Have 2 siblings–oldest sister and older brother. I am the youngest. Neither of them is married or has kids. Brother is self-employed, but doing well. Sister is an ad exec and makes mid 6 (six) figures.
Have 3 kids: one almost 20 (in college); one 17 (senior in HS); one 11. The older 2 have college essentially paid for (long story), the 11 year does NOT (again, long story).
Husband out of work since February. He picks up some occasional freelance CPA stuff, but it’s not regular or as much as he used to make (it is enough to screw us out of unemployment).
I am working 2 jobs: one as an RN; the other as a librarian (our health ins kicks in Nov 1–thank god). I also free lance med-mal chart auditing, but that is quite rare (but lucrative).
We live in a 70+ year old house with all that that means; my car is 11 years old and dying.
Ok, that’s the background. My brother has decided that since our dad will be 80 next year, he (bro) wants to “honor” Dad with a blow out Thanksgiving of 2010… in Bermuda or on a 4 day cruise of some kind (destination unknown). Crucial details:
No one knows if Dad (and Mom) want this trip.
Bro says that we can “bank” on Dad selling one of his assets (looonnnngg story, suffice to say that if he does, the kids get the bulk of the profit) this year, thereby (essentially) paying for the trip. The number $50K was mentioned–as in the trip costing that much. :eek:
Do I need to go on?
He sent me an email basically saying “no worries”–Bermuda is only 2 hours from Boston. We live in Chicago; he lives in Texas and “it’s not all that much”. Maybe not for ONE person, but multiply it by 5.
We can’t do this trip. I sent him an email back saying that (I had already sent him an email saying this, but got this “no worries” one in reply). What to do?
Don’t you hate it when people don’t listen? He is so enamored of this trip, he isn’t hearing me. AND we don’t even know if Dad wants to do this! Dad is writing a book, revising another, organizing his library and doing consulting work–he’s an active and busy 79 year old. HE may not have time to do this!
When it comes to family and money issues, be as honest as you can be. In this case, I’d send him an email telling him that you still have a college education for the youngest to plan for, so blowing your 1/3 of $50K on a trip (that seems to be more for your brother than father at the moment) isn’t in your family’s financial best interest.
Hey, if he’s willing to cover your family’s cost out of his share, all the better. If he does, got room for 2 stowaways?
Mark
Yep–that’s what I told him, twice. Maybe he’ll listen to my last email. I’m a bit irked that he keeps trying to sell this as “honoring” Dad, as if by saying no, I don’t honor him (I’m the only kid that paid Dad back the loans he’s given us!).
Anyone else have family issues like this that they want to share? Give only the details you’re comfortable with. I swear, blood kin is nothing but trouble most days.
I am a bit confused as to what your question here is? 80% of your post is telling of your financial sucess and short comings? Not sure if Dad wants this trip? Brothers email vague and confusing? For gods sakes, pick up the phone and ask questions!
Pick up the phone and tell him that not only can you not afford it, but any money that may come your way as a result of the asset sale is earmarked for other things.
Is your sister more likely to hear and understand you? Perhaps if you got her to understand your position as well, she could help your brother understand that this is simply not going to happen.
Tell him that you have earmarked your share of any windfall to be spent on crack, because that would be just as useless a waste of money as what he proposes but, at least people would be able to understand addiction as a reason to piss away money that you don’t have and actually need.
Financially, things are very, very tight around here. When my grandma turned 80, we took her out to lunch at Bob Evans to ‘honor’ her. She was thrilled just because she got to spend time with all of us together. It really is the thought that counts and not the drinks with little umbrellas in them. Stand firm with your brother, you’re on the right track.
80% of my post is telling of MY financial success? Next time read for comprehension…
My brother has mentioned the trip costing 50K–I don’t see how (unless we fly on a gold-plated plane or something), but even if the trip costs $5K, we cannot afford it. IF we get any money from the sale of Dad’s asset (meaning IF it sells), that money is earmarked for #2 son’s college tuition.
Brother wants this trip to be a “surprise” (although how you get 2 elderly people to Bermuda without telling them is beyond me). IMO, Brother just wants to go to Bermuda. Go! Leave us behind and I’ll cook a nice Tgiving dinner for Mom and Dad.
Sister is even LESS likely to understand this. She likens her pets to being “just like your kids” and has never entered a Target in her life. :rolleyes: She’s single, makes a LOT of money (in advertising) and flies frequently around the world. Trust me, these are not people who are cutting coupons. They were raised better, too. Argh.
My frustration stems from 2 things: his inability to even consider that others may not have his financial resources and his not hearing me when I tell him, clearly, that we. cannot. afford. to. do. this. I am sticking to emails right now because I do better “on paper”. I am so angry at this that I would likely hang up on him, thereby instigating a Family Incident, which I am too busy to deal with at present.
I like the crack idea… It may wake him up, if nothing else!
I agree that email is not the vehicle for great communication. Pick up the phone and talk to him. Be pleasant but firm.
That being said, your dad is 80 and you don’t know how many more years he’s going to be around. Spending Thanksgiving together isn’t a bad idea. So maybe suggest renting a beach house together someplace that is within driving distance…
For some people, email is a better tool than the phone.
If I talk on the phone with my mother… I don’t talk on the phone with my mother. Or if it’s in person. She simply refuses to let anybody get a word in edgewise. Yesterday was her birthday. We talked on Saturday; the first time her birthday came up was because some 15’ into the call she complained that I hadn’t congratulated her, and I was able to insert “Mom, all you’ve let me say is ‘hi’. Happy Birthday by the way.” She admitted it was true. DooOOOOOoooh.
