So do I move or not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

OK. So I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking strangers on a message board to help me make life altering decisions. Here’s is where I stand today: I have recently paid off all debts. My credit was in the crapper and headed even further south, so over the last year I have worked very hard, paid off my car and all the old credit card bills and any collection companies that I owed money to. I am officially at $0. It’s a good feeling. Because of my past untrustworthiness, I probably will be working on repairing my credit for the next 5 to 7 years before I can qualify to buy a home. I make OK money now, but I have two little boys in an apartment that has almost no back yard. I don’t know how many times I’ve told them they need to find something to do in the house because I can’t go outside with them right now. I’ve created a little fence out of a ladder to keep them where I can see them so they can at least play in the dirt while I cook dinner, but the set-up is obviously sub-par.

Now I have an opportunity that is rare: when my grandmother died last year no one knew what to do with her house. It is now finally empty, and there for me to take (it was offered before I asked). I would pay rent* to my parents, but it would be half of what I pay now, and I would be going from a 2 bedroom apartment that I don’t like to a three bedroom house with a full back yard and all the stuff that goes with it (living room, den, dining room, etc). The catch? Well, it’s all the way in Mississippi in the town I grew up in and left 15 years ago. My parents moved back a couple years ago, and I have no family left here in Birmingham anymore. So now I’m stuck: Do I move to the nice house with a backyard and my family nearby but no job (we would depend on my husband’s income only at first until I found a job)?

Do I leave my job? I am in the dreaded middle management, but I like it. I am a production coordinator for a multi-million dollar company. (I think that makes it sound like I get paid more than I do, so don’t start thinking I’m a high powered executive or anything.) It’s a young company and the company management (the level I’m on) has an average age of 29/30. I am really good at what I do – work flow management and crisis management. I would walk away from all that, never to return. Sometimes I feel like we’re poised to do great things here, but sometimes I feel myself slipping from them – spending more time online or screwing around. I am lacking some of the passion I once had for my job, and finding myself wanting to spend more time with family.

What if I do this and realize that I screwed up? I am worried about the loneliness of living in very small town MS – I had friends there, but I moved and they didn’t and I don’t know that I could get back into one of the cliques. I don’t want to have zero friends. But I have found that I live here amongst friends and when I get home I am into the cook, clean, bathe kids, do homework routine and I could be here or I could be on a mountain top in China and wouldn’t know the difference except for the view outside the window – that’s how connected I am to my friends right now.

Anyway – I guess you can see how scattered and waffled I’ve become. I’m normally a person with very organized thoughts, but this has got me all over the place. Do I move? Do I stay? What would you do? I am sure I have left out important information that you need to make up your mind so just ask – I’m that discombobulated over this.

*rent to my parents is not a point of contention. I am sure they would gladly give me the house, but we (my family) don’t believe in the idea of something for nothing. They have also offered to waive rent for the first 2 – 3 months to give me time to find a job, but I may end up staying home for a while by choice.

2

I would move. I would take the house in a heartbeat. It would be difficult - you should make a conscious effort to get out, join clubs, meet people.

My dad moved away after my parent’s split, my best friend moved countries - they both have the same advice - Realize the first year is probably going to suck - it takes a while to warm up to a place and for the place to warm up to you.

3

I should give you a better idea of what I’d be moving into: I went there to have my son’s birthday party this past weekend. There’s lots of people that saw me and hugged me and lots of people ask when I’m going to “come home” - so it’s not that bad. I guess I’m looking for someone to make me move so I can not be the one to blame if it all goes to hell.

4

There’s a reason you left that town in the first place, no?

I wouldn’t move back; I’d continue with your current plans. That seems to me to be your best bet for happiness ten or twenty years from now.

5

Your credit rating is probably pretty good, actually: you’ve shown you can repay your debts.

Do I guess correctly that the father of your children is largely absent? Military / diplomat / divorced / whatever?

Go home. Your old friends will be glad to see you; your parents will love having their grandchildren close by. Your children will benefit from the small-town atmosphere.

6

I moved away because I was still in high school when my dad got transferred so where he went, so went the family.
Yes, my husband is a truck driver so home is pretty much wherever I decide it is since he’s not around. That’s something he is push for - he wants the family close to my parents/grandparents/cousins because he’s not around and if we had a problem (broken on the interstate/apt. broken into) there’s no one to help us. Were not completely alone but there’s not anyone I can call at 3 am for help. IOW, the “in case of emergency” section of all my forms is left blank.

Sounds like I am pushing for moving. I’ll tell you some of the things that are holding me back: the town is dying. My kids would have to go to private school (the one I went to) - the money isn’t the issue, but the school is a small chrisitian school. I fought the evolution fight there when I was in HS, and I think I’m going to end up fighting it again for my kids. Stuff like that. But then I came out of it so maybe it wasn’t all bad.

7

By the way - thank you so much for the replies so quickly already! I am logging off to do some actual work now (they do expect me to work for that paycheck while I’m here) but will check in before I head home.

