Moving back home, good idea or not? I'm having reservations...(long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve lived on my own for 12 years.

For 12 years now, I’ve had my own apartment and lived alone…
…but now, mom wants me to move back in with her (and stepfather, and brother–when he’s out of jail, and sister in law).

Mostly it’s to help them out with bills and finances, because they really can use it…and I’d be paying/helping them out with a LOT. Close to 700-800 dollars a month…
…but it’s also in part because of my latest health problems, so that I can be around people most of the day and always have someone watching over me in case of an attack.

But anyway, I don’t really know how I feel about this. I mean, I’ve been on my own for so long now. I’ve kind of enjoyed living alone for a little over a decade, it can be calming and relaxing. Don’t get me wrong, being around family and friends is good too and I love that also, but it’s still going to be a pretty big change. Some part of me is just still fairly hesitant…for a few reasons.

I mean, what if I ever want to live on my own again? Right now I’m with a program that works kind of like a HUD home does and it helps me get cheap rent. I only pay about 30 percent and the company/program I’m with pays the rest. It’s a great deal and it took me quite a bit of work to get on this program. …So what if I’m ever finding myself needing to get on it again? Will I be able to? Will it be hard to? All of these questions run through my head and I’m having all of these little reservations about it.

Also, I own two cats. I love cats…especially MY cats. I’ve had one for almost 11 years now and that’ll be weird to move in a house with her (the cat, not my mom). I’ve been living in an apartment the last decade, so moving back into a house is weird.
Again, Don’t get me wrong, I love being in a house, because it’s big and spacious, but I still am finding it just a little hard to let go of my apartment.

Another problem is the way mom and I will usually clash. We’re very different people. I’m a (single) guy and lived as one most of my life and she’s the nitpicky sort who comes from a home that had military-type cleaning expectations. I’m talking the bed must be made at all times and when you eat something you CANNOT drop a single crumb and she’s following around everyone who comes in with a broom and mop ready to clean up any imagined footprints she thinks they’re leaving. And me…shit, there are times I don’t make my bed for days. We butt heads a lot over issues like that. Issues so small and mundane but that get made into molehills and then mountains…for example: Where chips are allowed to go.
Now see, when I open a bag of chips, I’ll eat some and then wrap them up and put the chips on the counter, in the kitchen, usually in a corner…for easy snacking access again. And every time she comes over to visit me (which used to be once every two weeks), she’d put the chips away into the cupboard.
But see, I don’t want them in the cupboard. I want them on the counter. To her, though, having chips on the counter, even if they’re wrapped up, is messy. It’s the signs of a messy house. ALL CHIPS AND COOKIES MUST GO IN THE CUPBOARD. Just like all bread has to go in the fridge…that can’t be left out either, not even if you have a breadbasket. “Chris, the bread is going to go bad if it’s not in the fridge. You DO know it stays fresher longer in the fridge? Let’s put it in the fridge for you.” She’ll nag.
But no…I don’t want it in the fridge. I want it in the freaking bread basket. I like it soft and warm, not cold. And besides, I will usually finish the bread before it ever has a chance to go bad anyway. Oh…but pay no attention to the fact that it’s my fucking apartment and not hers either.

So anyway, those are just some examples of the ways we’re always butting heads, so I’m not sure I’m ready or want to move back in with her where I KNOW the rules are going to be made by her, me paying lots of rent or not.

Mom says we don’t have to really make a decision until my lease is up (which is not for about another half year), but I don’t know…I sort of LIKE and VALUE my independence. Most of my life I lived with my dad or was homeless (until age 23, when I got my own place), so it always felt like I’d NEVER get my own place…until one day, I did. It finally happened and I had a place to call my own. I was finally living alone, in my very own apartment. And it felt good.