If I email her (ccs to the bros), then there’s trails of both what I said and what she answers back.
That’s just for family communications and with everybody in the same timezone; there’s been times we were 8 hours apart. And it’s without getting into how long it can take certain people to Get To The Damn Point over the phone; people whose letters, IMs or emails are absolutely to the point can take over five minutes (clocked) of “how are yous” before saying something relevant on the phone.
I’m sure that eleanorigby has lived with herself and her family long enough to be able to decide which is the best method for communication.
How do you think your dad would react if this all actually happened (including the asset sale) and the fam made plans to go to Bermuda without you?
Would it be…
He’s pissed at you for not going and “honoring” him?
He’s pissed at Bro for putting together this expensive trip that not everyone could afford?..but goes anyway
He tells Bro thanks but no thanks, I’d much rather see my grandkids for Thanksgiving. Who eats turkey on the beach anyway?
I’m guessing it’s 2 or 3. I think you should just let it happen if you can’t get Bro to back down. And hopefully they spring the news on your parents with a day or two to spare before the trip, and you (and your kids) can call Dad and tell him you hope his vacation is wonderful and we’ll see you when you get home.
Your brother is a schmuck. Normally, I wouldn’t say that about anybody’s family but my own, but sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade.
My mom’s family spans an even bigger range of financial stability–my uncle is a CEO and company president who’s been profiled in Forbes, Mom and one aunt are retired public school teachers, and the other aunt works in a Dollar General. Only Mom and DG Aunt have/had kids and all the attendant expenses (the baby of the family will be 30 next spring.) It’s something that could turn into a huge ordeal of embarrassment and resentment at every family holiday or event if people weren’t sensitive to one another.
But we keep an unspoken cap on Christmas presents around $20, and when my grandparents had their 60th anniversary a few weeks ago, we had a reception for them in the fellowship hall of their church. Uncle sent a check for a few hundred bucks, Mom and the aunts used it to buy the stuff and did the cooking/decorating/arranging. Near as I can tell, the old farts enjoyed it as much or more than if we’d all loaded up and took a cruise with them, because all their friends got to come too. Besides, they’re still quite capable of planning and paying for their own vacations, thank you very much, and my grandpa is precisely the kind of guy who would tell you so in exactly those words.
They should start, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I will only continue to say it, so please try and listen. Me, and my family, cannot afford to take this trip and will not be joining in. Again, I’m sorry it’s not the response you were hoping for, I wish you luck in your pursuit of this, but please hear me when I say, count us out. No hard feelings, it’s just how it is. Thanks…”
You may be good at writing, but it sounds like he’s not good at reading. Pick up the phone. Or make Mr. Eleanorigby call your brother. Or, if you are very lucky and your 20 year old is mature and has a good relationship with WealthyUncle, have him/her do it.
It’s been my experience that most older folks would like to have their friends attend their celebrations. Showing off their kids and Grandkids is one of their primary joys.
I have also found that extended travel is extremely uncomfortable for them. The only way it really works is on a cruise ship, where they don’t have to schlep bags around once they get there. Even then, getting to the ship can exhaust them for the first two days.
Your brother needs to include your parents in the plans, and do what would make them happy. And I’m certain what would make them happy includes having your family be able to attend.
What a selfish jerk, although just the type to parade his selfishness (as in, not considering the feelings and limitations of others) as devotion to your dad.
Send him an email (long but not too long – people tend to drop off after three paragraphs) re-explaining everything you’ve said here. That you cannot afford it, but even if you could you don’t think it’s fair to surprise your dad, but again, you. cannot. afford it. Tell them they’re free to phone you to discuss the matter, although you don’t know how you can explain it any more clearly.
And CC your sister. If they can’t, between the two of them, figure out why you can’t go, at least you’ll have something to point to when they claim you flaked out at the last minute or didn’t want to go at all.
We had this same issue eight years ago. Almost exactly, except my parents were younger, and we were both employed.
We decided we’d all like to go on vacation together over Christmas and celebrate my father’s 60th. We were the only people with kids - so we were the only people doubling the cost of the trip. We were also the only people who were concerned about the trip being appropriate for small kids.
It blew up and imploded in a spectacular fashion. First the trip we agreed to (an all inclusive in Mexico), became a cruise. Then the cruise became a more expensive cruise with zero kid’s facilities. Finally, the cruise was moved to fit my brother in laws schedule - smack dab when my husband couldn’t take time off. I blew up, and it was only the level of emotion that accompanied my tantrum that got them to listen to what I’d been saying all along - we don’t CHOOSE to afford this, please stop spending OUR money on things that don’t meet OUR needs. My brother in law has barely spoken to me in the eight years since. My sister has forgiven me, and my parents did long ago.
Call your brother on the phone. Say “I love Dad, but unless YOU are paying to take my family on vacation, we have to prioritize saving for college for our kids over Bermuda. We’d love to celebrate Dad’s 80th - but our family’s entire contribution to the celebration cannot be more than $X.”
Yeah, except that it sounds like the brother isn’t great at email comprehension, so I’d put the important stuff up front in its own paragraph, possibly in boldface type:
“We are not spending more than $X on this vacation. If it will cost us more than $X, we are NOT GOING.”
Or, alternatively, just, “WE ARE NOT GOING ON THIS VACATION.” Then follow up with explanations if you want.
We live in Chicago; he lives in Texas and “it’s not all that much”. Maybe not for ONE person, but multiply it by 5.