That in itself is a rotten idea. What if they’ve been planning something themselves over that time period? Not allowing adults the choice of how to spend their own vacation time or whether they want a trip is IMO pretty terrible.
To everyone who thinks explaining the problem (either via email or on the phone or in person) will make brother and sister understand it – it won’t.
Since anything you say is going to get a hand-waving dismissal from him, there’s realy not much that needs to be said.
“It sounds like fun, but we can’t afford it.”
If brother really cares, he’ll ask for details, or offer to chip in, or maybe come up with another plan. Otherwise, don’t waste your time.
Reading between the lines, it sounds as if you begrudge your siblings their success to some degree. I say let them go ahead and plan the trip without you. But (though I realize it’ll be tough) try to do it without so much bitterness.
They have the means and the desire to take your parents on a big expensive vacation. Whatever you perceive their motives to be, that’s a nice thing for them to do. (It would also be nice of them to pay you and your family’s way, but that’s really neither here nor there.)
Continue to stand firm that you can’t be included. Then when Dad’s birthday approaches, you can say to him, “Dad, I couldn’t afford to go in on the big gift that Bro and Sis are giving you. I really hope you have a great time. But I’d love to treat you and Mom to a nice dinner and some time with your grandkids.” I’m betting your dad will be most appreciative.
Maybe he’ll have the time of his life in Bermuda, or maybe he’ll be pissed at your brother and sister for doing it without their little sis. But that’ll be for him to decide, not you.
That’s what I was thinking as well. I HATE SURPRISES!* You are planning to encumber a week of my time without consulting me and I’m supposed to be pleased by this?
I agree with all the other posters who say your best response is a short one along the lines of MsWhatsit’s suggestion . You don’t need to apologize, nor do you need to explain any more.
*Not all surprises, but there are few people who ,even with good intentions, can pull off a surprise.
Well, I have another issue which would prevent me from agreeing: I don’t think taking $50K from Dad and using it to pay for a cruise for Dad is any “honor” to him – basically, he just bought his own birthday party. Using his money and turning it back around as if it’s a “gift” to him is tacky, IMO; it’s not a gift to him, it’s a gift FROM him. If he wanted to treat you all to a cruise, he could do so. It’s quite possible he would not be thrilled to discover you’ve spent your share of his money on coconut drinks and snorkeling instead of on his 11 year old grandchild’s college education. I would not agree to the plan on that basis alone. Not incidentally, it also neatly avoids any obligation to explain whether or not you can personally afford it, or what you might do with a parental windfall instead.
We had a family celebration for an 80-year-lately, and right away people tried to plan for those who couldn’t afford anything fancy. We reserved a room in an Italian restaurant and had permission from the management to decorate it.
Grandkids who were teens and young adults put on a show; younger ones had drawn posters decorating the room and made an immense birthday card. Everyone signed it, even the youngest one (not quite 2) who signed it with an orange jello palmprint.
There was not even a moment of hesitation or discomfort when the bill came, everything had been arranged ahead of time.
The honoree had a great time, he was smiling from ear to ear on all the pics.
Two granddaughters made a scrapbook for him of all the pictures of the event.
I don’t think a cruise would have thrilled him as much, especially as few of his children or grandchildren could have afforded it.
What Jodi wrote about the tackiness of a trip financed by his own money: word.
Call up your brother, and talk it out- even if it means a confrontation and getting angry.
I don’t see any reason to be namby pamby with family members. Call him up and chew him out. No need to be diplomatic. Your brother is being an asshole, and needs to have that clearly pointed out to him.
I think you should also call your dad and give him a heads up about this bullshit. Fuck your brother’s “surprise.”
I think this is about the best way to go. I also think talking to your parents about this is not only a good idea, but fairly critical - at 80, they have earned the right to not be spirited away on a trip that they might not enjoy at all. Frankly, I don’t think surprising 80 year olds is EVER a good idea.
By using the proceeds of your father’s sale to pay for the trip, I assume that your brother means that each child can use their own share to pay for their own tickets, etc? Not that he is going to unilaterally take the proceeds and buy a trip with it? Because if that was his big idea, I’d be calling him up and having a heated discussion with him over it. Any money that comes to YOU from the sale is YOUR money, not his. Plus, it is extremely tacky to be counting on someone else giving you money from a sale of their own stuff. That money would just be a gift/windfall, not something you should be expecting. It’s your father’s money until he gives it to someone. He could give it all to charity if he wanted to.
