ETA: Maybe the OP is the wrong question … When is the appropriate time to ask YOURSELF to move closer to family?
Yes, the answer is indeed right now. She should move sooner rather than later so she can build up a new circle of friends while she still can. She can still write to her old friends. My parents left this far too late, especially for my late father. They stayed and saw all their friends gradually die or move away as they should have done. My mother now lives directly across the road from my brother and down the street from me and she loves it.
But you need to be sure of your own stability first. As much as you can be, anyway. Because if you have to move, she will have to move with you.
I’m kind of with astro here- although I’d probably tell my kids if they were so worried, they could move to where I am. I can understand perhaps wanting to bring the subject up, but I just don’t get this :
or this
Presumably, both of those people moved away from where their mothers lived.(One definitely did) Why weren’t they worried about who would take care of Mom if she got hurt when they left? Why is it idiotic to want to stay when you’re healthy and independent enough to participate in golf and bowling leagues? Or because you want to stay where your friends are- sure, you can make new friends. I can probably find a new husband too, but that doesn’t mean I want to get rid of the one I’ve got. Or when you’re wealthy enough to pay for any care you might need? There’s nothing wrong with moving away from your parents - but I don’t understand the mindset that expects the parents to move when they’re doing fine on their own. I can understand if mom’s in the hospital every couple of months so you and your sister have take turns flying across the country to take care of her when she gets released. I can understand if she needs assistance but isn’t mentally able to handle hiring and paying aides so you have to try to do it from a thousand miles away. But that isn’t what was described.
Sure, some people eventually need a lot of care- but some people don’t. People in my family tend to live independently until somewhere in their 80’s and then get sick and die after at most a week or two in the hospital. Those who live with or near their children are either living with the children for reasons unrelated to their need for physical care or they live near the children because the children didn’t move . With two exceptions- a couple of 90 something parents who live with their 70 something kids.
I don’t and won’t have kids. I’d rather there weren’t stepkids in my future. I’m frequently asked a version of the OP’s question - what happens when you can’t take care of yourself, w/o offspring who will take care of you?
Medical professionals, I answer, rather than people who are financially or emotionally invested in me. I watched my mom have to step foot into both the caregiver and then financial role as her mom’s accountant and then executrix (mom is one of many siblings); both things took a toll on her and I don’t wish that on anyone just out of familial feelings.
Grrrr, it’s a great conversation to have w/ her as a theoretical; but let her explicit wishes drive your hopes. She knows best for herself.
She was 50 and Dad was alive.
Those are everywhere. Family isn’t.
Yes, end game. We all have one. Wouldn’t you be interested in what your Mom’s is before expecting her to move cross country
Or are you under the illusion that old people don’t know they’ll die in the end? Or perhaps it must never be openly spoken of, unless it’s called straight up death?
What, exactly, is your point?
You knew someday they would be old, and yet you didn’t remain in your hometown anticipating that they might need care. But you want your mother to move now, when she doesn’t need any help rather than waiting until she does.
But those particular people she bowls and plays golf with aren’t everywhere. I get that living near family is somewhat more important to you than it is to her. What I don’t get is why it’s “idiotic” for her want to live where she wants to, rather than just not what you would prefer. I’m sure you’d think she was out of line if she said it’s idiotic for you not to move back to your hometown if you think it’s so important that she live close to you. And she would be- you get to choose where you live based on what’s important to you. Why doesn’t she get to do the same, at least while her choice of residence isn’t a burden to you?
I guess I prefer a more subtle, nuanced approach. But, whatever works for you.
Well do tell then!
What language would YOU prefer, exactly? You clearly find the words of others less than ideal, so please to share the language you DO find suitable.
It seems less than helpful to chafe at our chosen words without bothering to offer alternatives. So, please, be clear, what words would satisfy your tastes?
"So, the kids would love to see more of you. Have you considered moving closer? "
That’s called being manipulative.
So of us would rather have a frank, honest discussion.
Sure. But the gist of the thread suggests your frank, honest discussions are for naught.
If my kids asked me to move closer so that I’d be less of a burden, I’d unfriend them on Facebook.
Well, I guess you’re a “the glass is half empty” kind of guy.
If my kids wanted me to move closer, I’d take that as a sign that they care about my well being.
It doesn’t hurt to plant the idea in her head.
But if your mother is anything like mine, she will not do anything until she’s good and ready. She is a widow living alone in the same house I grew up in. I think she would be much better off in a retirement community among friends and activities, but the thought of moving even across town completely overwhelms her. I don’t see it happening until she has a serious accident/injury.
This is the best advice of the bunch. And given by somebody in the relevant stage of life.
There are two ways people’s ability to live alone changes: very suddenly or very slowly. Either way carries a risk of them finding themselves more or less trapped in an inappropriate living situation.
