Argh! (family bullshit)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have an uneasy feeling that even the short version is going to be too long to be worth reading – but I need to vent.

My beloved Aunt Mary Ann moved down to Georgia four or five years ago, along with my Aunt Adele, a nasty, bitter woman, because AMA’s daughter and her family (two kids, and now their kids) live down there. My cousin Michael (her son) retired a few years ago, got divorced, and also moved to that area. Aunt Adele died a couple of years ago at age 95.

A year ago tomorrow, my aunt died; she was 93. The next morning, I got laid off from my dream job, so that period was just kind of a whirlwind of suckiness, and I didn’t go down for the funeral, which my cousins were fine with. They decided to do a ceremony for the burial of her ashes, though, and this ceremony will be Friday of this week. They invited me, my sister, and my brother to this.

I’m still unemployed, scraping by on unemployment and some freelancing. I checked flights, they were $240 – kind of pricey given my relative lack of income. My brother decided he’d drive down, and said if I got myself to DC [I’m car-free these days], I could hitch a ride with him, he’d pay for gas. Okay, cool, I really want to do this – both to honor my aunt, whom I loved very much, and to see my cousins. And then, hey, my sister decided she’d come too, so I could ride down to DC with her (150 miles) and the three of us would drive to Georgia (600 miles). And we work out all the logistics – my sister and I leave Philly Thurs. afternoon, dinner in DC at bro’s, then we take off – three and a half hours of driving that night, stop at a motel, finish the other 7 hours the next day, get there in time for the ceremony Friday afternoon, big family dinner that evening, stay over at my cousin’s, hang out for a while Saturday, then head back Saturday afternoon, stay somewhere Saturday night, get to DC midday Sunday, drive back to Philly Sunday night.

A lot of driving, you’re thinking? Fuck yeah.

And a lot of time in the car with my brother – who I don’t get along with all that well, and in fact saw for the first time in four years back around Christmas – and my sister – who I do get along with, but who is definitely going to want to discuss what the hell I’m doing about finding a job. Plus just all that time in the car, which isn’t my preferred mode of travel – tedious and time-consuming.

So last night I call my sister to finalize the logistics on hooking up on this end, and she says she’s not feeling well, admits it might be psychosomatic, but is hoping that if she goes to bed early she’ll be feeling better – well, she’ll call me today and let me know.

Then a few hours later my brother calls and says his back is fucked up, he spent the day in bed, and though he was hoping it would get better… well, fine, if it gets better, spending 20 hours in a car over 3 days probably ain’t a good idea.

So, okay, looks like this ain’t gonna happen. I’m bummed, because I would have liked to have seen my cousins, etc., but also relieved, because the trip itself was looming as potentially hellish.

My sister calls at 7:30 this morning to say that her husband – who hadn’t planned to go because it was a problem to get off work (he’s a carpenter, effectively self-employed, but they’re in the middle of a big project) – had gotten his knickers in a twist about the fact that I was getting screwed by everyone wussing out on this, and he was proposing to take the time off work and drive me (and my sister, presumably) down to Georgia.

No no no no, this isn’t necessary, and perhaps not even desirable, sez I. Okay, I agree, sez my sister – would you call him and tell him that yourself?

Fine, so I do – and get a big blast of serious anger from this guy (who’s ordinarily mellow and delightful, one of my favorite people on the planet) about how we’re all wusses, and why do we say we’re going to do these things if we’re not going to do them, etc.

So, blah blah blah, long story – and it ends with my BIL getting massively pissed at me for all the plans falling through.

2

He seems to want to do this … and you want to go…so why not let him?

3

Just make it clear to your brother that you really want to go, but that you don’t want to inconvenience him to that degree. You aren’t wussing out on anything, and his anger is misplaced.

4

I’m thinking here that your brother-in-law is actually pissed-off at his wife, and you got caught in the crossfire at the wrong time. I’m also thinking that this is precisely why she wanted you to call with your refusal of his offer, rather than relaying it herself.

Can you call your sister up and nut out what’s up with this at her end?

5

Just talked to my sister – she was rather taken aback by the fact that her husband yelled at me about this, not what she expected when she asked me to call.

Now I’m going to check into flights – she’s got some frequent flyer miles. (I of course have none, nor money, since I paid $1500 in income tax last week.)

6

Nope, the cheapest flights, at this point, are $550 – that ain’t gonna happen.