Stop emailing, for cripes sake. He’s your brother, not a business acquaintance, so call him and tell him in no uncertain terms where the wild goose goes. Email with relatives is for the purpose of telling them how your vacation went, how Jimmy’s trumpet lessons are going, and to ask for that fried beet and cabbage cookie recipe. I have two older siblings who will forever think I’m five years old. When I need to make a serious point, I call them, and I make sure they understand what I’m saying to them; you can’t do that in an email.
We just had this same situation crop up in my in-law’s family in regards to a rather meaningful anniversary of my parents-in-law. I hated being the stick-in-the-mud voice of reason for the family (of which I’m married into…not a biological child), but the siblings doing all the planning were/are the unmarried, well-off siblings. I personally hated allowing them to spend our money on a trip we didn’t even know their parents wanted to take and I was getting really peeved they were only consulting my husband, who felt sufficiently guilted into giving them whatever they wanted. I (and my brother-in-law’s wife) finally put our foots(?) feet(?) down and everyone agreed to give them a travel gift certificate through AAA that was good for years. Everyone contributed as much as we could or felt comfortable with. We still shelled out more than I was comfortable with, but sibling pressure can be tremendously guild-inducing (and that was my husband’s and my Christmas present to each other this year…whee.)
Oh, and they left my sister-in-law’s and my names off the card since we aren’t really the in-laws children. The grandkids were included though.
While the whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth, at least no one was forced into the original idea of having to give an equal, set amount toward a pre-determined vacation destination. Even my clueless sibs-in-law finally understood that (typically) elderly people may not care to have their vacations planned for them without even being hinted at to do so.
Right, some people hate the beach. My mother is only 65, but you could never just drop her off at the airport, slap her on the ass, and send her on her way. She would immediately come up with 10,000 reasons why she is completely and totally unprepared for a trip to a tropical island.
What is she supposed to pack in her suitcase? She didn’t know she was going to need a nice dress for dinner on a cruise ship?
What if she doesn’t have any spending money of her own because she just gave it to her kids?
What if, what if, what if, what if. The stress of the shock of suprise would totally ruin any joy or pleasure she got out of such a trip, if you could even get her to go. I’m with the poster who said “fuck your brother’s surprise.” I think it’s a nasty thing to do to someone. I’d probably pitch a fit if you spring a trip on me like that. (Well, fruit don’t fall far from the tree, right? ;>))
Sorry, double post.
How exactly does one spring a surprise trip to a foreign place on someone? I don’t know your parents rigs but the first thing that came to my mind was, ummm… what if they don’t have passports, which they may for all I know.
That being said, from what I have read from you about your parents, it seems to me they would really enjoy a family get together for Thanksgiving and your dad’s birthday more than the cruise not all family can afford to go on.
I umpteenth the motion to have a frank talk with your brother about the fact that you just can’t afford to plunk down that kind of cash knowing you have another child who will need money for college.
If dad does sell that asset and divide it up amongst y’all, I imagine he’d be happy knowing that money would be going toward his youngest grandson’s college education.
Or, just drive to where your brother is and smack him with a trout. 
If I understand it correctly, some part of the profit on the asset is already owned by the children because of the terms of its ownership – so dad has the right to sell it but not the right to keep all the money as some part of any profit already belongs to the kids but is not liquid. This can happen in several ways, none of which really matter for the question. But it seems clear to me that brother is spending rigs’ money on dad – which seems to me quite reason enough not to do it.
Corrections welcome but that’s how I understand it.
Just wanted to add that Bermuda is going to be somewhere between somewhat and stultifyingly boring for the OP’s ca. teenage kids.
Pick up the phone because it is much more satisfying to call him an (obscene gerund) idiot and hear his reaction rather than to just type it.
Heh, just 'cause it’s family doesn’t mean you have to do anything. I, too, am the youngest, with an older brother and oldest sister. My sister tends to be disappointed in me when I don’t meet her expectations, even though I don’t know they exist or what they are. My brother… well, his wife “wears the pants in the family.” I love my brother dearly, but his wife said and emailed things to me, when my mother was dying, that make me never, ever want to see her again.