8

Ask your parents to rent the house out so you can “sleep on it” for a year or two until you have time to really think things over.

9

I think this is bad advice. Don’t decide immediately, if you don’t want to, but I think you’d be better off making the choice sooner rather than later. I think there are some real pluses to moving back near your family. And it isn’t like you’d have to stay there. You could live there for a year or two, and (hopefully) save some money so that if you decide it isn’t where you want to be when your children start growing up you can re-evaluate and move someplace else within the broader region which is closer than you are now, but not stuck in the dying town.

I don’t actually know that you should move. I just think that if you want to, you should seriously think about doing so before school starts in the fall, rather than waiting a year or two.

ETA: And if you don’t want to move, it’s probably a better idea to look at long term solutions to the question of “what should we do with this house” rather than a series of rentals.

10

I wouldn’t move. I grew up in an apartment in Brooklyn. There are more important things than a backyard. Cities can offer all kinds of opportunities that kids can’t find elsewhere. That has lots of value. It also sounds as if you’ll be lonely and bored living there. An unhappy mommy is also not good for children.

Is there any way you can let them experience country life on a part time basis? Perhaps they could visit relatives during the summer?

11

ShelliBean, I’m in almost the same decision making position that you’re in, but I’m not quite completely debt free.

I’m moving back to my home town for a year (me & my two kids living with my aunt) so that I can pay off my debts and be in a position to buy a house next summer/fall. Buying a house there is waaaay cheaper than where I would like us to live. For instance I could buy a new 4 bedrm home with a big yard for less than $300,000. Here, where I’ve been planning to move us back to next year, the same house would start at around $700,000. Almost all of my family is there, we have only one person here to call in case of emergency and he’s frequently out of town. I’m a single mom so all the decision is on me.

It’s a mighty big temptation. However, the schools aren’t that great back home and there really isn’t much for kids over the age of 12 to do for fun besides get in trouble. The biggest reason I’m fighting the temptation though, is that I don’t want my girls to soak up the mindset that is prevalent in the community - that it’s okay not to go to college. That just getting by is a worthy goal. Right now they are surrounded by people that are actively moving forward in life, but back home things are really stagnant.

If your kids won’t be starting school for a few years then I think it would be okay to move home for a few years to save money. I don’t think it’s a good idea to move kids around once they’ve started school - but maybe that’s more dependant on the personality of the kid. My oldest (10) is only ok with this move because she knows that most of her friends will be going to the same middle school she’ll attend when we move back here.

12

Well, I’ve pretty much painted myself into a corner by waiting until the last minute. We’ve had a year to think about this (we knew the offer of the house was probably coming). And now my parents and aunt are ready to either sell or have me move there. My son will start first grade next year 07 - 08 school year so once I’m in, I’m in for good unless it turns out to be a spectacularly bad idea.

As I suspected, I really knew what I wanted to do all along, but want someone to tell me what to do so I don’t have to be responsible if it blows up in my face (which I know isn’t really true). Or at least not feel like I made a bad decision when everyone was telling me not to do it. Maybe I’m not asking for advice, but a cheerleading squad?

I’m leaning towards moving. I have been all along. And LavenderBlue is right - the isolation is one of the things I fear. But I’m isolated now too, I think. I make way too many trips to Wal-Mart just for the human interaction to deny that I am spending too much time alone.

My husband is looking at a job that would have him home much more often so that’s a bonus too.

Still welcoming pro/con stories though!! I keep waiting for that one jewel of knowledge that will make everything so much clearer to me and make the choice easy.

Damn. Why did I have to become a grown up?

13

I just wanted to offer some perspective on up-rooting kids. My parents were not in the military, but they might as well have been, given how often we moved. I went through being the new kid so many times. I hated it at the time, but now I am glad that I do not fear big changes and I know I can adapt to any environment.

As far as concerns about schools trying to teach morality and intelligent design BS in a small southern town, I think those are valid. However, the most important messages are going to be those that the kids get at home. If you model open-minded, tolerant, and critical thinking skills, your kids will have the best chance of figuring out who they are and what they think when they become adults. Best wishes.

14

I would move back. My grandmother moved out of her home and into a nursing home a few years ago, and we had the opportunity to move into her house and rent it from my family. We figured out how I could finish college up there (at a local branch of a state school) and where Mrs. Small could get a job. I wish we would’ve done it. I love where we are now, and I am happy with our place, but my grandmother lived in that house for so long, and I have so many memories of that little town. I feel like it could be a home, and where we are is kind of a temporary place between other places.

Of course, it is a huge decision, but I say move back…

Brendon

15

If you do move back maybe you can start up an Internet business that’ll help make you some money and show your kids a good example about not being lazy. A free house is hard to pass up, but then a dying town isn’t so good either.