OTOH, I think we all agree that a healthy 40 yo moving into assisted living is jumping the gun just a little. IOW, what is foregone by preparing unnecessarily early is a real cost that needs to be reckoned in the mix.
My aged MIL knows exactly what she wants: To move in with wife & I and live as Queen. Which we would only tolerate in a post- Planetary Armageddon scenario. Her next choice is to live alone in a conventional apartment a few miles away and fall down every few weeks until finally she’s crippled or dead. Her last choice is any kind of help or senior living facility.
She’s free, white, and well over 21. She’s maximizing her happiness for the now. So be it.
The one thing I’d advise the OP is to have a generalized conversation with the rest of the extended family (such as it may be). If your sibs, step-sibs, etc. have been on her ass for years to move to be near them, it’d be good for you to know that before you bring up what you think is a new idea.
One issue we had to deal with when MIL first agreed to move across the country to be near to us was that her navigation was always poor and had gotten much worse as she aged. Don’t underestimate how daunting merely learning where the grocery store is may be to somebody who hasn’t had to learn the location of a new store for the last 45 years. This issue totally blindsided us.
Bottom line:
Good luck. I do think you and she (and any other extended family members) would be well-served to have a discussion about general principles and attitudes long before either of you has any inkling of a near-term need. The hardest part is that you need to ask simple questions and let her answer to her satisfaction, not yours. If she’s not doing 90% of the talking, you’re screwing this up and probably creating resistance out of thin air.
Very sound advice.
FTR, I have no intention of pressuring her. I just wanted to let her know I’m willing to take on the role of caring for her should the need arise.
Also, there may be a bit of personal phobia at play here. Sure she can afford assisted living. But when I think of assisted living, it scares the crap out of me. What if those people are mean to her? (or me, when I think about myself living in assisted living) How would I know?
I know, I know, I’ being paranoid.
This didn’t work either.
My mother has four grandchildren, all within 20 minutes of each other and quite a distance from her. They adore her. Hell, I adore her. We’d like to have her here for dinner every Sunday. She’'s fun. But they only get to see her every six weeks or so, 'cause, bowling league.
[QUOTE=doreen]
You knew someday they would be old, and yet you didn’t remain in your hometown anticipating that they might need care.
[/QUOTE]
At the risk of pointing out the obvious here, a person who is embarking upon their career might not have the option to remain in a small town. A person who is retired and has a lot of money can go where they will.
When I’'m 70, if both my kids and all my grandkids live in Calgary and it’s just me here in Toronto, I am putting my shit in a moving van and buying a one way ticket to Calgary. My kids have to build their careers and their lives, and if that mean they have to move, that’s what they have to do and I’ll miss them but they must put themselves before my whims. That’s how it works; kids before parents. Things would be harder to sort out if my kids were in different places, but if I’m lucky enough that they live close together, that’s where I shall go. (Or where we shall go if my wife is still with me, as she’s made very clear; one retired we’ll move to wherever the epicenter of the family is.) I can find leagues and clubs and stuff to do anywhere. I have one family.
If my mother chooses to live far from her family then that’s her choice, but when she complains about not seeing us a lot, we have to remind her, again and again, that she made that choice. Even leaving aside the fact we cannot leave this area without a custody battle over our children - both my kids are shared with other parents - why would two families and eight people give up four careers and move to accomodate one retired person? Insanity.
Ah, I understand now. You’ll see I prefaced my remarks by suggesting being ‘open and honest’. Perhaps you missed that part?
Some people can’t handle open and honest and still prefer a world of using pretty words, even if they are less than clear. Bordering in purposely misleading manipulation. (Often the same people decrying political correctness, surprisingly!)
I’m sure that will work perfectly in your family. (Based on your assertion you would unfriend your own children should they ill choose their wording in regards to your aging issues!)
But a lot of people appreciate openness and honesty in regards to life changing decisions. It’s often seen as a sign of respect when interacting with another adult.
Alas, we are not all of the same stripe as you!
Well, I was being a bit facetious. My own parents died before they had a chance to become a burden. But as as a 58 year old guy, I can’t imagine moving closer to relatives in order to make myself less of a burden.
Really. You CAN’T imagine it? I’m not sure I believe that, to be honest.
Perhaps in your rose coloured world you simply choose not to imagine it? But just for a second, why don’t you try?
Your kids live hours away. Their kids have school, soccer games, piano lessons, etc. Your health has MADE you now at least partially dependent on their assistance. Are you saying you can’t even IMAGINE choosing to ease their burden by moving closer to them?
Really? Even if your choice is either go into a full care facility, or move closer to family so you can maintain some independence and they can deliver your care, instead of strangers?
If you can’t even imagine such decisions or circumstances could arise, I would suggest you seriously lack imagination.
(And perhaps it’s time to demand a little less flowery rhetoric, and a little more ‘openness and honesty’ in your interactions after all!)