May I bring to your attention my sainted Aunt Peggy? Peggy was undoubtedly one of the dearest people that ever walked the face of this earth. Sadly enough, she also happened to be the eldest daughter of my paternal grandmother-a true bitch on wheels.
Granny managed to wreck Peggy’s first engagement by bringing her illegitimate son to the engagement party. Not an acceptable thing to do in WWII class conscious Britain. She spent oh, the next 20 years or so driving every other potential suitor off. Hell, she’d even get jealous if Peg and I, her own granddaughter did anything together. Can you say controlling? Finally, when Peggy was in her mid 40’s, she met a man that could not be driven away. Granny dearest tried her best, I should add, but Stan stuck by his guns. They married and had approximately 15 good years together before early Alzheimer’s got him.
My point? There’s nothing wrong with staying with your mother if that’s your choice. But and this is the big but, it sure doesn’t sound like it’s really what you want to do. So move out and get on with it girl-life’s just too damned short.
Regards and good luck,
That’s not a healthy environment at all. At the very least you cannot let your mother have power over your relationships when you are 40 years old. Arguing about staying over for the night? Unthinkable! I agree someone needs to give you a hard wake up slap and it ain’t gonna be me. Good luck!
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. IANAP, but it sounds as though your mother is afraid of you leaving her, thereby sabotaging (perhaps unconsciously) you and your relationships. It is also her way of keeping you, her little girl, under her control. I have to agree with the posters that advised counseling. Does your mom have any outside interests, or are you her only contact with the outside world?
This is more of a "For what it’s worth"kind of post. I too had a Mom who tried to run my life. Oh boy, did she try! I moved in with Mr zoogirl when I was almost twenty-one and for the first couple of years I sort of went backand forth. It wasn’t too bad while Dad was alive, but he died the day before our older son was born. They’d both been alchoholics for years too. It didn’t matter that I now had my own family, I was expected to jump! One of the main problems was that on top of the alcoholism, she wqs also agorrophobic-wouldn’t leave the house. This meant I was expected to do all her shopping etc. By the time I had Kid, the Younger her health was about shot. She had a couple of strokes, and couldn’t be left alone. At least she stopped drinking. The last year or so my schedual was this- sleep at her place, get up and feed her, run home, grab the kids, or at least Kid, the Elder, drop him at school, go back to her place, at noon, back to the school, take home the kid, feed him lunch, back to the school, back home until 2:00, back to her place, back to the school at 3:00, take home the kid, back to her place from 6:00-6:30, home until it was time to go to her place for the night at 9:00. All of which I did on foot or bike. Damn I was tired! Some of the time Mr zoogirl had Kid, the Younger, but if he got work, I ended up dragging him along. And why did I do it? Because she was my Mom and I couldn’t so no. My friends where taking bets on which of us would keel over first. She died in '95. On the whole I’m glad I did it. I was the only child, so there was no one to share the responsibility and her mental problems made it impossible for her to tolerate a strange caregiver. We did finally get in a respite worker for the odd day, but the stress was more than it was worth. What I ended up with is my self respect. I stuck it out and made it as easy for her as I could. That’s something I can look back on. I wouldn’t want to have had to live with the guilt if I’d just dumped her and ran. Of course my situation is quite different-Mom was ill, not just old. Actually, she only made it to sixty-four. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it won’t go on forever. If my situation was the same as yours, I think I’d try to comprimise-marry the SO, but try to be available to her as much as you can manage, as long as you set limits. Unless her health goes to the point where she can’t stay alone safely, make sure you set days and times that you are willing to spend with her and stick to them. That goes both ways. Don’t let her try to get extra time, but don’t not show up either. Ir she can count on you being there when it’s “Her Time”, than she’ll feel a bit more secure and possibly won’t be constantly calling either. I guess all I can say is hang in there and the best of luck to you!
Have you seen the movie Only the Lonely staring John Candy? A very cute, heartwarming movie, and John’s character seems to have the same issue you’re dealing with.
As others have said, GET OUT NOW!. Do whatever it takes to get out. No matter what, you are going to have problems with Mom so you might as well face up to it and move. She is trying to control you and the only way she can do that is if you let her. You will not be able to get away from her controlling behaviour until you get out of her house. All the trouble she caused when you moved last time I would bet was directly aimed at trying to get you back in to her house (and thus, under her control again.)
She’s an adult, you’re an adult, and you can each take care of yourselves. She does not need you to be there. Don’t let her tell you otherwise. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and move out NOW and don’t let anything she says or does drive you back.
Once again, thank you everyone!
The way things stand now, there is a very strong possibility that SO and I will be moving out of state within the next couple of months…if not, then definitely not in the area where we now are.
Zoogirl, my situation is very similar to yours except for the alcoholism/illness. I am the only one. For all intents and purposes, my mother’s life has revolved around me since my father’s death many years ago. She is a loner by nature, has few friends, and recently quit her seasonal tax job because, in her words, “I can’t think as fast as I used to”. For my part, I know I worry far too much about her…:eek:
Eonwe, I’ve seen Only The Lonely a couple of times. I loved John Candy’s performance. Needless to say, the story hits quite close to home…so close that it makes me uncomfortable to watch it…
To Sunshine, BiblioCat, and everyone else who alluded to what happened when I did move out: It had nothing to do with my mother. Suffice to say that it involved as*hole roommates, a physical attack, and a car accident, all unrelated. The only thing I remember about the entirety was when she came to help me move out – she took me to lunch and I ended up falling asleep in a Tylenol #3 haze over chicken parmesan.
I’ve had counseling before concerning her – both individual and joint. And yes, I’ve been thinking of going through it again, even before I started this thread. Money is a consideration, and thankfully I’ve got some wonderful friends in the field who can recommend someone.
Again, everyone, thank you.
Maybe I’m relating to you much too closely, but I hear fear, love, guilt,fear,respect,responsibility and fear in your posts about your situation.
When I divorced, my parents were wonderful. I was 32. They helped me go back to school. I started to date and as long as they couldn’t see any men around, it was okay. I wasn’t “headed for another mistake”. I met a man. fell in love, moved in with him and they disowned me. I was 36. Mom refused to see me or speak to me on the phone. Months went by and one day my fiance left me. I had no roommate, was broken-hearted and job-less. I had to get my ass in gear and I was terrified. I was going to have to quit school, move to a cheaper place, all by myself. Mom got cancer, called me, I admitted Danny left me and all was well again. Mom’s good again, and three years later here I am. I graduated, got a great job and am in love with “another mistake.” She and Dad sacrificed to put me through school and I pull this again?
My SO muses aloud if I’m going to wait until they die to marry him. When the pain of not marrying him overcomes the fear and guilt and respect and obligation I feel toward my parents, I will. But it’s hard.
We can play rummy, or if you got a few bucks, maybe a friendly game of poker.
Once that gets stale, say in like 10 years, maybe we can play a game of old maid.
I’m closing this at the request of the OP.