My husband wants to move

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve lived my whole life within a fifteen mile radius of my home town.
My whole family is here. I’m comfortable. I know all the back road…short cuts…best place to get a pizza(all the important stuff)

I’ve visited other cities and enjoyed myself, but I’m always happy to be home.
ok, here’s the story.
my husbands grandfather died recently and his grandmother lives a thousand miles away.
she’s in her 80’s.

he doesn’t want his eightysomething grandma to live alone. (i know…he’s a swell guy)
so, he wants to move to Terre Haute, Indiana to help his grandma.

his gramma has two daughters living within an hour of her. So she isn’t really alone.

i suggested that to him, but he said both of his aunts work full time and can’t be with her during the day.

i mentioned that he also works full time. He reminded me that I don’t work.

SO, here’s what he has in mind…
we move a thousand miles away from everyone i know and love so i can babysit a woman i never met. i only spoke to her twice on the phone, and she made it clear that she isn’t the president of my fan club. (she was polite about it, but very cold)

i said she could move here. He hates that idea.

I said if i wanted to move a thousand miles from home, I’d move to a better climate than Philadelphia.

I hate these kind of arguments. Neither of us is wrong.
he’s right to want to take care of his elderly gramma.

but my point are valid too. besides, i have two grammas here.

i’m not sure how i could look after an elderly woman and my two small children.

he says our youngest will be in kindergarten next year and i can still be with gramma during the day while she’s in school.

he says i’m just making excuses…the only reason i have for not going is that i don’t want to.

i don’t think that’s the case. i think my reasons are good enough.
oh well, I’m just venting.

2

are there any indiana dopers out there who can tell me wonderful things about terre haute?

3

Based on what I have seen from our Indiana dopers opinions of the state (Ai Yue specifically), don’t hold your breath for glowing reviews.

You say neato, check your libido, and roll to the church in your new tuxedo.

4

Mel, this is a serious issue. I think he’s taking his side as the “right” side just a little too much. Has he asked her whether she’d want you guys in town to care for her? Personally, I think his reasons are noble towards his grandmother but selfish towards his family (you guys). His focus should be on his immediate family: you and the kids.

Has he talked to the 2 aunts - if it’s their mom, she is their obligation first? It’s a little drastic to just up and move 1000 miles cross-country when there is family closer. He may be making an emotional decision; maybe things will calm down as time goes by. Does he truly have any idea how much work it is to move across country? Is he guaranteed a job there? Housing? I think he hasn’t given this enough thought.

Good luck, kiddo.

5

If the only reason you have for not wanting to move is purely not wanting to move, that’s just as valid a reason as any.

He sounds like a really great grandson, and I would probably tend to agree with him if there were no other family to help take care of her. However, since she has others who are nearer to her, I don’t see any reason to uproot your family when you’re happy where you are.

I would suggest that he call his grandmother and the family members who are closest to her to see what condition she’s in physically, what arrangements have already been made, etc. He could offer to spend some time with her making sure that her house is in good order, etc.

I’m sure there is a lot he could do to make sure she’s comfortable, but moving the entire family seems a bit drastic.

“I like toast.” :slight_smile:

6

I think he’s got a lot of nerve assuming that because you don’t work outside the home he can volunteer you to take care of a woman you don’t know, haven’t met, and who doesn’t like you.

What – does gramma have a lot of money and he’s hoping to collect on the inheritance or what?

This is a BAD idea all the way around. You’ll resent and regret it, and that will NOT do good things for your marriage and family life.

Just my two cents.

-Melin

Who is NOT Straight Dope Staff

Siamese attack puppet – California

7

I’ve been to Terre Haute. It’s so dull, it’s like being buried alive.

8

I grew up in Indiana. It’s a nice place to pass through, but I wouldn’t want to stop there (well, for more than a meal or two).

Also, it would concern me if my husband wanted to move me away from my life to a world where he would be the only one I would know. Does he resent your closeness to your family? Is he controlling and manipulative when it comes to you spending time with your family?

Not wanting to go is a wonderful reason for not going. His argument there sounds like an attempt to “guilt you into it”.

I admire his desire to care for his grandmother. It sounds very selfless and caring, but is separating you from all the other people in the world who love you selfless? You’re the one who has to make all the sacrifices here. Did you agree to be her primary caregiver, or was it just a given that you would? He sounds less selfless and more selfish to me. Sorry.

Good luck whatever you decide.

