Seriously. I know you’ve made the offer to her because she’s your mother and you think you have to make the offer. I know this.
But we’re talking about the woman who, when you were sixteen, packed all your things up, put them on the porch, and told you to get out because you’d dared stand up for yourself. Grandma is the woman who told you when your second step-father, the man you’d called “Dad” the longest, put a shotgun in his mouth and blew his brains out that he’d done it because of you. That’s right. You’ve just invited the woman who blamed you for someone else’s suicide to live with you.
The woman for whom nothing you can do is good enough, despite the fact that you’re the only one of her daughters* who has managed to raise two kids who have gone on to college without having children of their own out of wedlock or being arrested for drugs**, who has remained married to her husband for 40+ years***, but she’s going to convince you that you’re still not good enough.
You didn’t ask me for my opinion, so I can’t give it to you. So instead I’ll share with Dopers who will probably find something wrong in what I’ve said above, thereby giving me something to think about other than what a stupid mistake you’re making!****
So far, my uncles and their children seem to be doing relatively well, at least now. Earlier in both their relationships, not so much. However, I stand by the statement I have made many times: I don’t need Jerry Springer. All I have to do is call my mother up and ask how her siblings and their children are doing.
** There is nothing inherently wrong with having children out of wedlock. In fact, two of the three cousins who have done this appear to be wonderful mothers who do everything they can to make sure their children are getting a good upbringing. It is my grandmother who has a problem with this, not me. On the other hand, I have a problem with the cousin who was selling drugs and driving under the influence with her small children in the car.
*** Which is way better than my grandmother managed, although she and the man who I knew as my grandfather would be very close to that if he hadn’t died.
**** Yes, yes, who am I to judge. Maybe things will magically be better than they’ve ever been before. Please don’t expect me to hold my breath in the hopes this will be true.
I’m not clear how old your grandmother is, or what kind of health she is in or what her prognosis looks like. (Note: You certainly don’t have to share any of that information–especially if you are venting more than looking for advice). Nor do I know what your mother’s age, health etc. are.
But I agree with you. I know, from my own grandmother’s deterioration, as well as from other people I know dealing with their own elderly parents, that it is COMMON for persons who in younger years were polite, loving parents to become profane, abusive shells as they age and their health declines. Also, persons in declining health often develop problems recognizing loved ones and calling them by their correct names.
This can be very hard emotionally on the loved one, who is trying to repay years of love, by caring for the elderly loved one.
So for your mom to set up a caregiving relationship with someone who has been abusive to her while she was in good health and (presumably) in her right mind? Strikes me as a very bad idea. I hope your mother thinks better of it–or your grandma refuses. There are distinct advantages to paid caregivers.
Oh, right. I actually did mean to mention some health stuff in the post, thanks for reminding me:
Grandma is a sprightly 79 years old. As far as I know, her only health problem is high blood pressure. She moves around great, (fr ex, she still spends all day on her feet when we go to Disneyland).
It’s not really a health issue, exactly. I just think my 61-year-old mother feels guilty because my grandmother has been renting a woman’s basement to live in.
Yeah. She’s having second thoughts (or so she tells me via text message). I don’t know if grandma has answered yet.
One of these days your mom will stop seeking her mother’s love and approval.
And I know she didn’t ask you for your opinion, but as her loving daughter, I think you are obligated to offer it anyway. If she came to you and said, “Coyote, I got this wonderful e-mail from a man in Nigeria who wants to give me $10 million to help him close out his bank account!” would you say, “Mmmkay, mom,” or would you try to stop her?
She’s about ready to give herself a whole lot of grief and heartache. Unless she likes feeling like a martyr, she needs to stay out of it. Her mother was a bitch, let her own the rewards of being a bitch.
Ah, but don’t you see how sweet the setup is here? All granny has to do is bitch about something just once and your mom can pack up her things, put them on the porch, and tell her to get out.
But yeah, in all seriousness, it’d probably have been better not to even get into the situation to begin with.
I do plan to talk to my mother about this. I need to think about it first, because otherwise the first thing out of my mouth will be something along the lines of “What the Hell were you thinking?” which isn’t going to be conducive to dialogue, you know?
Then, if your mom does let BitchGrandma move in, you have two options. Stay out of it completely (she made her bed, she can lie in it), or get all in BitchGrandma’s face for being an ungrateful old hag.
What kind of relationship do you have with BitchGrandma, anyway?
I’m sure your mother knows quite well what she may be getting herself into. Personally, I’d stay the hell out of it. Truthfully, it’s really none of your business.
But if you do decide to have a conversation with your mother about it, I’d approach it from the standpoint of how it might affect you, which you obviously do have a right to control. If she does decide to let her mother move in, I suggest you make it perfectly clear to her that, although you love her very much, and would otherwise be willing to be an ear or a shoulder or whatever in any other situation, in this one you just can’t. You’re very sorry, but while you respect her right to make her own decisions and deal with whatever the consequences may be, you simply cannot allow yourself to be sucked into the emotional drama that is likely to ensue. Please do not come to you crying when grandma becomes abusive again. It really wouldn’t be fair to drag you into what you already know will be a bad situation.
Seriously, no matter what else happens, you need to protect yourself from the fallout, hard as that may be.
I spoke with She-Who-Is-All-Knowing-About-Family-Business at lunch (in other words, my sister). Apparently, grandma is pressuring Mom to let her move in by saying she has no place else to go. My father is also opposed to GM moving in with them, but in the interest of marital peace I doubt he’s said anything to my mother.
My mother has four siblings, at least two of whom also have sufficient living space for grandma to be with them instead.
Shayna, that’s very good advice, and I plan to take it. According to the sibl, Mom’s trying not to let grandma move in, so she is asking for my “help.” I haven’t had a chance to talk with her yet.
ivylass, not a close one. I seldom see or talk to her except when she and I are both at my parents’ home for a vacation or birthday.
While I can see where your concern is coming from, I think I can also see where your mom is. My SO and I are in the process of moving, because of a job change. We have decided to look for a house big enough for the 2 of us AND my parents. Currently my parents don’t need a place, but I see it coming up within a couple of years. I love my parents, but I have to work hard to get along with them for more then 4 or 5 days at a time. So why am I doing this? Because these are my parents. That’s what family (both the ones we are born to and the ones we build) does. They give what help they can. Thankfully, my SO and I have the luxury of looking into buying a duplex, so no murders should occur.
Do your parents have the option of looking for a nearby apartment for Grandma? Or creating an in-law suite in the basement? Something to give her her own space (and let your parents have theirs?)
You alternate between that and “She’ll make your life hell” while Mom blithers and rationalizes and justifies, and eventually you’ll make Mom so angry she’ll take it out on Grandwitch.
Seriously? If your mother wants help, you have to help her. Tell your dad he has to stand up and just say no. Refuse to bring the kids to visit if Grandwitch moves in. (Do you have kids?)
Just keep telling her, “You don’t want do to this, and you don’t have to do this.”