Now…it’s just going to feel a little too much like I’m dependent on others if I do this. “OH, you’re living back at home with your mommy? Mommy taking care of you again? Living in your parents “basement” at age 35?” are just a few thoughts I hear echoing in my head, as if I can imagine what people would think if they knew.
Even if it mostly IS just to help them out with money and bills, I just feel like I’m going to lose a part of myself that I will never get back again…or, at least, not get back again any time soon.
So…these are things that fill my thoughts these days and…I don’t know…I guess I’m just looking for some insight, suggestions, advice, feedback, thoughts, opinions, and personal experiences on what I should do…or at least to help me make an easier decision.

2

I’m hearing a lot of not so good things for you. Fortunately you still have time to think about it. Don’t rush into it.

3

Keep your apartment. Help them financially as you can, even though it won’t be close to what it would be if you moved in. It’s not likely that you can live as you want without your mom interfering.

Does your SIL currently live there? If so, ask her if your mother is the same way with her.

4

Two things you don’t mention: 1.) how much space will be yours? Will you have a small room and have to share a bathroom and a kitchen and living room with all the people and their stuff that comes along with using a shared space? Or will you have actually have some room to call your own? I can’t imagine having roommates, and that’s basically what this sounds like.

2.) how much time will you be spending there? I have no idea what your work situation is (and if that will be changing considering the new health issues), but if you’re at work all day and can avoid some of the drama that might make a difference… or, it may not. Coming home to nagging after a long day can be hell.

I get the impression this is something you really don’t want to do. since you have 6 months, give it some time, but frankly, I’d listen to your doubts. I was in a similar situation several years ago: I was “renting” a house from my parents. We (my wife and I) paid a paltry sum in return for doing all the upkeep and lawn maintenance. However, it turned into a miserable experience. The house wasn’t ours, so my dad stored his crap in the garage, which my brother and his skanky girlfriend would come raid at all hours of the day. Dad decided one year that he didn’t have the money for firewood for his woodstove, so came and cut down several big trees on the property without telling us. The whole experience was depressing; it made me feel like I wasn’t an “adult.” I didn’t have my own space, I didn’t have my solitude, I couldn’t take for granted something as simple as walking into the garage and knowing my brother wouldn’t be rooting around for something. It’s not part of my life I look at with any kind of fondness.

OTOH, with your new health issues, having someone around in case you need help may may more than compensate for any negatives aspects of the experience.

But if I were in your shoes, I would be very hesitant to do this. It sounds like you have overcome several big hurdles and are quite successful at this whole “adult” thing. This has the scent of taking a big step backwards, and you don’t want to step in anything that will be hard to scrape off later down the line.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck.

5

Well lessee, when I was dropped off at the college dorm freshman year, my dad told me, “you’re on your own!” and shipped out. So I’ve been on my own for… 24 years? Gee whiz, and never married.

I mainly dumped girlfriends for blocking my plans. I wanted to move out of the Bible Belt, I wanted to buy a house. That’s pretty much it. Real easy to explain, you’d think I could meet someone who could get on board with THAT, what could be a better foundation for a relationship? Well, apparently other people have radically different ideas about what I should do with my time, money and effort, and are willing to manipulate me into following their vision if they can. This is how hot women get dumped.

My family is ok with family members and their friends committing potentially fatal hate crimes against me- at least, they won’t hold the perpetrators accountable, or even really talk about it. Sweep it under the rug, that’s the answer. So I don’t have a good relationship with these people, I’d rather avoid them for health reasons. For me, moving back in with them under any circumstances would be out of the question. I’m doing great in my town with my job and my house and my money and my new girlfriend. My training is even going great, and I am reading several things at once, some of it essentially research projects. And 12 year old scotch, I never really tried it before, it’s pretty good if you like drinks. And I’ve got the gas grill in this new neighborhood, which means giant steaks and brats for all.

I’m not going anywhere. Some people may not like it, but that’s tough. I like to listen to music on my terms in my place without disturbing anybody, something like this late at night. My mother couldn’t take it. Maybe yours could, or maybe you’ll just cave. Good luck.

6

I’m seeing so many red flags I kind of feel like a bull at 5pm in a round place with a sandy floor… mooooooo!

