'Tis the season for family bitchings...

The BBQ Pit
1

Normally I love my in-laws. They are generally pretty wonderful people and are overall very generous but I swear to all that is holy in the universe that if they keep this shit up I will take my husband and the baby and move to another country without telling them which one.

Our baby is going to be born next week, assuming she doesn’t show up early. If all goes according to plan my c-section will be on the 17th, I’ll be released from the hospital on the 19th or the 20th, and then my husband and I will be at home with our new bundle of joy for all of 4 days before Thanksgiving with all that comes with the arrival of a new baby (lack of sleep, learning to breastfeed, etc.) His family all lives very close by and we have always done the holidays together, this year being no exception. When we talked about this months ago it was decided that we would have Thanksgiving dinner delivered to our apartment and everyone would come to us. Everyone was fine with this until about a week ago when someone decided that it would be so much easier to just go to a restaurant. Perfect right? Except that I’m still going to be just a few days out from having had a c-section and we’ll still have a newborn baby, the reasons we decided to do Thanksgiving here instead of going out in the first place. Not to mention the fact that the baby won’t have been vaccinated for anything except that first HepB shot they give them at birth and the fact that I don’t hate the patrons of whatever restaurant we would be going to so much that I feel the need to inflict a tiny baby upon their holiday dining experience. After much discussion back and forth (with crying from extended family, because lord knows my not wanting to go up and down the stairs with stitches and a newborn means I hate your idea and hope you burn in hell) and emails of places with holiday dinner deliveries everyone decided that they could handle eating at our apartment after all and the discussion was closed.

Today my husband’s aunt apparently decided that we should all do Christmas in Florida! It’s warm! It’s fun! Wouldn’t we like to go to Florida for the holidays?

No, actually. First of all we have guests coming in for a couple of days around Christmas and we can’t very well tell them that we won’t be seeing them after all. Second, we don’t have the money to buy 3 plane tickets and hotel rooms during the most expensive travel week of the year. Third, again with the unvaccinated baby and not hating the people on the plane enough to force them to sit with a month-old child for a 4 hour flight. Fourth, all of the people she wants to take on this trip live within 25 miles of one another and it is ridiculous to spend several thousand dollars on vacation costs for a family holiday that could literally have been done for one $20 train ticket.

Cue sad faces and protests.

“But when my daughter was born we took her on an international flight 3 days later and she was just fine!”

“It’s just so cold up here during Christmas and since my mother died last year I’d feel so lonely without her for the holidays!”

“The money doesn’t matter…I’ll pay for your costs if you want to go!”

“I don’t know why you are so worried about the baby needing vaccinations…most of the diseases they vaccinate for are unheard of nowadays. I’m sure she will be fine for one short trip!”

:smack:

I didn’t realize that a baby would be such a fucking buzzkill for everyone, especially the way they have gone on and on about how excited they are about a new family member. The only person I expected might have a problem with this was my sister-in-law because she wants very badly to have a child of her own and so far she and her husband have not been successful. She is more than a little depressed that our baby was a surprise that we weren’t even trying for and she has been putting in a lot of time and effort with no baby to show for it. I could completely understand her being a little upset with the whole baby thing but it seems like it is coming from everyone else too, which is really weird.

I have no problem compromising for family harmony. Every year I end up doing a dozen or so things I’d rather not because I’d rather have a peaceful holiday than demand that things be done my way. I assume pretty much everyone has little things they compromise on and that we all do things specifically to keep from rocking the boat every now and then. Is it too much to ask that people think just the tiniest bit about our situation and decide that maybe just this one year they should be the ones to try and make things a little easier on us? I’ve been doing the holiday thing with this family for 3 years now and they have never once indicated the slightest interest in traveling or restaurants-until, of course, those things become a serious inconvenience for my husband and I, at which point apparently it becomes offensive not to want to do things differently this year.:dubious:

2

The family you need to be concerned with is your baby, your husband, and yourself. Make your plans around the needs of the 3 of you, invite others into it as you see fit, or accept other people’s invitations as you see fit, based on your core needs. And expect hub to back you on this.

