Is it just me, or are my cousins being jackasses?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Before anyone asks, this has nothing to do with my wife’s problems with depression, though if anyone is concerned she has moved on to a third prescription and is feeling immensely better. This thread instead is about something that doesn’t directly affect me, but which I nevertheless find vexsome.

Here’s the sitch:

I have many cousins, most of whom I find intolerable and thus avoid spending time with. One of the few I like is my cousin “Robin,” who is in her mid thirties. She has five siblings, all of whom are doing fairly well in life–lawyers, doctors, engineers, and so on. Moneywise, Robin isn’t doing as well as the others; she works in retail and likely will indefinitely. It’s also an unspoken family secret that she’s a lesbian. Well–unspoken by others; I don’t mind talking about it. But among the pentecostal christians who make up the bulk of our clan, it’s a scandal. Many family get togethers include people preaching at her, and there’s occasional grumblings about leaving her alone with the girl children lest she recruit. :rolleyes:

Anywhistle–Robin’s siblings all scattered from our home town after college; she’s the only one who still lives in Memphis. Of the others, one’s in New York, one’s in Seattle, one’s in LA, and the other two I don’t know off the top of my head, but quite some distance away. Each year, in the last week of July, they fly or drive to Florida, where their mother retired, for a mini-reunion; this has become somethine she especially looks forward to since her father died. Well, this year, the Seattlelite suggested a change. Their mother’s never been to Alaska, it turns out, so he wants everyone to fly to his neck of the woods and from there to take a cruise. He’s paid for their mother’s ticket and cruise; everybody else has to pay for their own.

Now, for the other siblings this is no particular problem; they all had vacations scheduled, and they can all come up with the money with no special hardship. But for Robin this is completely out of reach. She has the week off, but the expense of the rest of this vacation is not something she can swallow with so little warning. The only way she can do this is to go into debt–and given that she often lives hand-to-mouth, she doesn’t dare. So she’s spending her vacation in Memphis alone.

Is it just me, or does this seem like an attempt to cut her out of the reunion?

2

sigh

Not necessarily. Look, I’m the one in my family who lives hand-to-mouth. The rest of my family are frequent international travelers. Heck, my parents are leaving next week for two weeks in Germany.

I can’t fault them for that, and I couldn’t fault them if they all decided to meet up overseas somewhere, which HAS happened in the past. I can’t afford it, I can’t go. It’s nothing against me, it’s not about me at all. They have the time, money and jobs that allow them to do it, it’s their choice and it would be truly petty of ME to think that they’re excluding me, or that they should somehow cough up the money to include me.

3

It’s not the trip itself that irks me; it’s the timing. They’ve gone to Florida at the same time every year for years; and Robin could have gone on this cruise if she’d been given time to plan (put away so much money per paycheck, say). But the ostensibly sudden change of plans bespeaks, to me, a deliberate decision to make it as inconvenient and unworkable as possible for Robin.

4

It might be or it might not.

How well do they know her financial situation? Maybe their thinking is “Well, everyone was going to take a vacation anyway so let’s just have it somewhere else.” Not to mention that the more well-to-do may just not even realize that it’s a huge burden. I’m not ‘well to do’ by any stretch, but it’s easy for me to forget that others don’t do as well as I do. Things like going out to dinner, we can afford to drop $40 bucks on a meal several times a week and not even think about it. Many other people can’t but I don’t think of that unless it’s more or less pointed out to me.

Or maybe their being jackasses and trying to exclude her. Who knows.

5

I’m also not sure if they’re being jackasses or not. They might well be, or maybe, like Antinor suggests, they’re just thoughtless.

Did Robin tell them she couldn’t afford it?

6

I’m not sure. I tend to think ill of them, so my automatic inclination is to think they’re manufacturing a reason to keep her away.

7

So thats the end of THIS july? And the trip to Florida was already planned – ie, Robin already took a week off work after confirming that yes, everyone is going to Florida again? In that case, yes, it is definitely thoughtless – if you make plans to meet up in City X then you stick to those plans, you don’t just up and change it at the last minute unless there is a good reason. That being said, it might not be so much an active attempt to exclude her, so much as that they all really want to go to Alaska more then they want to see her. Which is still crappy.

If no one had really confirmed yet that Florida was still on, but Robin just kinda assumed … well, then it’s a little more fuzzy. But that seems unlikely, I’m guessing everyone already had taken the week off, and it seems unlikely that doctor and lawyer types would put in for a 1-week vacation without deciding where they are going.

8

Yeah, it was the end of this July. I don’t know of my own knowledge that Robin confirmed everything with everybody, but I can’t imagine her not doing it; she had to arrange the week off, after all, and if she makes plans to have lunch with me, she’ll call the day before and the morning off, and we live in the same town. There’s just no way that she wouldn’t have confirmed that they were all planning to be in Florida at the same time.