9

Forgot to say:
This arrangement sounds suffocating to me.
(But maybe that’s because I’ve been to Terre Haute.)
-Katy

10

no, his grandmother isn’t wealthy

Yes, he is guaranteed a job pretty much any where he decides to move. he works for a large company that cuts trees away from powerlines.

any part of the united states or canada that has trees and electricty, his company is there.

i told him if he wants to move so badly, let’s go south. Florida is constantly being hit by terrible storms! that’s a lot of overtime for him(trees blown into powerlines)! and we can go to the beach in December.

i’m hoping BunnyGirl is right that this is just an emotional reaction and it will pass when he has time to think things thru.

my husband is a good man, but he often thinks with his heart instead of his brain.

11

I too went through this about four years ago. After we’d been married eight-ish years my husband became dead set on moving - to the U.S.A. (we live in Ontario, Canada).

He said he was sick of our winters, high income taxes, bilingualism (as Canada’s Capital the bilingualism is mandatory on EVERYTHING), and as a Carpenter he was fed up of the lack of work, and a list of other reasons.

I must point out that I’m an army brat and while growing up we moved every 2-3 years up until I left home at age 20. I was adament about not moving around as an adult and have tried to make it quite clear.

I reminded him (hubby) that he’s known I would not be willing to move pretty much from day one. It still got to a point that I said that I wouldn’t hold him back but I would not being joining him. Now, don’t get me wrong, I never said this in a threatening “or else” way.

The arguments only got worse after that. He said things like: I was wrong, unwilling to bend, just plane wrong and un-bending. I pointed out that just because we differed on our feelings didn’t make me wrong and him right. All in all I’d have to say things were strained for close to two years but I couldn’t do it, not even for him.

So what happened? Oddly enough we were eventually able to discuss it openly and honestly. Even though I didn’t agree to the move I did compromise by agreeing to give it two years and have an open mind when the time came for this discussion again.

I hate to admit this but I basically said what he wanted to hear. I didn’t have any intention of being open-minded but figured it would buy me enough time for the whole thing to pass. I know, not very nice of me, but I think it saved us from divorcing right then and there.

Now: We are both working (at the same company no less) in a steady job after having gone back to school for High Tech careers.

And moving: As I was hoping, the idea of moving hasn’t come up again. Would I go? The answer to that question, I’m afraid, is still NO.

And finally, what’s my point? Well, basically, I just want to stress - stick to your guns. Do what you want because you’ll only resent him, his grandmother, and yourselft if you don’t. You have to live inside your head and negative thoughts/feelings only eat away at your happiness. But please, talk about it. Communication is key and a husband and wife should be able to talk about anything. Even if they don’t agree.

12

A couple of stories:
[ul][li]My grandmother lived by herself 1000 miles away for 20-some years. We visited as often as possible. When she got to be 80, my dad (her only child) moved her to our town, but in an apartment of her own. He stopped by to see her most days, as did my siblings and I. We had her over at least one a week for dinner.[/li][li]My wife’s grandmother (also in her 80’s) has lived by herself for several years. Her two daughters have lived within a few miles of her all this time. They visit often.[/ul][/li]
My point?

It doesn’t take full-time attendance to care for an elderly loved one. Your aunts-in-law probably visit or can visit often enough to take care of her needs. She also probably has friends and neighbors that can check on her.

Your husband is being overly-reactive to her situation. Plus being rather selfish and presumptive. He wants to help her, but then assigns you to be the caregiver, also forgetting that someone needs to care for your kids.

Has he even asked her if she wants or needs help? And being as you’re not her favorite granddaughter-in-law (for some reason, since you’ve never met), would she really like being cared for by you?

Just because someone turns 80 doesn’t mean they turn instantly feeble. If her health does go south, a retirement home would be much better for her than a relative that also has to watch after 2 little kids.

Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You’ll find it an effective combination.

13

In a nutshell, you get to sacrifice your friends, your family, your childrens social circles and their relationships to the family nearby so you can take care fo an old lady you dont even know.

Is there really a question here?
If you agree to do this, you will be bitter and insane in about a week. And if you entertain this any further than just humoringyour husband…well, you are a moron. ( sorry, but I am in a blunt mood)

You cant be expected to give up your whole life to go care for someone you dont even know! Tell hubby to go for a visit, give her a bath and change her diaper…then when he gets home, the two of you can discuss nursing homes.

She might not need that type of care right now, but she will someday, and who will get to give it? YOU!

His responsibility to her is minimal. She is NOT his mother, and she has children who are supposed to look after her , NOT him.

Dont do this thing, its got BAD IDEA all over it.

luck to you,
kelli

14

*MLAW: I too went through this about four years ago. After we’d been married eight-ish years my husband became dead set on moving - to the U.S.A. (we live in Ontario, Canada). *

<just-joking>
If the issue ever comes up again, MLAW, let him know the truth: WE AMERICANS DON’T LIKE CANADIANS! We don’t trust you. Why are 90% of you within 100 miles of our border? Why is your beer in green bottles? What the hell a kilometer?