As baby gets older and you recover from surgery (yes, surgery!!) you’ll want to expand your repertoire of events/interactions and you’ll be able to accommodate others more.

Good luck!

3

Yeah, put your foot down bigtime.

4

No need for all the drama. Just let them know you intend on staying home and be done with it. If some people want to roll around on the ground and wail because of that let them have at it.

5

I’m on your side with the Thanksgiving issue. I’m on their side for the Christmas issue. I hope it all works out in the end!

6

I did. I’ve been very clear we won’t be going anywhere for the first month or so and that our abilities are going to be limited for the first 6 months or so that the baby is around. I’m just so ticked off that they are acting like we are getting a tattoo instead of having a baby, like it shouldn’t impact our lives at all and that it is rude for us to be unwilling to go along with the crowd.

Apparently when my SIL was born my in-laws treated her like a rag doll that needs occasional feeding. Took her on long trips, brought her to the office, movie theaters, restaurants, etc. without so much as a thought about her health or the other people who were then forced to deal with a baby. My SIL and her husband are diplomats who go to third world countries and war zones and appear to have no problem hauling a baby along with them once they have one. That whole side of the family (except for my husband who thinks they are all insane) seems like it just doesn’t make sense to them that people would adjust their lives to their baby instead of expecting their baby to fit seamlessly into their current lives.

7

Both your concern for your new child and your concern for other people does you credit, pbbth. I don’t have children so am not able to just tune out a baby’s crying, and a baby can’t understand why plane travel makes their ears hurt. They just hurt, so the baby cries. It’s very nice to hear from someone who has some consideration for others instead of expecting everyone else to suffer with the child. And I think your little one can do without the whole ears-hurting thing, too.

Again, not having children, I cannot imagine why people would expect you to entertain just after having your stomach cut open, not to mention having a new little adorable life you’d much rather fuss over. And, ya know, maybe get some sleep. I don’t have kids and I know better than that!

8

On behalf of all travelers, I’d like to thank you for a) not bringing an infant into a crowded restaurant and b) not taking an infant on a plane. Seriously, every time I hear a whining infant on my 10-hour transatlantic flights, my eyes instinctively drift towards the emergency exits and I start wishing that I had a parachute.

9

Uh … no, they’re not.

As usual, heed the words of QtheM since, as usual, he knows what he’s talking about. Unplug your phone if you have to. “Family” is not some sacred cow you have to sacrifice your health and happiness to.

Good luck with the major fucking surgery you’re having, and with setting boundaries, and with your new little one!

10

And the setting of boundaries begins! At least you have a couple of cut-and-dried issues coming up immediately to set the tone so you don’t have to worry about whether you’re being unreasonable. Because you’re not. It is in no way reasonable to expect someone to go to a restaurant a few days after major surgery, nor is it reasonable to expect someone to fly to Florida with a 4-week-old, just because The Family Has Decided.

Just say no. Don’t try to appease them or rationalize it, just cheerfully tell them your plans and if you can’t do what the herd is doing, then too bad, so sad, we’ll have to catch you next year. And you’ll get to enjoy your baby’s first Christmas in peace.

What’s your husband’s take on this B.S.?

11

Vihaga is right, just tell them your plans and wish them the best with theirs. Don’t engage in discussions around why you have decided what you have decided, because you’re never going to convince them. Just keep repeating that you and your family will be staying at home this year and that’s the decision you’ve made.

I wonder if you compromise for family more than you realise, and this is why they are all so shocked that you’re not going along with their plans this year?

12

Wait you won’t go anywhere with the baby for a month? :dubious: When I was a newborn I was being taken out in the world the day I came home. I assure you I did not catch any crazy diseases. Same with my four younger siblings. Your baby could certainly go to a restaurant.