9

I don’t know if the change in plans means they are jerks. Unfortunately, Robin would definitely look like a jerk for expecting someone to pay for her trip.

Although I am usually opposed to lending money to friends and family, I think that it might be appropriate here. Not for you to make the loan, Skald, unless you really feel moved, but one of the well-to-do relatives. If Robin could afford this trip with some notice, but understandably doesn’t want to be beholden to Visa/MC for 18% for the cost of the trip, someone could make her a loan with reasonable repayment terms. This suggestion assumes Robin is a financially responsible person who could be trusted with a loan.

10

Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity, right? I’m going to go for plain ol’ thoughtlessness. Of course, she could try saying straight out, “I can’t afford this trip,” and see what the reactions are. If her siblings go :smack: :o then you know it’s thoughtlessness. They might offer to pay her way. If they go “Oh, that’s too bad, well see you next year,” you know they’re not very sorry she can’t go.

I mean, it’s quite a nice idea to give Mom an Alaskan cruise. And people with enough money to afford a cruise often don’t realize that not all of us can.

It’s like that Friends episode, you know the one I mean, right? :stuck_out_tongue:

11

God knows I’ve had enough friends, and seen enough situations, where someone with endless money says “Let’s all go do (something extremely expensive)”, utterly clueless that a large chunk of their audience can’t afford to do it.

The Tell on their character is how they react when they find out that people can’t afford it.

12

Count me in the it’s not just you, . . . but I’m not sure it’s appropriate to assume malice rather than thoughtlessness. Or maybe it is appropriate, but it isn’t helpful for your future interactions with the cousins or for Robin’s interactions with her siblings.

13

Man, some people live in cold, cold families. “Yeah, sis, I’ll lend you the money to come on vacation with your whole goddam family, if you’ll let me check your finances to see if you’re good for it.”

This is their sister. And they know she works in retail. They should have offered to pay for her trip as soon as the idea came up and refused any offer from her to pay them back.

It should be unthinkable for them to go on this trip without her.

14

How will the mother react when she realizes that all her children are on the cruise except Robin?

15

Sheesh, I didn’t mean like run a credit check on her. I meant it like if she is the kind of person who the family already knows has bill collectors calling her all the time. Because just about all of us have a few relatives like that. If I were in Robin’s situation, I’d find a loan more dignity-preserving than charity coming from siblings. In the movies there’s always a rich uncle, but in real life I don’t know a lot of people paying for their siblings’ cruises.

This vacation wasn’t going to be free for Robin when it was in Florida. It probably wasn’t going to be free for her if it was in Alaska with more notice. The rudeness is either a) purposefully excluding her, in which case the situation is beyond help or b) short notice to prepare for an expensive trip.

16

Wow. I guess my family is cut from a different bolt of cloth.

First, there wouldn’t have been any last minute change of plans. Second, if any of us had the gall to suggest a vacation that one of the family couldn’t attend, it would be squashed out of hand by everyone else present. Third, if it had gotten so far as to offer to my mom, the first thing she would say is, “okay, how do we get Robin there?” If it were plain that Robin couldn’t afford it, either arrangements would be made, or plans would be changed back to what she could afford.

It’s just . . . understood in my family that the family comes first. No one gets left out. Room is made, help is offered, and we are all there for one another. No ifs, ands, or buts. Money? Money is a finite resource, but money is always beaten out by family when they’re in competition.

17

Yes, this is a major jackass move.

I’m 32, and I am not that well-off financially… when we have family events, such as my cousin’s wedding coming up this fall, my generous parents will pay for my airfare and lodging. Otherwise I would not be able to go, and my family would never allow a family member to be absent just because they could not afford the trip.

So yes it’s pretty f’ed up that they are excluding your cousin. That is really cold.

18

Another vote for thoughtless, but I’m certainly open to changing that to “malicious” based on any extra information. If Robin’s siblings are all socialising in upper middle class circles it possibly never occured to them that not everyone has the money for an impromptu Alaskan cruise.

I know in Robin’s shoes there’s no way I’d go into debt if I suspected the reunion had deliberately been engineered so I couldn’t attend. If tickets have already been purchased then there’s probably not much that can be done about it unless one of the siblings is willing to help her out. Whether next year’s reunion is in Florida or the Bahamas - I guess you’ll have a definitive answer then.

19

Loan her the money? No way: if it’s there it should be a gift. But count me on the thoughtless side for the moment.

20

Well, it’s a mighty big bolt, since my family’s from it too.

Hell, even in my group of friends we frequently chip in for people’s train/plane/bus tickets as well as the cost of gas. We’re a spread-out bunch and like to get together about once/twice a year, and depending on location cheap travel is tricky. But we’d never let money get in the way.

I’d rather have loved ones with me than a new pair of shoes, or whatever.