We’ve caught several of your spies: Michael J. Fox, Alex Trebek, William Shatner, Bryan Adams. We reprogrammed them to be entertainers. If you come, you could be the next Vanna White.
</just-joking>

Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You’ll find it an effective combination.

15

I believe he is a good man. I’m sorry to imply otherwise. It sounds like he really cares about his Grandma. But I’m curious as to why doesn’t he want to move her to you? You said he hates that idea. Why? Does he want to move anyway, and this is a good excuse? There must be a logical reason in his mind that makes him think that moving 4 people to Terre Haute is better than moving 1 person to your town. I would follow up with him on that.

Actually, Indiana isn’t that bad, but the weather sucks.

16

I have to agree with everyone else-- it sounds like a bad idea. Just wanted to give some moral support. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to go. Besides, you should be one of the last options for taking care of Granma, not the first.

17

I agree with everyone here. That’s all I wanted to say.

I feel like such a ditto head

18

Shirley Ujest – you’re about the last person who should feel like a ditto head. (Isn’t that what Limbaugh fans call themselves? Ewww.)

Ditto here too.

I’m married to a nice guy too, and I know lots more nice guys, but none of them would uproot their families in order to be closer to a grandparent.

Would your husband be amenable to a visit? Just to see how you and grandma get along? And if he hasn’t been in Terre Haute for awhile, check it out as well. Could be today’s reality won’t match yesterday’s memories. (Yech, did I just say that? On the Board? Double yech.)

19

I am going to have to play devil’s advocate just a little bit here. I tend to agree with the others, but there are a few things worth considering.

  1. I would imagine that the reason you fell in love with and married your husband is because he is the type of man who would move a thousand miles to help out his granny. Unfortunatly, often the charecteristics we love someone for turn out to be two edged.

  2. If you do go out there, it would not have to be forever. You could set a time limit, one or two years, and get your husband’s clear agreement that after that time the family would come back home, * no exceptions *. This has a lot of advantages. You could rent out the house, not sell it, you wouldn’t feel like it was such a drastic, irrevocable step, and if it is horrible you know when it will stop. I haven’t ever been anywhere that I couldn’t live for a year. If you did this you would need to work out in advance exactly what would happen at the end of the time period–either get firm commitment from other family members that they would take over, or spend that year or two trying to find a retirement comunity that Granny likes–this is something that could well take a whole year, because it needs to be done slowly and carefully, not one weekend in a hurry because no one is nearby. Some of those places are horrible, and you would want to make multiple visits to several differenent canidates. And make sure Granny knows the plan as well.

  3. The care Granny needs may not be that onerous. When my grandmother was about that age she didn’t need a babysiter: she needed someone to take her to the grocery store once a week, someone to take her to doctor’s appointments, someone to mow the grass, drive her to church, repair things around the house. If she is just widowed she may also need someone to take over the finaces–many women of that generation never learned how to take care of the bills, and it can be overwhelming to try and learn at 80. Most of these things are things your husband can do, or that y’all can do together as a family. You will not have to go be her best friend–presumably she already has friends in town. However, before you go you and your husband need to decide exactly what you are going to do should her health begin to fail. Decide things in advance, when you are thinking clearly. “If she becomes incontinent, then we get a nurse for during the day” The big one is to make sure that your husband is willing to accept it should she eventually get too ill to remain at home. He needs to start playing with the idea now, so that it dosn’t come out of left field later.

That said, I think there could be a lot of advantages to spending a year in Indiana.

  1. It would be good for the kids. Culture shock is almost always a positive experience. They will be exposed to different types of people, food, language, schools. Furthermore, they will get a chance to know there great grandma before she dies–who knows what she can teach them? Lastly, your kids will see you and your husband doing a good thing even when it is neither easy nor convienient, and that is the type of thing that sticks with a kid for the rest of their life.

  2. It might be good for you. As sympathtic as I am to loving one’s hometown, change is good. When one has to reconfigure one’s life, find new friends, new grocery stores, new routines, it, for want of a better descriptiopn, builds charecter. It forces one to reevaluate all the old ways one did things. It’s like a reboot on the psyche. And it’s not too painful if you know you are gonig back home in a year or two, because then you don’t really have to say good bye to anything in your own life.

  3. It might be good for your husband. He may miss his grandmother and wants to spend some time with her in these last years. And a year or two in Indiana now is worth it if it keeps him from feeling guilty for the next fifty.

  4. If you let him be the type of man who will take care of his sick relitives, he will be the type of man that wants you to do whatever it takes to take care of your sick realitives when the time comes. This sounds cold, but if your mama breaks her hip in thirty years and you want her to come stay with you, you want your husband to be happy and positive about the idea, not sullen and resigned.

20

Sounds like a bad deal for you.