When is the appropriate time to ask my aging mother to move closer to family?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Or me basically.

She’s 70 and in good health. She’s on no medication and gets around just fine. Although, she does tire easily. Which is understandable.
My concern is, she lives way the hell out, away from any family. What happens if she gets hurt? Who is going to take care of her? My concern is compounded by the fact that she lives in an area prone to hurricanes.
Anyway, I would really love it if she would just sell her house and move closer to me or my sister.

Money is not an issue. She is fairly wealthy.

So, IDK. Is it too early to worry about this stuff? Or is NOW the time to talk about it with her?

2

It’s entirely appropriate right now. But I suspect that if her health is good she won’t see any reason to introduce that rather radical step. You should still broach the subject for no other reason than to let her know it’s an option she can be aware of.

3

I would broach the topic subtly. “You know, if you lived closer we could spend more time together”.

But I’d be prepared for a “Nope, not interested” reply, and I’d accept it.

4

That’s a large thing to ask from someone who’s still fully functional. There’s no reason to not bring it up (“Have you ever considered moving closer to us?”), but if she’s well-grounded in local community/been in that house for a while, it’d be an uphill battle.

5

Brining up the subject subtly now is fine - but if you mean actually asking her to move-nope, not until her current living situation becomes an actual burden on you . To some extent that’s going to depend on how far “way the hell out” is as well as what kind of help she needs. Is it 20 miles or 2000? Does she need help with grocery shopping or is she unable to feed or bathe herself?

6

I have no answers, but two thoughts. The first is that living alone is more problematic once a person is frail enough to have what medical insurance codes call “unsteady gait.” The other is that if money is no object, she could arrange to have live in or daily drop in help, if she doesn’t want to move.

If it were me, I’d discus, not the idea of her moving closer to me soon, but thoughts of the indefinite future, and what sort of arrangements she would prefer under what circumstances. It’s possible that there are things you are doing already to reassure yourself of her wellbeing - calling regularly, for instance. You could discuss what signs might call for other measures. You could express relief that she’s so well and doesn’t need to make any changes now. It’s just that you love her and can’t help thinking about the future.

I’m reminded of an article describing a wifi rice cooker available in Japan that can be given to elderly relatives. It messages the children every time it is used, just saying that it’s being used. Since rice is cooked at least daily, the children are reassured without seeming to hover over their parent.

That particular item would probably not be of use to either of you, but it shows that there are different levels of oversight available. As for when to have the discussion, it’s always an easier discussion to have when there’s no urgency to it. If you start now, there’s no rush to come to a conclusion. She can brush it off and maybe think about it later, without it mattering.

7

If your mom has an active social life and friends close by she may not want to give that up. It’s harder to made friends when you’re older. You could suggest your mom getting Lifeline if you’re worried about her falling and getting hurt. If your mom did move closer to her family would people find the time to visit her? I had a neighbor that had an active social like and her family had her move in with her daughter. My neighbor end up moving back home b/c she felt lonelier living with her daughter . She told everyone was so busy that had no time for her . If your mom doesn’t want to move closer to family I hope you’ll respect this. I was a health aide and know how importance it’s for some elderly people to keep their lifestyle .

8

Speak to her of your concerns, openly and honestly. Ask her what her ideal end game looks like. What she’s seen her friends face, the choices they made etc. Tell her you are motivated only by your love for her and desire to see her happy and well, and get the ending she hopes for.

70 seems early to me, to propose such changes, if she’s still in good health, but it’s never too soon to open a dialogue. In fact, there are great advantages to having this conversation well before such decisions need be made. For both of you.

If she is open to, one day, only if necessary, moving to assisted living, find out where she’d prefer, near her home or yours. Then, put her on the waiting lists at a few places near to wherever she chooses. It can take several years to move up, at the last minute rarely ends in the preferred location. It’s easy to decline a bed, not so easy to find one. Something to consider anyway.

Good Luck!

9

In my experience, it can take years for someone to come to this decision, so the earlier the better. I wish we had done that with my parents.

My MIL made the move from Iowa to Florida relatively early, to live near my SIL. I think the transition was much easier for her to do at that age than it would be now.

10

The answer is “right now.”

Regrettably, if she’s like my mother, she won’t do it. My mother’s decision to remain in my hometown as the only member of the family within three hours’ drive of any other member of the family because that’s where her golf and bowling leagues are is sensationally idiotic, and yet, there she is.

