At the beginning of the year, we started to plan a small vacation to South Dakota. While my step kids do not live with us, they were included in our plans. ( Can’t go on a family vacation with out the whole family ) We set the date well in advance. We chose mothers day weekend because we had other things going on at other times this month. When we talked about it as a family, both of my step daughters said they wanted to go. We talked to their mother and told her of our plans. I told her we would like to leave here today ( Friday ) around noon. They would be missing school three days. She said she didn’t have a problem with it, as they both wanted to go and they both do well academically. Monday night, one of the girls calls. Says she has a band concert on Friday night. Can we wait an extra 10 hours to leave? She was told no, that we had planned on leaving earlier and could not wait. Her mom gets on the phone, basically saying that school comes first, so hubby says that he will stay home and not go on vacation with the family so the girls can still come up and see their dad. My kids are bummed, not only are their sisters not coming, but their dad is not coming. On Tuesday morning when hubby went to work and told them he no longer needed the days he had requested off. Normally they only have one person work on Saturdays. This was my hubby’s Saturday to work. So the other guy makes plans since he no longer has to work. Last night, my oldest step daughter calls and says they don’t want to come for the weekend at all. Now there is no arguing with them over this matter, because in the past their mom has told them if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. So here I sit, going on a family vacation without half my family. The kids and I will have a good time. I will miss not having my husband and step kids there, but I am pissed that hubby could have came if they would have told him on the phone Monday night they didn’t want to come at all over the weekend. It’s hard to try to plan things when you have 7 people to consider. A lot of time was spent organizing and planning the time we are spending in South Dakota. Part of me wants to say screw it and not go at all, but then part of me wants to go ahead and go since I have already packed and my kids are so excited. I am angry that our plans can be changed by a phone call, with no consideration at all.
Does this really motivate me to make efforts to include them in my future plans? Not really. It’s sad that I feel this way. We are planning on doing things in each of the other summer months, in June we are planning on taking the kids to Milwaukee, in July we are going to a family reunion and camping, and in August we were planning a trip to an amusement park in Missouri.
My eyes totally glazed over reading that.
/need coffee
To be fair, you really can’t skip a band concert. When I was in the school band, missing the concert would get you an F.
So I can see the girl saying she can’t go.
And since it is Mother’s Day weekend it kind of makes sense that they stay with their mom. Doesn’t it?
Why couldn’t hubby drive up with the girls in a second car?
Oh well, have a good time with your kids.
Why couldn’t you have waited 10 hours?
Yes, but I believe she knew well in advance that they had a concert on Friday. I don’t think the band instructor came to class on Monday and said “oh, we have a band concert on Friday and if you don’t go you will get an F” She probably knew ahead of time, and choose not to say anything, hoping we would wait until after it was over to leave.
We talked about this with thier mother before- she said they weren’t doing anything for the day. We won’t have them here for fathers day because one of them will be getting home from camp the Saturday before, and the other on will be leaving for camp the day after.
Because he has to work Saturday ( half day ) and be back to work Monday. When they first talked on the phone on Monday night, the girls were still going to come up for the weekend, but go back home as they would normally do Sunday night. So he had no need to take Monday and Tuesday off work.
I am sure I will.
We are driving up - we have made room reservations for Friday night - 10 hours makes a big difference when you are driving.
Thats still a minor inconvenience, you could still have driven up, and checked in late.
Or cancelled your Reservation for the Friday and driven up on Saturday instead. It might mean one less day away, but it would mean the same amount of days together. I’m not having a go at you, but all this could have been prevented if you had have waited until after the concert to leave.
I think in the future when you make plans with your step-daughters, if they cancel or want to change things at the last minute, the only fair response is “Sorry, but these are the plans as agreed on. We go with you, or without you, but we’re still going.” I’m sure your husband wants to see his daughters, but they’re the ones cancelling, not him.
Already gave them a credit card, you get billed weather you stay or not. The thing that makes me mad is that they knew about the band concert before I made room reservations, but didn’t tell us until after the reservations were made. I am not as mad at the girls for not coming as I am at the fact that they told their dad they would be coming here for the weekend ( after the concert ) and he decided to not go with us then they called and said they weren’t coming here at all. If they would have said on Monday they didn’t want to come at all - we would have been sad they chose not to come, but hubby still would have been able to come.
How about you cancel friday night and eat the charges. Then, you make the kid pay it off by chipping rocks in the yard for a few hours?
Don’t know what hotel/motel you’re talking about here, but every one I’ve ever dealt with will cancel with no penalty provided you give them at least 24 hrs notice. The reason for the credit card guarantee is so that if you just don’t show and they hold the room for you, they will charge your card.
Even if I do not leave today, it doesn’t change the fact that my husband can not go. He is now working Saturday and Monday and Tuesday. He told them that he would not go on vacation, he would stay home so he could go to the band concert Friday night, he would go ahead and work on Saturday ( his normal day to work ) and he and the girls would do something else this weekend. Then he would go to work as normal on Monday.
The reason I am pissed is that they knew this on Monday, and waited til last night to call and cancel the weekend with their dad. Not only are they not going to be able to go, but their dad is now stuck at home, FOR NO REASON. Had they said on the phone Monday night, that they would rather not come at all for the weekend, he wouldn’t have decided to go ahead and work, he would have keep his days off and went with the kids and I.
Speaking as both a mom and a step mom, I feel a bit torn, here.
I can certainly empathize that you want your husband there, and yes, he should be there. I’m not sure about his reasoning for not following you up on Saturday. I mean, even if the girls were going to be with him for the weekend, why could they not have followed then?
