Moving away from hometown and family - am I being a selfish asshole?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m 30 years old and recently returned to college for a 2nd (more practical) bachelor’s degree (Medical Technology, whoo!). I’ve lived in Florida my entire life, save for 2 years in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (school), and a year in England (school again). I’ve never really liked Florida and have gotten by by spending a lot of time traveling - months at a time when possible. It’s always, always been my dream to live somewhere more… mountainous, more naturally beautiful, more politically and socially liberal. Somewhere colder. Somewhere totally different. Somewhere like Seattle or Portland or Colorado or Vermont. So now, my boyfriend and I have a break in time. He’s just graduated nursing school and I’ve nearly finished the pre-professional phase of my degree, and we’re ready to get the f*** out of here. My hope is to gain admission to the U of Washington or Oregon Health & Sciences U, and finish up my degree there.

Only thing is, my family is here in Florida. I have a good relationship with them (although they irritate the crap outta me sometimes), and boy oh boy am I feeling guilty just at the thought of leaving. I’ve mentioned the Washington and Portland options (the ones we’re really gunning for, or were… until now), and it has not been well-received. My parents have given me slightly different variations of the guilt-trip. My mother is much more understanding, and though she really doesn’t want to see me go, she feels selfish asking me to stay. I’m closer with my mother. My dad though - whom I have a weird relationship with - a sort of pseudo-closeness, where I am intimidated by him and respectful, but inwardly critical of him - well, he’s not very happy about it at all. Where I actually expected him to get so angry or frustrated with me that it would be difficult to even talk to him about it, today he actually brought it up and gave me what is turning into the most intense guilt-trip of my life. It’s all “we’re getting older now. In 5 years your mom will be 70!” Although I don’t plan to move back to Florida, I would probably want to move back to this side of the country eventually, so I say, “well it wouldn’t be forever” and then I get the worst line, “well, your forever and our forevers are different.” Yeah, implying that they’re going to die soon and he wants to spend as much time with me as he can while he’s still kickin. And if I leave, I’m basically saying that I don’t really care that much about those kinds of things.

I just don’t even know what to do. I know what I WANT to do is take the leap and go already (assuming I even get in). It does make my heart sink to think of leaving my family, but sheesh I can’t stay just because I don’t want to miss them. Or am I being a self-centered asshole? Do many or most wanderlusters end up staying at home and foregoing their dreams of far-off places because of familial obligations? (mind you, I don’t even have any obligations toward them now other than showing up at the house and visiting every couple of weeks)

Does anyone out there who’s had a similar experience wish to share their story and/or any comforting or adviceful words?

Also, as a side-note, I guess a big reason this whole thing makes me all squirmy is because my dad, who has always preached about the importance of “family,” spends more than half his nights at his (our family’s, but mostly his) house in the Keys or in Georgia, to fiddle around with his big-boy toys and go fishing or hunting with his buddies. He leaves my mother behind, is generally unpleasant toward her during the occasions when he is at home, and is resentful that my brothers and I have a closer relationship with her than we have with him. Yet he’s the only one who is really playing this card, whereas my mom and brothers, though they would be sad about me leaving, are more understanding and really kind-of expected it.

Okay, thanks for reading. (sigh)

2

No, you are absolutely not being a selfish asshole. Go in peace. They’ll get over it.

3

+1 follow your heart.

4

Most definitely take the leap! Don’t live with regret!

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to move across the country, but turned it down because most of my family is here.

I’ve done alright, I guess, but I always wonder now if my life and career would be different.

5

Washington state is gorgeous. (I know, having moved here about two months ago. ) You will not regret it. Take that leap and go for it.

6

Sounds like dad wants you to stay so that someone will keep mom company. Otherwise, she might start tagging along with him during his little trips. Bet he doesn’t want that!

But seriously. Your inner conflict is something that would be expected of an 18 year old. But you’re 30! Time to leave the nest already.

7

If you stay, you might end up resenting your family - going away and having good time with them when you visit should be a lot better option. It’s a lot easier to have good relations with your relatives when you don’t see them all the time, at least for me. That way when you do meet, it’s a festive occasion and people try to let the little irritations slide.

Anyways, it’s your life. You shouldn’t let others mire you into the bog of familiar when you have a chance to go out and see the world.

8

You owe your parents your life. That does not mean they have the right to ask for payment back with interests, and it does not mean that you belong to them.

Go forth.

9

I thought parents were supposed to want their kids to be happy - your dad seems to have missed that lesson. No, you’re not being selfish - you’re being a 30 year old adult with a mind and life of your own.

10

Go. If your parents have a problem, they are selfish assholes.

11

Your mom will understand; once you do go, be sure you send her pictures and call often and tell her all the things you’re enjoying about where you’re at. She wants you happy; be happy!

Your dad…will get over it. He might be envious and a little grumpy/bitter; for all you know, THEY have wanted to live elsewhere but haven’t for whatever reason.

I really think you should go. Visit as often as you want or is feasible, but really…being happy will make your mom happy. Just share with her all your fun and she can be happy with/for you. :slight_smile:

12

+1

Everyone else has already said anything I would say. Do what makes you happy!