Believe me, we tried. I wrote probably the most heartfelt letter I have ever written laying out why we wantd her to live closer to us, and to her grandchildren, but, hey, she knows the people at her bingo! It’s insane and I could list the insanities all day (she complains about not seeing her grandkids enough, for instance. I wonder what would fix that?)

[QUOTE=purplehearingaid]
It’s harder to made friends when you’re older.
[/QUOTE]

No, it’s not. It’s EASIER to make friends once you’re older. Once you’re retired you have little else to do but make friends. You have lots of time for activities that interest you, which is a natural way to make friends.

True story; rather than moving down here, my mother moved into a condo that’s too big for her in her hometown. And yes, she trotted out the “All my friends are here, how can I make new friends?” argument. (All her children and grandchildren, however, are here.) That was last year.

A few months ago she was talking about all the new friends she’d made in her condo building. Hell, they’ve started two card nights and a pickleball league. Um, so making new friends isn’t so hard, huh, Mom? Why couldn’t you do the same damn thing here?

Her plan is to only move closer when she’s very old and sick and needs our help. When her mother was sick and needed HER help, she complained about it basically every waking hour of every day.

11

She will know when it is time, and the idea will occur to her without your help.

But it would not hurt to casually ask her if she has ever thought about how and where she would live in her declining years. I bet she has already thought about the options. Whether or not she would disclose to you what she is thinking is up to her.

Aging people still like to think of themselves as proudly independent, and don’t like it very much when people try to direct their lives. When they get past that point, they will let you know.

12

“End game”?
“Declining years”?

13

If she is anything like my parents, she won’t even think of moving until she falls and ends up in the hospital (which will happen).

I’d broach the subject now, and keep on her until some (hopefully minor) accident convinces her it’s time.

14

Re

In the vast majority of these scenarios the re-location issue is largely driven by limited intra-family resources vs the care an aging person would need. In this case you have a healthy, alert, financially comfortable (wealthy) 70 year old. Why in the world is her decision to live where she wants any substantive concern of yours if she has the resources to take care of herself where she chooses to live?

If I was a healthy, alert, wealthy 70 year old and my kids were bothering me to move closer because… hurricanes? Really? I’d tell them to re-fill their anxiety meds and leave me alone.

15

I really doubt this. There are too many tales of parents refusing to acknowledge that they need help; my in-laws are a good example.

We’re closest geographically, and we live a thousand miles away. MIL nearly died because her health was going downhill so badly and she forbade her husband to tell any of the adult kids about it. She was having trouble walking even a few steps yet screamed at FIL for bringing her a walker. My sister-in-law finally went down for a visit and was horrified at how ill MIL looked. She used the term “gray” and I don’t mean her hair. SIl finally got things sorted out; ultimately MIL was diagnosed with a cause for the weakness but we don’t think she’d have lasted long enough if SIL hadn’t gotten her hospitalized when she did.

16

Okay dude. :rolleyes:

17

70 might be a bit early (sez the guy who is almost there) but not too early to start the conversation. I convinced my parents to move by pointing out that prior to their generation (at least in our family), it was expected that the elderly lived near or with their children.

That seemed to help overcome the fear of being a burden, intrusion, whatever…

ETA my parents were 92 and 85 before they moved - about the same age as their grandparents when they moved in with kids.

18

In my family it’s gone both ways. And the ones that refuse to address their problems died earlier than they had to. Of course, most of them were avoiding the doctor, too, so that didn’t help.

19

I would say start the conversation. You don’t have to ask her to move, but just ask what she is thinking.

We moved closer to our daughter when my husband started to become more frail. I was in my early 60s and in good health, he is about fifteen years older and has heart problems. Our daughter is single, and dropping everything to come to us when he was sick became a hardship for her.

So we moved about two years ago, and I did a little grumbling.

Two years on? He is still frail, but healthy me has terminal cancer, is in hospice, and my daughter’s help is what’s keeping us out of assisted living.

So, I would say talk, but don’t use scare tactics. Just acknowledge that lives change, and sometimes it’s better to make changes when you’re healthy enough to call the shots.

20

It’s scary … old people get set in their ways and moving is a BIG change … when we finally did get my mother to move closer to family she up and died within a month … away from her friends, away from her beloved home, away from everything she held dear … heartbreak killed her …

At least that’s the tale she’d tell … I’m more inclined to blame the lung cancer, multiple broken hips and a general semi-comatose level of cognizant behaviors … it was pretty bad when she finally stop disagreeing about the move …