Yes, there should have been more communication from your step daughter; I’m
thinking maybe she was scared about telling her father and possibly getting in trouble?
She made a mistake. Kids do that. It’s their job. They screw up, learn from the screw ups and move on. I know you’re disappointed, but don’t place this whole thing on her shoulders. Being a step mom unfortunately means you’re the one who has to be flexible and understanding. Sucks, but there it is.
He has to be back to work on Monday. It does not make sense for him to drive up on Saturday to leave Sunday late morning. Its a 10-11 hour drive.
They have never gotten in trouble for having school functions. We often trade weekends when dances and the like are scheduled. When their mom was told about the dates, you think their mom maybe would have checked out the school calendar? If my step daughter would have told us even as much as last Saturday, we could have changed to accomodate the Friday concert. We could have left early Saturday morning and not came home until Wednesday. Still spent the same amount of time gone, the kids would have still only missed three days of school. Her timing just sucked.
I am not blaming her , I am upset by the fact that she should have told us sooner, so we could have made other arrangements. I am also upset that they knew their dad was not going so he could spend the weekend with them, and they waited three more days to call and say they weren’t coming up here this weekend, AFTER THEY KNEW HE PLANNED ON SPENDING THE WEEKEND WITH THEM.
There is a difference in being upset with someone and blaming them.
Any hoo -
It’s time for me to head to school to get the other kids and take off.
I think you misunderstood…What I meant to ask was, “why would he cancel his vacation days in the first place? It’s one night. There’s no reason they couldn’t have followed you Saturday morning.” It just doesn’t make sense to have completely missed out on everything just because of one night. 
Ah, well. Have fun, at any rate.
This might be a silly question, but have you had trouble like this with your step-daughters before? And how old are they?
I’m sorry you’re going through this crap, and understand- I’m a step-parent myself. But there are a couple of factors that you might want to consider:
- kids are stupid
- Mother’s day is a sacred holiday for some. even if they were not ‘doing anything,’ it might have been considered bad form to skip out on mom
- There might be something your husband isn’t telling you re: this situation (his reaction seems a bit odd)
- their mom might have said/done something you’re not aware of
- they might have other reasons for not wanting to go (South Dakota?)
- kids are stupid and undependable
Just my thoughts. Of course, I’m ruling out the ‘secretly hate you’ angle because you seem like a very pleasant person.
and btw- what was your original time frame for this trip? It seems odd to have a ‘vacation’ with a 10-11 hour drive that only lasts for 2-3 days.
The motel I’ll be stay at this weekend stated emphatically that my reservations are non-cancellable. That’s at a Holliday Inn in Austin, TX.
Yes, there is a reason, I had the family car- the family minivan had a minor collision with a deer April 26th. His truck is a) old b) not comfortable c) probably not going to make a 10 hour drive.
- yes, and irresponsible
- we have had them on Mothers Day in years past. In our two families, it really isn’t a big deal.
- He had other motivations I did not know about. When I got home I had a new hard wood floor in my kitchen. It was much easier to do with out the little kids running around. He would have waited to do it another weekend shipped the kids off to grandmas if he would have known the older girls were not going to come at all.
- I think you may be on to something here
- There is a lot to do in South Dakota - also if they didnt want to go, they could have told us ahead of time, no hard feelings. We have never made them go anywhere with us. Its presented as an option.
- and irresponsible, too
5 days and 4 nights, which is what it turned out to be. While we only spent 3 days in the same place, we had other things planned to do along the way.
All in all, it turned out to be an awesome trip. I had a blast with my three kids and got to spend a lot of time connecting with them and seeing the world throught their eyes.
I’m having trouble understanding all the staunch defenders of the irresponsible actions of these teenagers and their mother. Is making excuses for irresponsible behavior what you’re teaching your children?
By going with the plans they’d previously agreed upon, misstee was teaching those kids - about planning ahead, about money, about making choices and about how the world does not revolve around them and their schedules. Actually, I think that lesson would have been even futher reinforced if her husband had chosen to go with the original plans as well, but he had an ulterior motive (new hardwood floor - very nice).
We lament over and over about ‘kids today’. The way they learn is by example, through experiences and trial and error. What kind of example are you suggesting misstee have set for them in this case? ‘Sure, we’ll change the plans we’ve had for months, the ones we confirmed with you 3 days ago, because you forgot to check your schedule. We’ll take the hit on the hotel room and everything. No problem.’
It was a problem. Those kids wanted their cake and vacation, too. Due to their irresponsible behavior, they lost out on the vacation. The big shame in this whole thing is that their dad lost out on his vacation and then they changed their minds about spending the weekend with him.
It wasn’t important enough to spend the weekend with Dad. No, no, no. We wanted to go on vacation. If we don’t get to go on vacation, we’re not coming to see ya, Dad.
If everyone in this thread who defended this behavior is letting their kids get away with similar behavior, no wonder ‘kids today’ are so screwed up.
I wasn’t defending the kids’ behaviour, sperfur. I was asking misstee to clear up something I didn’t understand, as I thought it kinda sucked she wouldn’t have her husband with her to enjoy the vacation with the kids. I know I wouldn’t be all that happy about it, either. I don’t think the OP thought I was defending them.
Yes, you’re right. Kids absolutely DO learn by example; some examples we don’t even know we’re showing them.
Yes, by all means, the older girls should have called and given notice about the school function, but as it WAS a school function, probably something she was being graded on (I don’t know, misstee?) she needed to be there for that. I was simply thinking out loud of ways to make sure everyone got to go, which is what it sounded like the OP wanted. Had I thought of it before she left, I would also have suggested maybe renting a car. (actually felt kinda bad about that afterward that I didn’t.)