may cut into your holiday. But after you get out of prison in 40 years ( to life) no more guilt!
This reminds me of any event that pivots around my mother. You can not have everybody calling her to set a date or such. Times change, dates change, places change, and then most people don’t go because they got so frustrated. I make plans with everybody for a set date. People that can’t come don’t, but most people are there. Way more show up than if everything changes constantly. She talked to my brothers and sisters for my birthday, and Nobody talked to me. She said that certain days didn’t accommodate my sister that was attending school. I was pissed when I found out that People had wanted to take me out for my birthday, and I eventually went with ma only, and she really didn’t want to go.
:: bangs head on desk ::
Bang-bang-bang-bang! :smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:
I’m gonna kill 'er! Now that she’s done being in a tizzy my mom is suddenly thinking “Oh, maybe, it’s manageable…”
She neglected to consider the fact that my uncle doesn’t know when he’s coming is because she sent him a schedule for this Toronto-Ottawa-Montreal tour thing… it has speciific dates. He just hasn’t picked one yet.
Well, that’s easy. He can pick one that does not conflict with our trip (or my sister’s for that matter).
Arg! Why? Why? WHY does my mom have to become such a frothing spazz every time anyone is travelling anywhere? I should have known better than to take her Chicken Little schtick seriously.
This is actually the reason why my fiancee was so vague about our trip. She figured the less my mom knew, the less of an opportunity she would have to start freaking out about it.
:smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:
Hug for you, and a few extra passed along. And I agree with the others: take the trip on your own.
Awww, Cellphone, I really think your whole family rocks, you included. I hope it all works out.
Dear OP: Kindly desist in the enabling of your mother’s controlling, passive-aggressive tendencies. If you don’t start pushing back now, you’ll need extra practice when it comes to those post-marriage boundaries that you’ll desperately need.
I say lie to everyone involved. Tell mom you have to go to a TDY trip for work, sudden changes, can’t say no. Tell Uncle you are very happy to hear the good news, and only wish you could come visit, but yadda yadda.
Tell Human Resources that you are . . . screw it, tell them nothing.
Tris
Why don’t YOU set a date that avoids a trip conflict for you and your fiance? Your family seems to have some bizarre inability to make firm decisions. That is sort of Ok because many people are like that but there is usually someone there to tell them exactly what to do which is actually what many people want. You are young and working and have conflicts. Your uncle can come almost any time he wants. You clearly have the upper hand and it shouldn’t cause any problems anyway. Just tell both he and your mother when that will be within the parameters that have already set.
I live 2000 miles away from my family and I have two very young children plus two careers going in our household. My family always throws out ideas and I just tell them what to do based on the available ideas. If you are getting married, you need to hone up on that art very quickly. Leadership roles within the family shift as children get married and have kids of their own. You will have to know how to keep your older relatives under control as it suits you especially when the kids come. Don’t think of yourself like a kid that has to obey your mother anymore. Just use logic for something that will work and tell them what they need to do. It tends to work like a charm.
You need to read further down where I explain that it isn’t a manipulative, passive-aggressive thing, but a genuine and unintentional fuck-up on her part, that has her in a ridiculous and uncharactersitic tizzy (well, uncharacteristic as far as 90% of her usual behavior, but 100% consistent with her “OMG! Travel is such a big deal!” neurosis).
My mother has never been passive-aggressive, she is far, far too straightforward and no-nonsense and has no paitence for such behavior. She maybe a little neurotic as far as family obligations when it comes to travel, but most definitely NOT passive-aggressive.
And my sister has been living with her same-sex-spouse for awhile now and she isn’t finding any issues with post-marriage boundaries. (They are common-law. They had a commitment ceremony prior to the legalization of gay marriage in Canada.)
Most recent phone conversation: Since she is helping to hammer out the schedule with my uncle, we’ve said: “These are the dates we plan on being away… We have checked with locals and we could if absolutely necessary, push our departure date back one week, but you have to let us know ASAP because we are booking flights.” (Checked with HR, they’d be okay with that.) But this would be pending my fiancee’s ability to change her plans at her job. (And her job is more important than mine.)
So my mom is now, more reasonably, juggling everyone’s schedule to correct the mess she made, so no one’s feelings get hurt and no one has to totally compromise their respective trip.
And in other news… my homebody uncle is now reconsidering his trip. :smack:
Not because one of us kids will be away, but because he’s worried his “dog will miss him”. I really don’t know why anyone encourages him to travel out-of-state. He occasionally visits neighboring states to watch the other nieces’ and nephews’ soccer games, but that man is just NOT the traveling type.
Okay, NOW you need a hug. And therapy wouldn’t burt.
SMC, despite the fact that (according to the Dope) your mother rapes puppies, your uncle beats orphans, and you are so socially inept that you should never be let out of your cage, your family sounds really cool and likeable. Like my family, quite high functioning, but with a little quirk here and there. Most families should be so lucky.
I think you should do all you can to encourage your uncle to come up, but without compromising your own plans. Consider this, though: Maybe he doesn’t travel because he doesn’t like to travel. I myself hate getting on planes, and only do so grudgingly. It’s not that I hate my wonderful family, it’s that I hate airports, homeland security, cramped seats, and tiny packages of pretzels.
Tomorrow I start my “big” vacation. I’m going from Massachusetts all the way to remote and exotic Massachusetts. And I’m not looking forward to the 4-hour trip by subway, bus, and boat.
OK, the boat’s kind of cool.