7

God, I love family crap when everyone gets into everyone else’s business.

I’m wondering if your brother-in-law might not have moved heaven and earth to get the time off because he heard you were wanting to go to the funeral but couldn’t. Instead of gratitude for his sacrifice, he hears at the last minute, “Naw, never mind.”

I’m not saying this is what happened, but there’s often multiple versions of reality going around in a family, especially when the family (like mine) has several self-appointed mediators.

8

Weird. If he hadn’t offered to go along I’d be seriously suspicious. . . maybe he had some other plan fro the Sis being out of the house. You know, like a makeover of a room to surprise her, or installing a hot tub. He may have had a crew he could trust to do it while he was away, but really wanted her out of the house.

Or maybe he just had to make a lot of arrangements to be away, and did so because he thought this was important to you/his wife and is now mad to find out it doesn’t matter to anyone.

Or maybe he once got similarly let down by someone when he desperately wanted to be at a family gathering, and the old feelings are coming up.

Any way you slice it there is information missing here. I’d give BIL a day to chill and then call him again. Tell him you are calling just to make sure he knows you are grateful for his offer, and don’t want him to be offended by your refusal.

Ninja’d by PY, who explained option 2 much better than I did.

9

P.S. I know it doesn’t spring to mind these days, but if time is no object, greyhound is not as bad as it’s made out to be. . .

10

What he says he’s pissed about – and I see no reason to disbelieve him, he’s actually pretty darned good about articulating his feelings – is his perception that this is one more dramatic example of how our family (family here meaning his wife’s family of origin, which is her and me and my brother at this point) say that we’re going to do X, then when push comes to shove, don’t do X, for whatever reason.

He is not necessarily wrong in that perception.

Now why he should totally go off on everyone concerned that we’re doing it yet again – not sure.

I was supposed to have dinner with them tonight (then spend the night, so I’d be out there and ready to roll when my sister got done at school – she’s a teacher), and my sister had suggested I do so anyway in our first phone call of the day. After talking to BIL, I think that is a bad idea, and she didn’t disagree. We’ll probably go out for pizza this weekend and I can talk to him then.

11

Roughly 24 hours each way. Ugh.

12

Sure, but with strangers.

13

Not strangers – friends I haven’t met yet. :eek:

14

Because perhaps you/they ARE doing it again? At least in his mind.

The old “but this time its different” excuse gets rather irritating after the thousandth time, even IF its a valid excuse this time.

Every time you guys pull “this kind of stuff”, you build up a deficit of goodwill with the guy. And finally, when you do it one last time, even if you have a good excuse, it reminds him of all the other times you did it and he just sucked it up.

Think of it not as retribution for THIS event, but what you had coming for all the other times and he is just now “sending you the bill” so to speak.

Just sayin.

Good luck on all the other problems in your life you don’t really have control over.

15

Twin, that just sucks. If you need to vent some more, you have my email, or I can talk on the phone. I’m listed, and you know my IRL name.

16

I don’t know where your going, but Amtrak runs a train from Philly to Savannah, GA. It even goes through DC. Maybe you could take that and be picked up by your family? It’s probably too late now though.

17

twix, I sympathize, for reasons that I will not discuss on the SDMB. But I do feel for you.

18

He’s right, by your own admission. Wusses. If you cared enough about your aunt’s memory and honoring that, you’d have accepted his offer. He has a right to be pissed, not so much at you but at his wife and your brother. They sound like they’re the ones being the biggest pussies in this whole affair, and that he rearranged his schedule to help out and now he feels (rightly) unappreciated.

You have limited means, we (and your BIL) seem to understand that. It sounds more like you’re being trapped by your other sibs situations (or creation thereof) and they are the ones generating the suckitude. I hope you get out there.

19

Yeah, exactly – I am not the one wussing here.

Update: This trip is officially canceled. My sister and her husband are going to fly down for a super quick visit over Memorial Day weekend – she found a flight for $210. I need to figure out whether I can justify that expense or not. (I not only had the tax bill last week, this week the gas company is threatening to turn off my gas if I don’t pay off my heating bill from this past winter.)

(The good news is that I just got a freelance assignment that will pay a whopping $100. :rolleyes:)

Thanks for your sympathy, all.

20

twickster, I just want to say good luck. I have been in your position before, and it sucks.