How good are your relatives at making and keeping deals? Do you expect them to be able to respect your need for privacy - for your own territory and your own time? I don’t expect your mother to be able to leave a territory for you, not even your room much less anything bigger; she can’t respect your territory when it’s your own apartment, she’s not going to respect it when it’s her house. How is the relationship with the rest of the gang?

To me it sounds like it’s going to be to their benefit and your stress. Stress is the last thing your health and sanity need.

7

Well, colour me dumbfounded, but I always thought you were a sheila Idle Thoughts! :smiley:

OK…don’t do it. I know it sounds like an answer to your health issues, and a possible answer to your family’s financial issues, but the red flags are waving like Mylie Cyrus’s butt.

If you can manage, keep your independence whilst keeping family close at hand. Once you move in to your mum’s house again, she will start treating you as the errant son (believe me…I’m a mum and have done that with kids moving home!)

If you can come up with any alternative, please do so. Moving home sucks donkey balls…

8

I’d have to be actually on fire to move back in with my parents. I have grown too accustomed to doing whatever I want.

Also, bread goes bad quicker in the fridge. Cite.

9

Another vote for not moving back home, for reasons already mentioned.

10

Moving in with one’s parents to help them financially and for them to help you with a medical issue does not seem like a bad idea. It doesn’t seem worthy of the “Durr, lives in mom’s basement!” baloney bullying.

However, you moving in with this particular set of roommates does not seem like a good idea. It seems like you would clash, you would be miserable, and you might be stuck- they might guilt you in to staying for the money, you might not be able to get your housing deal back, things might get worse when your brother gets out of jail.

I agree with the poster who said you can send them a few bucks every month, from your own place. Although…if it’s government assistance money…maybe not? Maybe help them by helping them get their own assistance or loan or something?

I feel bad that you’re alone dealing with your seizure disorder, though. But I don’t think adding the stress of living with people you don’t want to live with will be as helpful as you think.

11

Get a roommate. Get a service dog. Get a friend to agree to stop by every day to make sure you are okay. But whatever you do, do not move back home. This seems like an awful situation with no exit in sight.

12

Well, I think you know this is a bad idea. You know there will be stress and conflict, not good for anyone’s health surely! ( Not knowing the nature of your health issue, what your diagnosis is, or if it implies you may require more care in future, makes it really hard to weigh your options here.) Also would you be moving across town or state or country, to accommodate them?

Do they need your help? Or your money? If just your money, why subject your own mental health to what appears to be something bordering on dysfunction and codependence? They are living beyond their abilities and supporting four adults, one just out of jail! And you think you can rescue them all by jumping into the contaminated water? I fear if you dive back in, you’ll never, ever manage to break away again. Feeling like a White Knight is no doubt heady, but it may come down to how much you value, and are willing to protect, your own mental health!

Before doing that consider the option of locating a nearby bachelor apartment, for you to rent and live in. Pour as much money as you feel the need, into their pit, and then see how you feel in a year.

The hard truth is though, (again, no idea why they need your assistance with four adults in the house, so, assumptions, possibly incorrectly made!) if they cannot afford where and how they live currently, no amount of money you pour in will fix that. You’re just kicking the can down the road really. They clearly need to make some changes, so they can get by. Probably hard, unpleasant changes, that will not get easier with the passage of time! Because it’s true that, “You cannot help people by doing for them what they, should or could, do for themselves.”

Unless you’re prepared to ‘do’ for them forever, then they need to ‘do’ for themselves. And now is the moment!

And remember they may qualify for assistance, if they need help, but may not, with you living there and earning!

Wishing you Good Luck, glad you have months to decide!

13

Don’t do it, you obviously do not want to and have solid reasons.

14

A few years ago, after having lived on my own for 12 years, I had to move back with my dad for financial reasons.

