So my Uncle and his aussie wife moved to Oz 8 yrs ago with her promise that when their eldest child was ready for school they would move back to his home country (Canada) so they could be close to his family.
So following their agreement this past yr as their eldest daughter is now 5 he sent out some resumes. Low and behold he was offered a fantastic job close to his parents and the company would even pay all their moving expenses. Excitedly he asked when she would be ready to move. Her response? She said she would leave him and take the kids if he went. This after 8 yrs of her reassuring him, lying to his 80 yr old mother’s face and even her own kids.
Everyone is devastated. His family live within 45 min of each other here and were all looking forward to being a part of the kids lives. They have 4 cousins here, 2 of which are their age, none in oz.
I cannot believe what a selfish bitch she is being. The worst part is that his parents are elderly and don’t have much time left to spend with the girls while hers are in their 50’s and can easily afford travelling. They have had 5 yrs of the kids and 8 yrs of him. Let us have our turn you selfish harpie.
A lot can change over 8 years. I agree she’s probably being a bit melodramatic by threatening to leave him and take the kids, but perhaps she’s decided that Austrailia is their home now?
I won’t say I agree with your auntie… since she’s been saying all along that they’d move to Canada to be closer to his family, eventually.
This being said, as an expat myself, there’s a HUGE gap between saying one will leave one’s country and actually DOING it. Hell, I just made the leap from Canada to the US which, frankly, is pretty wee… still, leaving home is extremely HARD. No matter why you do it, no matterhow, it’s REALLY REALLY HARD. Luckily, I can hop onto a plane or two, travel about 5 hours and get home to my family. Your auntie wouldn’t be able to do that.
Travel to and from Oz-Canada is extremely expensive. I can understand why it seems that suddenly she has changed her mind. When push comes to shove, even if you’ve been talking about it for YEARS, it’s a big jump. And it’s scary.
She would also be parachuted into a country she does not know, where she has no friends (sure, she has his family, but she doesn’t know them well either)… and this is EXTREMELY hard. I know your uncle did it first, by moving to Oz… but who knows what’s going on in her head.
I’m not saying she’s right - it IS a complicated matter, though. Such huge moves aren’t small things. They aren’t easy - logistically OR emotionally…
I wish them both luck, and hope they meet somewhere in the middle…
Thanks guys, the part that bothers me the most is how she lied all the way up til he got the job then changed her mind. She encouraged my elderly grandparents beliefs that they would have their son close by. That is cruel, she should have been upfront a long time ago if she felt so strongly.
Well, a good partner would compromise on this SOMEHOW. She should agree to a prescribed period of time, and then they can go back if she still wants to. Sounds like she wanted “Splitsville” already…she’s just using this as an excuse. I couldn’t just up and leave my husband, no matter how much I’d miss my family. 'Course, I’m not faced with the predicament, but I’m pretty sure we’d stick together.
Sorry to inform you, Mr Jim, but you don’t get a turn. You have no rights to their children, there is no ‘turn’ to have and there’s no requirement or obligation on the parents behalf to have any relative be part of their or their children’s lives. including the grandparents. Get a turn ?!? You make it sound like the kids are property, or a fun-park ride or something.
Where their family lives is entirely up to the two parents. How they resolve it is their business and your whole family should MYOB. She may be a complete bitch and never have intended to return, lying the whole time. Or she may have had a change of heart, new circumstances arose, marital difficulties, etc. You don’t know the details and the details aren’t your business. Let them sort it out themselves.
I never said there is anything horrible with wanting to know one’s extended family.
I personally don’t think it’s any of Mr Jim’s business where this related family reside. And I think phrasing a desire to have a certain type of contact with his second cousins (I think?) as “getting a turn” is horrible and smacks of entitlement. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time on a certain board concerned with in-law issues, and jumping to conclusions, but I would seriously like to know three things.
why Mr Jim thinks it’s any of his business
why Mr Jim is so sure he knows the facts of the matter
what he meant by that horrible “get a turn” phrasing.
Yes, I do look at family differently than some people, but it’s hardly a novel thing.
I frequent a message board that has many people who have had or almost had, their marriages torn apart by interfering, nosy, ‘entitled’, extended family members. This may be clouding my judgement, or influencing my opinion, but no more than those who have happy and respectful extended families and don’t understand how vile some families can be.