Maybe the best thing to do is to flip a coin. But if you do then you have to accept the result on the one flip, and not keep flipping it. Make sure the husband and children are there when you do, as it’ll make for a nice family memory to look back on.:slight_smile:

16

You’re worried about them being taught at a Christian school?! Hells bells, woman! They’ll teach 99% of everything right, and you can set your children right on the remaining 1%.

17

Would you mind saying where in Mississippi you want to move? I’m from there, and my opinion would vary drastically depending on the location. Are you going to move to the Delta? I’d suggest you don’t But there are some nice areas that are pretty prosperous.

It depends a lot on where you’d move, honestly. I don’t plan on ever living in Mississippi again. Just not for me, I guess. I think I sense a few things with you actually on the “town is dying” front. Maybe you ought to figure out how your credit is doing and look into getting a house in your dream location? It could be one of the better places in Mississippi even.

The thing you have to ask yourself is what you want out of your career. Do you feel like making something out of it, or simply just a side job to help raise the kids? This is important, because you certainly don’t want to sell yourself short. On the other hand you can always pick up and move later on when your credit has gotten even better. But you don’t really want to make your kids move again after a certain age. But I’m not terribly certain that it would be a horrible idea.

As far as the Christian school thing. I’m not so sure that everyone here understands what that entails. There are several types of Chrisitian schools in the south. Catholic (typical of anywhere in the US), fringe religious groups (they feel the need to start a school because they want to educate their kids in a highly religious way) and the alternative to segregation schools. I went to one of the later, and I’d say that I’d never want any of my kids to go there. They are basically a bastion for all of the racist and biggoted thought that is a bit too slow to go away in the state. I’m lucky that I didn’t come out of there thinking in that way, but that’s just me. You don’t want your kids to go to a school where it is casually mentioned that whites are better than blacks. Finally you have a few academies that can be okay. They are basically set up because the local school district is not as good as it ought to be. These are generally all white as well, but without such a racist bent. They are more preppy than anything else.

To sum up, it depends on where you’re going, but from what you say, I gather it’s similar to where I grew up. You have to ask yourself a few questions. Do you want to have the possibility of a career? Secondly about your kids. What’s better? A very closed environment where they will learn little about the outside world? Sure they’ll have a nice yard to play in. Maybe they stay in the small house for a while, but eventually you move on to your dream place?

18

Well, whats the worse that could happen if you move back home? I mean, if in five years you still don’t know people there and you don’t like the schools, couldn’t you just sell the house and move back to a city with your savings and improved credit? I know you don’t want to uproot your kids over and over, but kids in grade school switch schools all the time, and seem to come out okay. And they’d have a few years near their grandparents, its not like you’d be taking them to China.

I don’t have kids, I can’t give great advice, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you move, you may change your mind but I doubt it will turn into a some horrible disaster. Worst case your kids have a few stories to tell when they’re older. Best wishes with your decision.

19

I would probably move back home if I were you. I think it would be a valuable experience for the kids to have an opportunity to get better acquainted with their extended family, and I think I’d enjoy having the peace of mind of knowing my family was nearby to help out if I were a mom with a husband who was gone a lot. Plus, the kids may enjoy being able to look back later on in life of their memories of growing up in a “quaint” small town (since by the time they’re adults that way of life will probably be darn near close to extinct).
On the whole school issue, I definitely would be wary of a school that condones racism, if that is something that is prevalent around htere (I have no idea since I’ve never lived in the south). On the other hand, I went to a public school in a mostly-white suburb of the northern midwest and can recall witnessing children saying/doing racist stuff, so the kids could be exposed to that sort of stuff anywhere. I think the important thing is to make sure you teach them your values about that sort of stuff at home so that they will hopefully be ready when they face it out there in the world.
Anyway, best of luck with your decision. :slight_smile:

20

Merkwurdigliebe, it’s northeast MS. Elvis country. The town has a terrible school district, hence the religious private school.
Didn’t mean to offend, **Quartz **, although I’m not Christian, my son seems to be leaning that way (he’s 6 and I think he enjoys the community aspects of church) so I’m more than willing to let the religion be something he explores. It’s the times when it crossed into science class that I have a problem with - and I mean at this particular school, not generalizing on Christian schools countrywide.
I suppose I could move back.
My job is the kicker now - it changes from day to day. I do have a kick ass job. Unfortunately, I’m having one of those ‘golden’ weeks where I can do no wrong. It’s easy to pack it in when everything sucks and I’ve gone home crying every day from frustration. But right now I’m in my element. Of course, I know this too will end and I’ll have a run of suckitude. When I move, it’s bye-bye career.
When I visited my parents this past weekend my son didn’t want to leave, gave me the “wish we didn’t live so far away” pout and on the way home the entire guilt speech about "I wish we had enough money to live in a house. " (I guess it’s obvious he’s overheard money conversations!) “Why mommy, why can’t I have my own room?” and then the twisting of the knife. All the way home.
Thanks you guys. I appreciate the advice and enjoy hearing what you guys say. I also know I have to make up my own mind, but hearing what you guys would do will ultimately make me feel a little better about my decision!