13

Go! Invite your mom to come visit. The bit about your dad scooting off to play with his big boy toys was the most telling part for me. The old codger’s not going to croak anytime soon–and if he croaks while playing w/ bigboy toys, what will it have mattered if you were closer to home?

Go. Go go go. Otherwise you’ll spend your life wondering ‘what if?’.

I’d share my story, as I’m from the East coast and live in Japan, but I’m not close with my family so the decision was much easier.

Go!

14

Unless there is some pre-existing understanding or deal where you were supposed to stay close to home in exchange for his assistance with your education or something this is one of the more bizarre scenarios I’ve ever heard.

What’s the logic here? I assume your father is reasonably astute intellectually per your description of his ability to maintain an upper middle class lifestyle. Is your family first generation from some other country?

Normally parents want their kids to fly free and be as successful as possible wherever that may be. This notion that you, at age 30, should be crafting your professional life to be close to your parents in preparation for their future dotage is sort of weird. *You are describing a scenario where you are all conflicted about leaving healthy, upper middle class parents in their 60’s in the US of A to fend for themselves in the wilds of suburban Florida? * Seriously? Are you living on some sort of a compound?

I don’t know what to tell you about your conflicted feelings. That you are even harboring them in the face of your father’s insane expectations is something only you can answer. I will tell you it’s not normal for parents in the US to expect, as some sort of entitlement, for their 30 year old kids pursuing professional careers to hang around the local area for the comfort of their parents.

I not going to beat on your crazy dad. He is who he is. That you are all twisted up about an expectation that is manifestly so far off the rails it beggars comprehension is the real issue, and it’s one you need to get clearly sorted out before you make any long term plans with an SO. Having a wife or partner who feels perpetually “guilty” and tortured about something inherently irresolvable is a potent relationship destroyer.

15

I hear they have this new technology called a phone, it helps people communicate over long distances. I understand it can be used several times a week if necessary.

Move on my friend. You have one life, your own. Make it good.

16

Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO.

17

Go. Especially since Dad is trying to guilt trip you about going. You need to live your own life, on your own terms.

If you have a potted plant, and it outgrows the pot, it will get sick and die. If you try to put any living thing in a container that’s too small for it, that living thing will get sick, at least, and possibly die.

My husband and I have one child, she’s 32. We live in Texas, and she lives in Virginia. We miss her, and enjoy her visits, and wish that she’d been able to find a great job in Texas, but we realize that if she had stayed here, she’d probably STILL be working in a menial job. She’s working at a great job, with great benefits, just got promoted, and she got a bonus for signing a contract to stay with that company for at least another five years. They like her very, very much, and are willing to pay her quite a lot of money. She needed this job, or one like it, so that she can grow as a person and as a professional. She needed a bigger pot. Sometimes our adult children can’t stay in the same area, and parents who genuinely want the best for their kids will realize this.

Your dad is not concerned about your well-being, or at least his first priorities are whatever HE wants, and then maybe he’ll think about other people. I’m sorry that he is this way, but if you stay, he’ll get worse, not better. He thinks that if you move, HE’LL be inconvenienced. And he probably will. But he’s supposed to be an adult, so he needs to learn to cope.

Maybe your mother needs to get a group of friends of her own, some women (and possibly some men, too) who will get together and do things that are interesting to her. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll go out when your father finds it inconvenient.

18

I joined the Navy at 19 and left home. Except for a 30 month period in the early 80s, I haven’t lived near my family since then. Even now, I’m more than 2 hours away, and I only moved to this area because I really like it, not because it was closer to my mom than the last place I lived.

These days, you can get to almost any city within a matter of hours - certainly less than a day - in case of emergency. But beyond that, you have your own life to live. So do it.

19

GO! You will regret it if you stay. GO and live your own life where you want.

Everyone who has had any success in life in my family has moved far away.

I’m stuck here in the same town and though they treated me like shit all my life, now what’s left of them hobbling around expect me to be a caretaker and chauffeur and bail them out of their many problems 24/7. THAT, my friend, is a horror I wouldn’t wish on anyone. GO!

20

First off, a huge woohoo to you for choosing to be a med tech! Welcome to the club.

I moved hundreds of miles from my family, and it’s been very hard sometimes, but I know I made the right call. It’s easy to say “follow your heart” but sometimes it’s hard to know what your heart actually wants. From what you’re saying, it does sound like moving would be a wonderful opportunity for you, and I don’t think that the guilt your father is tossing at you should be enough to stop you. Is anything else holding you back? Do you know that your credits will transfer to the new school smoothly? You’re an adult, you’re allowed, and expected, to leave the nest at some point. And if you choose to fly far from the nest, that’s your call and I don’t think it’s selfish.

Just know that some days, you will second-guess yourself, and that’s normal. Stuff will happen “back home” and you’ll be mad at yourself that you can’t be there to help or participate. And that’s ok. You do what you can, by calling, using Skype or video chat, and visiting when you can afford to. I’m five years into my relocation to Maryland, and it’s still hard sometimes, but I look at my life here and know that I wouldn’t be as happy without it. I suspect it will be harder when my parents get older and start falling apart, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. It’s so easy to pile up a huge list of possible catastrophic “what-ifs” about the future and paralyze yourself into doing nothing, but that will leave you stagnant and miserable.

I hope you go, and I hope you love it. Good luck!