This is an issue that has reared its ugly head so many times in my life I could just scream…no, cross that out, I already have. Too many times, in fact. I’m surprised I don’t have permanent laryngitis.
Condensed version: I’m single, in my early 40s, and have lived with my widowed mother since graduating from college. The basic reason why I’ve never moved out except once (a horrible story I don’t wish to get into) is that I’ve never made enough money to get my own place…fact is, you need to be pulling at least six figures for any decent housing in my area.
I digress. Most of the time Mom and I get along – sure, we argue some, but what mother/daughter team doesn’t? I pay her room/board weekly and do the housework. She’s in her late 70s and in good but not great health. I’m her primary companion – take her shopping, etc.
The issue revolves around my relationships. Every single SO I’ve ever had has been put “through the Mom wringer”, with most of them fleeing, never to return. It’s not that she’s unkind to them – far from it – but as long as the relationship is “chaste” in her eyes, it’s fine. If I ever stayed overnight, I’d never hear the end of it. I can look her in the eye and say, “Mom, I’m staying over [insert SO’s name here], I’ll be home tomorrow” and be done with it, but when I do return, the arguments are neverending.
Marriage/engagement? I shudder. One of the reasons why my ex-fiance broke it off was because she nearly had a heart attack, as in, “You can’t marry [my RL name]! She’s my baby girl!” They fought about it every time he called or came over. And there I was stuck in the middle, not knowing what to think.
My current SO, thankfully, gets along with her. He and I have been seriously discussing officially moving in together, be it here or to another state where the cost of living is lower. Every so often she’ll ask me what our plans are. When I seriously tell her that we’re discussing all this, she goes apeshit and won’t speak to me for the rest of the day. I’m standing my ground, but every single reaction of hers jiggles my foundation bit by bit. She’s my mother, for heaven’s sakes. I just can’t blindly turn away. Besides, I’ve never been able to.
Any suggestions, insights, or whatever? How do I make her understand?
(PS – mods, if you feel this post doesn’t belong in the Pit, please feel free to move it…)