My vote still goes with Mr Jim butting out of it. It’s none of his business.
It’s my business when she hurts my grandparents. NO ONE, and I mean no one fucks around with them, not when one of them is in ill health and they are 80 and 90 respectively.
Yup, get a turn. Get a turn as in my uncle getting a turn to be with us. Us as in his side of the family. To play hockey. To experience winter. For his kids to aswell. Her words. Her arrangement. Her idea. He would never have gone there if they didn’t have this deal.
Otherwise, no it’s not my business if they split up (he’s considering) or whatever other than to provide support, which is why I’m venting on a message board and not phoning her and venting on auntie. That okay?
What I’m trying to get at is, how do you know she’s a lying harpie ?
Couldn’t circumstances have changed ? Couldn’t this be a joint decision to remain in Australia, yet your family is blaming her as the scapegoat, since she isn’t ‘real family’ ? What if the marriage was already rocky ? Why would the wife uproot herself and her family, when the marriage isn’t stable and move that far away ? What if the grandparents have been arseholes to their daughter-in-law ? Has anybody spoken with the lying harpie ? Has the lying harpie phoned your family, gloating that she led her husband on, and now is gleefully happy to rub it in that the aren’t moving to Canada ?
I’ve seen people turn on the ‘in-law’ all too often, when blame is usually spread equally between the couple.
And I’m not trying to stop you venting, or even be down on you for venting.
Just trying to see if from her side, and also give a really loud message that it is none of your business and no matter the outcome, it will only be worse if any of your family members stick their nose in.
I think you’re right: you have been spending too much time on that other board.
I’ll grant you that Auntie’s side of the story may differ from Mr Jim’s. But if Mr Jim’s relatives have actually expressed a wish to see Uncle again, and get to know these cousins, that’s hardly “vile”. Telling him how they think he should resolve the problem would be “sticking their nose in”. They just want to see a family member again, after eight years of counting on being able to do so. It sounds like they are a “happy and respectful extended family”.
I was probably jumping to conclusions somewhat, by assuming Mr Jim’s family were getting involved. From the amount of details Mr Jim had, that’s what it sounded like to me. And the ‘selfish harpie’ comment annoyed me, since I doubt Mr Jim knows the truth of the matter.
A happy and respectful extended family don’t label one of the family members as a “selfish harpie”, especially when they don’t know the details of the situation. I really hope the kids never hear their extended family calling their mother that particular gem.
He could have those details because the uncle shared them, not because people were prying. He said, “Everyone was devastated.” Devastated != involved.
Again, I understand what you’re saying. But I honestly don’t see how wanting to spend time with a family member who’s been halfway across the globe for eight years makes people “vile”.
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But why are you disregarding his side of it? His grandparents don’t have many years left in them; they may never get to see the cousins. Mr Jim said in the OP that Auntie lied to the kids about moving to Canada. Is she really the person you want to defend?
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Well, if they stay in Oz, they won’t get to hear their extended family say much of anything.
I don’t think wanting to spend time with family does make people “vile”. I never said that, so stop implying I did.
His grandparents may never see the grandchildren. That decision is in the parent’s hands. None of Nephew Jim’s business.
I would like to know howMr Jim knows that Auntie lied. I don’t believe he does know that at all.
Tell us, Mr Jim, have you spoken with Uncle directly ? Has he told you that his wife admitted lying to him and that she’ll never move to Canada ? Has he given you any reasons for this change of plan ?
Or have you just heard family gossip and decided on your own that Uncle is blameless and Auntie is a lying selfish harpie ?
Of course I talk to him directly on the phone cause that’s all we have right now. I don’t know what constitutes a difference between interference and support to you. I have never ever told him or his wife what to do. I have never even offered advice other than a warm ear. I can’t bloody ignore it when he wants to talk about it so I do what families do (or at least mine, I have no idea what kind of gossipy family you are on about) and I listen and comfort.
I would never insult a childs mother in their presence which is why I was using this message board. If you look through the Pit people use nasty terms all the time to vent anger. If you cannot comprehend the difference between venting and actually saying these things to her then maybe you do need a wee break.
All I can do now is be there for my uncle and my grandparents and stay in touch as best I can with my cousins.
