Thisexcellent thread just validated to me that it is not acceptable for a loved one to openly criticize your partner, except in cases of possible abuse or criminality. In my case, the offending party is my mother, who has never accepted my wife and has never made it a secret to me that she does not like her and should not have to be nice to her. And when I tell her that such ‘honesty’ is not helpful, my mother just says “we’re Italian, we always say it like it is” and “she is just your wife, but I am your mother.”
This has been going on for 13 years now, and has cycled in between periods when I won’t have any contact with my mother, to periods of relative reconciliation which start out with my mother mostly behaving herself, but break down again when she slowly reverts back to her old behavior. Each time that we reconcile, it is because I have decided to give her another chance, thinking it will be better this time. I know that I am just a sucker for punishment, but part of me really wants to have a happy family, and I miss having my mother in my life. Perhaps that’s Italian… 
Anyway, my wife and I now have a 20 month old daughter, and my mother has yet to see her, partly because of another freeze that happened soon after she was born. Things thawed again, and we started discussing a visit, but now seem that they are on their way down.
I am seeing a therapist to sort out some depression problems arising from my family problems, among other things. One of the things my therapist has said (and is echoed by several friends that I have spoken to) is that it is not necessary for me to break off complete contact with my mother just because she is not accepting my wife, particularly since breaking off with my mother is making me unhappy. However, it is also not reasonable to expect my mother and wife to get along. So the solution is for me to have a separate relationship with my mother, and not to force either of them on the other. Of course in that relationship I also have the right to tell my mother not to speak about my wife if it cannot be nice things.
I am open to that idea, and so is my wife. It is not ideal of course, but might be a workable solution. The problem now is my daughter. My mother wants to see her granddaughter, but given our unpleasant history and my mother’s refusal to accept my wife, my wife feels my mother has forfeited that right. I tend to agree with my wife on this, as it seems to me that both parents need to agree on policies regarding the children. However, I was surprised that my therapist actually thinks that I should be able to take my daughter to see her grandmother, without my wife. I know that it is just one opinion, but I was sort of surprised to hear that from her. FWIW, my therapist is a woman in her 50s with children of her own.
In any case, I thought I would see what people here thought about the issue. Does my mother have a right to see her granddaughter while excluding my wife? I should add that there is no risk of any harm to the child as I imagine my mother will be crazy about her, her first grandchild. That said, I would not put it past my mother to (eventually) say bad things about my wife to my daughter, as she already has to other members of the family.
” waaaaay too many times (the uncle is in the other side, the grandma is my mother). A child’s life is complicated enough without adding mean grownups to it.