This is a downer, but I need an outside opinion

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have never posted on a chat board… ever. But I’d like some feedback from an outside opinion on my own personal situation so here goes…

I moved away to another state/province for 6 months, away from the city I grew up in, leaving my family behind. I am 20 years old (19 when I moved), the oldest of two siblings, so this was a huge learning and growing expierence. Some of the choices I made ended up with me returning to my home city and living back with my family for the past 4 months. In a lot of ways it was good timing, my mother, sister and brother all had birthdays, christmas, new years. The entire time I have wanted to go back, learn from my mistakes and set myself up properly to build a life there. I spent the entire the four months saving up money and now it feels as though everything is coming together… I have job interviews on wednesday, a rideshare situation and my belongings are all packed up. However, this time around I am feeling A LOT of responsibility and guilt over leaving my younger sister (15) and younger brother (9) behind. My single mother is somewhat of what you would call a “toxic” parent… there is a lot of good in her but her verbal/emotional abuse is damagaing. On new years eve there was an all too familiar incident where my mom repeatledy told my sister “I don’t really care about you at all” etc… which led to the two of them saying extremely angry hurtful threatening things to each other in front of my brother. My little sister ended up smashing a mirror on the floor and locking herself in her room. Within maybe ten or fifteen minutes, she was screaming for me, so I went upstairs to find her sitting in her room with her arm all purposefully cut up. She continued to say things like “help me, help me, I don’t want to live anymore”. She is now staying at my aunt’s house, my mom packed up her bedroom and my aunt is going to apply for gaurdianship. My aunt is a very nurturing loving person so I feel my sister will hopefully do good in a positive environment where she feels loved. Over the past year, as my mom began to become more and more verbally and emotionally abusive, my sister has expiermented with drugs… including stage 2 drugs. I have spent time with her since this and talked to her about my plans to move away again. She says that she is fine with it, that we can skype/call each other, that she will visit me in the summer etc. My plan all along, before this happened, was always to move away. I don’t know if this should change that… if I need to be here now for her and my little brother. I don’t want to be here… I don’t want to build a life here. I think the one person that I am going to miss more than anything, is my little brother, who has expressed that he doesn’t want me to go. We have a wonderful relationship and a bond. I want to be a part of his life but we are so far apart in age that I have to live my life too… My aunt/cousins/mom all tell me that I need to do what is best for me, make sure I am moving for the right reasons and take care of myself first and foremost. That they are my siblings not my children. Advice or feedback is greatly appreciated…

2

20 is young. Can you say that your life is together? Are you willing to put aside your aspirations to help your sister and brother with theirs? If so then yes, you could set up shop in the same city as your family and at least provide a refuge for your siblings. If not, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with moving away. There’s no sense expending all your energy taking care of others and having nothing left for yourself.

I’m sure you’ll get plenty more advice. I wish you the best and hope the choice you make is the one that will make you happiest.

3

Just out of curiosity, what is a stage 2 drug? Examples?

4

The best way to help your siblings at this stage in your life is:

  1. Be a role model for how to get out and be successful.
  2. Be available to listen to them and support them from outside the toxic situation.

If you stay, you’ll either have to continue sharing their toxic home until the youngest is able to move out, which is a long time, or else you’ll have to become a young single parent to your siblings. Even if you did that brilliantly, they couldn’t help but start seeing you in the same way you all see your mother.

In short, I think the best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself right now, but keep the doors open and let your siblings know you’re not abandoning them.

5

Cocaine, meth, morphine. (There might be others.)

6

**simplyj **- May I recommend that you break your longer posts up into paragraphs?

I gave up trying to read this one somewhere around the second line; I felt like I was trying to read a package insert for some medication (although, come to think of it, those have paragraphs).

Anyway, best of luck with your situation.
mmm

7

What a sad situation for all of you. Is there no chance the aunt could take your brother too?

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your siblings is go away and be successful. Perhaps an opportunity will arise in the future that would allow you to bring them to your new location if things don’t improve for them. This assumes that your brother is not in danger of physical harm, of course.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

8

Seconded. I read by skipping around and trying to find the key points first, and I think lots of people do that. It’s impossible to do when everything is just jumbled to together like that.

9

Reformatted for ease of reading.

10

I think it’s wonderful of your aunt to offer to bring your sister into her home.

Although my home situation wasn’t as toxic as yours, my oldest brother left for Australia when I was 12, and whilst I was upset and hurt, I dealt with it and understood that he needed to leave to make a good life for himself. My other brother left for Australia about three years later (and stayed there permanently), so I belated became an only child! That can be…intense.

What is the relationship between your mother and your brother like? Do you think your aunt would be willing to bring him into her home as well if needed?

