You’re retired. You can afford to move somewhere else (you may even NEED to, to a place that’s more affordable than where you currently are). The new place has more congenial weather, or better transportation, or better cultural opportunities, or whatever. It’s better than where you are in almost all ways.
Life is gonna be great.
EXCEPT: all your family is staying put. Most of your friends are as well (maybe some of them already moved to the same area). But you can always make more friends.
Life will be great for a few years. Then you get sick, or your spouse dies, or whatever, and you cannot manage on your own any more.
Who will help you out?
What other things do you debate when considering such a move?
Note: we had parents who were the ones who moved and in recent years, it’s been a burden. On the other hand, WE are considering doing something like that (though in the opposite direction!). But in our case it’s wise, not selfish, right??
My mother-in-law is 82; she and her husband (my wife’s stepfather) live about a half-hour away from us, here in suburban Chicago, and about 15 minutes away from her other daughter.
About 20 years ago, when MIL was nearing retirement age, she was very interested in moving somewhere else, that would be “beautiful,” once she retired – she was considering places in Colorado, and New Mexico. And, she was under the belief that, if she and her husband moved there, that her two daughters, and their families, would do so, as well.
At that time, my wife related to me a conversation that she had with her mother:
Wife: “You seriously want to move halfway across the country from us?”
MIL: “Well, of course not…I’d want you to come along!”
Wife: “I don’t know that we would. Kenobi’s job is here, and it’s not like there are a lot of advertising jobs in Taos.”
MIL: (incredulous) “Well, why does he have to do that kind of job? Tell him to find a different job, that he can do in New Mexico!”
I’m not kidding about any of that; she seriously believed that, if she moved, her family would, of course, move there with her. I’ve known my MIL for 34 years; she is, honestly, just that selfish. Frankly, I don’t know if her husband really wanted to move, either, but she would absolutely have bullied him into it.
She wound up not moving, and I have to believe that it was, in part, because she finally figured out that we weren’t about to uproot our lives to follow.
I hope responsible adults wouldn’t be depending on family and friends to take care of them. Why should it be their burden? I wouldn’t want to have people I care about assume any duties of care for me, if I were left alone and needing care when I’m older. Hey, come and visit if you want, but don’t expect to do my laundry or wash my dishes or help me take a bath.
I understand (at least I think I do) that a lot of families don’t think that way. Parents sacrifice so their kids can have a good life, and then they expect them to return the favor later on. Doesn’t that ignore that their kids have kids of their own, and so on down the line? When multi-generational families lived together, that kind of thing made some sense, but how many decades has it been since that was the case? I’m sorry if the OP’s parents who moved away are now a burden, that just doesn’t make sense to me. If you want to move away from your children, go ahead. Just don’t nag them to visit more often than they want to, and don’t expect them to drop their lives and come running when you need help.
We thought we might move back to New Jersey, but after a visit decided not to because of the weather in great part. We still have friends there. Our kids are not nearby, and will probably move anyway, so we wouldn’t move close to them.
Plus, we see our friends here spend a lot of time babysitting grandkids because of the cost of childcare. I’d love to see my grandkids more, but not that much more.
When my mother-in-law died we asked my father-in-law if he wanted to move out here, but he refused because he had too many friends back east. He eventually moved into a retirement community which worked out great. Support system, friends, even a new girlfriend. So I’d probably want to do that and not be a burden.
This is exactly what I did. I lived all my life in Chicago, and all my family and friends (except for the ones I’d made over the years from attending conventions) lived there. When I started considering retirement, it was obvious that there was no way I could afford to live in Chicago on my pension.
However, after my wife had died I had made a friend online who lived in North Carolina. I had started visiting her with some frequency. I liked the area, particularly the weather (no more shoveling snow!) and the cost of living was such that I could afford to live on my pension, savings, and the proceeds from selling my house.
I did get some pushback from some friends and family on the move. However, I did plan on returning to Chicago several times a year to attend conventions and at Christmas, as well as keeping in touch by phone and, later, by getting a FaceBook account.
In recent years there have been some concerns because of my health issues, but my local friend knows how to contact my family and friends and has my medical power of attorney. So I think we’ve got everything covered.
My problem is that the majority of my family has died and I stand a good chance of not only outliving the very few left of my generation but also the next generation (2 out of 4 nieces/nephews already deceased, the remaining two having serious heart defects. Thanks, bad genes and crappy dice rolls!). In other words… what family? And those that are remaining, the nearest is already 500 miles away.
With some health issues of my own this year I’ve been relying on local friends and a community institution for help. Because that’s one thing I would do if I re-located - try to make new friends immediately.
Actually, my long-term plan is, in fact, to move to another state to move in with other childless/few family friends to pool our resources and look out for each other. Probably not a perfect solution, either.
It’s what my wife and I did. When we left Alaska, my brother and sister and their kids were still there. My wife’s relatives lived elsewhere. We left because the idea of those long winters were daunting, especially since we didn’t own all the winter “toys” that keep most folks entertained up there. We moved again 12 years later to be near my kids and some of the wife’s relatives.
Yeah - I can’t imagine this mindset. We are fortunate to be pretty well set for retirement. When/if the money runs out, well, we economize, or say good bye.
We’re reasonably generous with our kids and will likely leave them something, but we’ve told them our intended gift is to maintain our health and financial independence such that we will never be a burden on them. As they see their friends’ parents expecting to be supported by their kids, I think our kids appreciate our approach.