I did save a lot of money, this is true. But I also found myself being treated like (and acting like :eek:) a child all over again. My dad and I got into the exact same arguments we had had when I was a teenager, and worst of all, I found my mental health backsliding to the low point it had been at when I was a teenager, too. In fact, my dad is a lot like your mom, perfectionism and nagging and all. That kind of treatment is miserable to live with…well, at any point in your life, but especially when you’ve lived on your own and grown to enjoy your freedom.

The fact that you’re doing this not out of necessity for yourself but to help them with financial problems…Idle Thoughts, dude…don’t do it. You know you don’t want to do it – that is coming through in your OP – and it’s not your responsibility to bail them out of their own problems. You know in your heart you’ll be miserable with them. Maybe you can help them out in some other way, even giving them money if you want (if you want), but you don’t have to live with them to do it. Keep your independence and take care of yourself.

I mean, I don’t know about you, but it took me at least 10 years of living on my own to really feel confident that, no, I don’t do every single fucking thing in life wrong. My dad loves me and means well, but this was what I believed after growing up with him and his insatiable perfectionism. Then I moved back in with him and got the same kind of treatment, and before long I found myself genuinely believing I was an irredeemable fuck-up all over again. But then I got a job, and then a promotion, and now I live by myself again in an apartment with my cats and love it and do not, contrary to what I heard for 18+3 years, Fail At Life in General.

To sum up: DON’T DO WHAT I DID, SAVE YOURSELF! :stuck_out_tongue:

(But I mean it.)

15

Don’t do it. No good can come of it.

In my weak moments, every year or so, I sometimes think “Wouldn’t it be a good thing if my folks lived with us, so we can look after them if something happened”. Then I wake up, and once again transfer the rent for their managed-care retirement flat, because I love my parents, but would kill them if I lived with them again. Or at least, my Mom.

16

If you think your life may be at risk, do it.

If you think your parents may be at risk of … bankruptcy? Don’t do it, because mingling your finances may put you on the same boat. And you may end up committed to subsidizing them until they die.

For any other reason, don’t do it.

17

Don’t do it. As far as your health goes, You’ve said in another thread you haven’t has a seizure since you started taking medication. It could very well be difficult to get your HUD subsidized housing back. I would keep my apartment, and try to help a little financially if I could.

I didn’t read one positive reason for you.

If you think you must do it, maybe you could move in for 2 weeks and see what it’s like, before you give up your apartment. Two weeks should give you a pretty good idea what you’d be getting into.

18

Your OP is a long list of reasons not to do it. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t good, valid reasons for you to move back home, but you haven’t articulated them here. Before you make this decision, you need to sit down and make a list of reasons why this is a good idea for you, and see if you find them more compelling than the reasons you have not to do it.

As others have said, when you’re looking at reasons to do it, they should be reasons it would be good for you, not reasons it would be good for your family. As much as you care about them, part of being independent is taking care of you first.

19

Don’t do it.

I love my parents dearly, but the relationship you describe sounds absolutely rife with soul-crushing chaos. If your mom can’t manage to respect your private space when it is literally your own private apartment totally away from her house, there is precisely zero chance she can do it with you living under her roof. It also sounds as though this would be a bad move for your mental health (let alone your financial health).

20

Impresses me as the kind of situation where you have to balance what you feel you owe family, vs what is best for yourself.

What combination of events occurred that led to the place where you - with significant health problems and some apparent financial issues - feel you ouight to be providing significant ongoing financial support for these 4 adults?

I acknowledge that I have no idea as to your health concerns, or other aspects of your financial circumstances which result in your receiving housing assistance yet would potentially be able to provide $7-800 per month. And I don’t know what combination of factors prevents your relatives from supporting themselves. Apologies in advance for not seeking the most diplomatic way to phrase this, but your family seems in pretty tough shape if someone in your situation is poised to be their financial savior.

I suggest your primary concern should be to try to identify what is best for you. Sounds like you have your hands full taking care of yourself, without taking on the rest of your family’s problems as well.

You are an adult and it seems like you have figured a way to handle your affairs and that you enjoy your independence. It doesn’t make you a bad person to suggest that your adult relatives do the same.