I completely understand the dilemma. Some people don’t hear what they don’t want to hear. You can only keep telling him no.
I also vote for not surprising your folks. Making it a surprise would be near impossible, for one, for two, they’d probably be happier spending time with all their children and grandchildren.
Hang in there!
Thank you all for your input and reality checks. I truly appreciate it. Couple of points:
Yes to the above quote. Jodi–I was washing the dishes this morning when your point hit me like a ton of bricks. We will be getting the money (eventually) but it all depends on (wait for it) Dad selling one of his houses. Yeah–THAT’S gonna happen real soon. He doesn’t own it–the corp. which is in all the kids’ names owns it. That’s another story in and of itself. But the notion of Dad having to fund the celebration in his “honor” jars me badly. Not only that, I think it’s wrong. Unlike my siblings, I think my Dad knows I “honor” him. Certainly I am the only remaining sibling who says thank you to him for helping out when he does. Or so it seems, but again, another thread and too much dirty laundry for here.
I am sticking to email because I wasn’t raised in the Brady Bunch. Also, I know myself and I have a quick, hot temper when it comes to this kind of thing and I don’t want to just go off. Not only that, but with email there is a “paper trail” of sorts that I can refer back to. I agree with those here who have said I just need to keep repeating this over and over. Sister has been cc’ed since my first reply to Brother. I have not heard from her. I also have not opened my email yet today because I dread this whole thing.
Someone brought up having my husband (hereby known as TH: The Husband) talk to Bro. Well, guess what? Bro already talked to TH! I learned this late last night. TH (to his credit–trust me, not all is happy in the Rigby household) told me that Bro had called him to broach the subject with HIM. TH told Bro that he didn’t think I’d go for it. Don’t you just love the way the “men” are trying to work around me? (ok, cheap shot, but damn I am PISSED). Would any of you ever call your in law to try to set up sides for something that is supposed to be a celebration? My mind boggles.
Last note: Sister and I have some bad blood, mostly due to (I think) jealousy on her part. She told me when I pregnant with Daughter (my first) that because SHE (sis) was the oldest, SHE should be having the babies and grandkids first (her marriage was quite short and ended in an acrimonious divorce). There were other things, like her getting drunk at my house and openly mocking us (TH and me) as new parents (another sis was living with us due to a devastating fire and Oldest Sis was there to “help out”), but I don’t want to delve into all that. I had 2 other sisters, but they passed away and now it’s just the 3 of us. You’d think we could put this kind of shit behind us…
Anyway, my point is this: due to Sis refusing to come to my house (and TH having Family Issues of his own and us having to be with his family for holidays due to his mother which is an entire forum of its own), my parents and Bro and Sis have made a custom of going away for Tgiving (or at least alternating between Sis’ house in LA and parent’s house in Memphis or Bro’s condo in TX). My parents are world travelers and are very active elderly people–except for some asthma, mild deafness and arthritis, they are both hale and hearty. Bermuda might be boring for them! (they went to Antarctica about 10 years ago).
Can anyone see why I really dislike family functions? There is very little pleasure and lots of BS involved.
RE me being jealous of their financial success. I am and I’m not. I don’t resent them having money; I really dislike not being on an equal playing field with them. Sis is a snob of the worst kind–where did you buy that? You shop THERE? kind of stuff. Bro is someone who truly cannot see the world due to the blinding light he shines upon it. Neither of them know (and can’t really be expected to know, I guess) how expensive kids are, how expensive college is and how soul sucking and blighting unemployment is. Bro SHOULD know that last bit, but when he was broke and w/o a job, he called up Dad and… Sis should know about getting out from under major credit card debt, after all, she called up Dad and… And that with her primo job! :rolleyes:
Argh. I’m getting more pissed typing this. Best keep it simple and short. Can’t afford it etc. I really do resent the attempt at guilting me into this, though.
You should still tip off your dad, and you should still tell your bro not just that you can’t afford it, but that his scheme to spend his dad’s money is wrong.
Yeah–money we don’t even have yet! <shakes head>
Dangerosa and Pocito–while I’m sorry you both went through similar things, it’s nice to know that my family isn’t the only crazy messed up one out there.