Just this morning we were discussing relocating. (a friend is in NC right now scoping out retirement possibilities.) We’ve lived in the Chicago area all of our lives. No, it is not perfect for any number of reasons - but what place is? My main interests are gardening, playing music, and golfing. Sure, I could garden and meet folk to golf am dmake music with anywhere - but the friends I have here are pretty great, so why dump them? Meanwhile, we are 20 minutes from O’Hare, from which we can get a direct flight to just about anywhere. I also have a sister and BIL, and a dtr and her family w/in 10 minutes. The other 2 kids live in Denver - but I don’t love Denver enough to move there.
10 or so years ago another sister who lived in our same town moved to Florida. Her kids had moved and they said there was no reason to stay here. Really went over well with my sister and me and our spouses! ;).
What I think would be perfect is if we could rent a place somewhere warmer for Jan-Feb, maybe March. Chicago really isn’t that bad April-Dec. If we renter instead of bought, we could winter in a different location each year.
Another thing is politics. As ugly as things have gotten, there are huge red swathes where I would not be comfortable putting down roots.
Yeah, if I were totally rich, I could imagine retiring to SoCal or Hawaii. But, instead, we’ll just have to be satisfied with visiting such places when we wish.
When my in-laws retired, they just kind of showed up here, and then my MiL invited her sister to move here and now I have three old people I have to take care of. I’m also stuck here, I had wanted to take another posting overseas, but nope, dinner with old folks with whom I have nothing in common.
If an older person maintains strong relations with their child throughout their lives such that, when the parent gets extremely old the child doesn’t mind helping them out - maybe combining errands with them or something - that is cool. Maybe stop by or call periodically, or invite them for dinner or just to hang. But in this age of on-line shopping and Uber, I’m not sure why an older person ought to EXPECT a loved one to take care of them.
It seems that in many respects - including elder care - we no longer espouse the idea that one ought to strive to not be a burden on others.
They lived in Arkansas near my MiL’s parents. When their parents died and the in-laws retired, they said they were going do some traveling, maybe rent in a few different places, but they never did that. Instead they started looking at houses about 90 minutes outside of DC and bought one. They have a son, but chose to move here instead of near him. Again, no one asked me if I wanted to live here until they die, I was interviewing for a job in Kenya when they showed up.
Do you know any old people? Tomorrow I am going to hang a new shower curtain for my mother. It’s simply too dangerous a task for her. There’s a lot of things that need a stronger grip / better balance. Right now, it’s the odd task every once in a while: she prizes her independence. But I’m also there to keep an eye on her cognitive decline, which she can’t do and isn’t aware enough of to ask a paid helper to do.
As to why expect family or friends—someone you pay will do the job, but will they go the extra mile? Will they choose your extra needs over their other paid work? Family will go above and beyond because that’s what families do. (Though as a childless only child without tremendous savings, my plan is… hope I don’t need help. You can guess how well that will work out.)
I think it’s the opposite. Not being a burden is a newer idea. However, my idea of when the old days days ended may be farther in the past than yours.
Everything in this thread is extremely dependent on varying family dynamics. And I’d ask what kind of sacrifices the non-burden parents make for their children. If the parents went hungry so their kids could eat, it might not be the highest moral choice for their children to move away. But if the parents gambled away the money that would have prevented need for college loans, it can look different.
If your children want to help, maybe you earned it. I see no reason to be repeatedly saying you don’t want to be a burden.
This. It is one of the main roles of families — taking care of each other. Sorry, but that’s how it is for the majority of human beings. In my family, which doesn’t even get along with each other all that great, my oldest sister is caring for our dad, who is 96. He also has a live in caregiver, but my sister is the one who takes him out to see stuff, takes him to the doctor, pays his bills, manages the tradespeople, etc. Who is going to do that for you? And my dad does have enough money to hire that live-in cook, cleaner, helper – will you?
I’m of the age where my friends are increasingly taking care of their spouses as they slip into dementia, or become chronically or fatally ill – do you think the state does those things for people?
When we retired we moved across the country to be near our daughter and her spouse, not because we needed care (yet) but because we wanted to be near them. . The condo was inherited by my daughter’s spouse when her mother died of cancer – her mother moved here to be with her after SHE retired as well. They moved in with her and took care of her until she passed last fall.
Everyone I know who has family they are even on speaking terms with does this. I have a friend who doesn’t have family, who has to drive herself to radiation appointments five days a week next month. She lives five states away so I can’t do that for her. That is her problem: no family.
I didn’t used to think this way. Then I got old, and so did my friends. Now I have a better understanding.
Now that so many people are not having children, I wonder what will become of them, when they need help. Like Robert Frost said, “home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” This is still true.
Why does everyone assume their experiences is “how it is for the majority of human beings”?
I don’t think I know ANYONE who is the primary caregiver for elderly parents.
How would that work anyway? My wife and I work full time jobs and raise our kids. The only reason I don’t have to pay someone to take care of my kids during the day is I can still work from home. So how would that work caring for an old person who may need special care?
It costs about $300,000 to raise a child. That buys a lot help after a few decades of compounding interest.
In the old days the woman was expected to take care of the kids and the old people if needed. No longer. I’d never expect either of my daughters to take care of me, they both have careers. I’d like to follow the family tradition of being fine and then dying fast, but I’d rather use their inheritance for care rather than to force them to be my nurse.
We brought them into the world and so we supported them and paid for college. We’re even, I’m not expecting repayment.