These days, with email and Skype and facebook, etc, it is much easier to live apart but still feel like a family. I now live on the other side of the world to my family, but we keep in touch more often than we did when my brothers were both living in Australia.

As the oldest sibling, I think you are limited in what you can do to control how your mum interacts with your siblings, but what is in your control is how you can role model a successful adult life. And even if your aunt doesn’t have any plans to take in your brother just yet, it sounds like she’d be the sort of person to keep a close eye on him.

11

This sounds kind of like my mom, except I’m an only child.

It sounds like your mom has some sort of insight regarding her behavior though if she’s allowing your aunt to apply for guardianship of your sister.

It wasn’t clear from the post and I effectively know nothing about that process, but would your aunt applying for guardianship involve family court and some sort of investigation of the living situation? Could your brother also live with your aunt if he’s deeply unhappy living with your mom?

Either way, I can see why you have feelings of guilt, but moving away isn’t the same as being gone forever, and your siblings do have loving people in their lives besides you if the issues with your mom become too intense. I feel like now is the time for you to be establishing your independence, building up your work history, etc.

I moved out when I was 18, from Virginia to New York, and I don’t regret it for a minute. I can’t visit my mom for more than a few days, as her issues become too much to handle after that, but I’m still close enough to visit 2-3 times a year for a few days and see friends from back home, and of course there’s email, facebook, texting, talking on the phone, so it’s not as if my relationship with my mom or my friends back home completely vanished.

12

When you get on an airplane with kids, they remind you to put on your oxygen mask first. That rule carries over to a lot of things in life. If you save yourself first by leaving, you will be in a position later on to help your brother. He can come for visits, maybe spend some vacations with you, call and write to you, and maybe eventually come to live with you.

13

Clearly, it’s not as I managed just fine.

14

Not impossible but difficult to read a wall of text; I read sandra_nz’s version and it was a big relief.

To the OP: you have good advice here. These are not your children and you can do the most good by being an example. I’m glad you used the time at home to save money; most things are easier when you have a cushion. Good luck with the job hunting. And by the way, welcome to SDMB.

15

You don’t have any real obligation to stick around for the sake of your sister and brother. You need to get out and get your own life on track. And as others have said, the best thing you can do for them is to set an example by getting on with your life and being successful.

16

You do need to take care of yourself & ensure that you can provide for your needs, but, perhaps you can also provide a level of support for your siblings. Your sister asked you for help & you saw her to a safer place, to your aunt’s home. Without taking full responsibility, you could also provide additional guidance, like making sure she’s aware of any available counseling services, school provided or otherwise. You can also make sure to keep in close contact with your younger brother, assisting him with counseling, or a move to your aunt’s, should it become necessary.
In other words, your siblings are fortunate to have you, and while you aren’t obligated to take full responsibility for them at your expense, IMO, you do have an obligation to make sure they are doing okay and also in guiding them to any assistance that is available to them.

17

Thank you a million times over to everyone that replied. Your posts give me peace over my decision and really help me to start putting things in perspective here. Now I know why people do this… and I’ll try to remember to revise my post for next time.

18

With your situation you’re saying you’re 20 years old, just getting a job lined up in a distant city, and feeling limited options in the place where your family currently lives. If the choice were simply to abandon your sister and brother to your mother’s care, I might see more cause for you to stay in the area to try to support them. However, you’re not leaving them alone with her. Your aunt has stepped up, and is providing for your sister. While you’ve not said anything, I find it hard to imagine that she’d be doing that but unwilling to keep and eye on your brother.

So, not only is your situation still a bit precarious (Just starting up in a distant city is going to be hard. Probably very rewarding over time, but still a good deal of effort and adjustment.) but your siblings are sounding to be receiving care that may be more stable than anything you’d be able to provide yourself. I don’t see any reason for you to put your own plans on hold to help them.

By all means, keep in close contact with them. Make sure they know that you’re available to talk with any time they might feel the need. Visit them as you are able.

But putting your own goals first is not unreasonable. Being selfish isn’t necessarily wrong, nor evil. There’s a word for people who always put the needs and desires of others above their own: Doormat.

If you were going to be leaving your siblings with your mother without any other options available to them, the question might get harder for me. But with your aunt stepping up, it sounds like what you’d be doing if you stayed would be simply sacrificing your dreams to provide similar moral support to what you’d be able to provide long-distance anyways.

For that matter with your brother you may be able to provide more direct help in a couple of years after you’ve gotten yourself more established, should that seem like a good idea then.

On preview: I’m glad you’re feeling much better about your decision. Good luck and best wishes for you and your siblings!

19

You can’t help them now or ever if you get dragged down yourself.

You 'll probably be able to help them in the future, but from your post it would be all to easy to end up becoming a victim yourself.

And then not only will they need help, but you will too.

20

Just keep in contact with your siblings via email, text or phone.