I never understood the whole having a baby and never leaving the house again. Or mothers who say they can’t ever take a shower again because there is just not time, and gosh who would watch the baby? I mean they couldn’t be put in a crib or bassinet for five minutes. :rolleyes:

13

Some newborns are fine in a restaurant (or airplane, for that matter), and some decidedly are not. I know, I had one of each. Also if one is breast-feeding, as is recommended whenever possible, it is much easier to do so in the comfort of your own home. Not to mention the trouble of toting along diapers, etc. And it’s cold out.

I know you’re exaggerating, but it is very inconvenient to have just gotten in the shower and gotten all soaped up only to hear the new one suddenly screeching like she’s just been stabbed. Of course you have to go see what’s the matter. And of course the infant is in a crib or bassinet. That’s not the point.

Any new parent is likely to be tired and need rest, too, especially during the few weeks after major surgery. If she doesn’t want to go out, and thinks it’s best for her own and her baby’s health and comfort to stay home, nobody else should have a say in the matter. Further, IMHO it’s important to set boundaries early for how much other family members have to say about matters important to the mom & dad.

14

I think you need to re-read. She’s having a Caesarian section, so regardless of whether or not she feels it’s appropriate to take a baby to a restaurant, she probably won’t be in a physical condition to feel like going out to a restaurant.

And just because you didn’t catch any “crazy diseases” doesn’t mean the lack of vaccinations available for newborns isn’t a real concern. Because of nutjobs like Andrew Wakefield and Jenny McCarthy, there are diseases for which we are losing herd immunity, and it’s not outside of the realm of possibility that a new mother might be concerned. That concern doesn’t make her batshit crazy.

She didn’t say she’s never leaving the house again, she said that she’s going to be careful for the first month. She also didn’t say she’s never going to put the baby down. I think you might be projecting a bit.

15

I did read the c-section bit, and should have accounted for that. I apologize, and I am also sorry if I came across as projecting. It’s just a pet peeve of mine that some people have babies and then seem to think they can never leave the house again.

I’ll just say that my original post is a general rant, and not in any way directly towards the original poster.

16

Also, “we did it and we survived” is pretty much the worst justification for anything with any risk evaluation involved. A realistic risk assessment is a real argument, telling someone you never got a given disease is not.
Personally, baby or not, the family would have lost me at the “we’ve decided to change our pre-arranged Thanksgiving plans.” I loathe it when people decide to change agreed-upon plans at the last minute, especially when multiple people are involved; it completely reopens negotiations for an issue I thought was settled and means any planning I’d done for the original plan is now moot. It’s maddening.

Also, convincing me to make travel plans to Florida over the busiest time of year, also relatively last minute, would be a hell of a task.

So, I’d be on the “Hell no” side of this, even without a baby. The baby just makes it actively insane rather than merely annoying.

17

Keep putting the emphasis on your and the baby’s health. Let them know this isn’t some capricious decision, but a real concern for your little one’s wellbeing. Back it up with a doctor’s recommendation if necessary.

You’re doing the right thing, regardless of family tears, and this baby won’t be a newborn forever. There will be other holidays.

When my son was a newborn, my MIL cried when we told her she couldn’t smoke in our apartment.

Your first priority is your baby, then your own health. Do what you need to do.

18

My husband is 100% with me on this and thinks what his family is asking is ridiculous. He was working last night when the Florida thing got brought up so I told him about it when he got home and he was furious that they would even consider asking us to travel so soon after the baby is born. He said he was going to call his aunt today and explain to her that there is no way in hell we are making that trip no matter who is paying for it to make sure she knows not to bring it up again next week in hopes that we will change our minds. He has no qualms about telling his family off if he feels it is necessary and will kick them out or hang up the phone in the middle of a conversation if he thinks they’ve pushed boundaries too far.

I don’t think they are shocked so much as they just don’t understand why we would make this decision. It is alien to them that anyone would not just continue through life exactly the way they did the day before the baby was born. I’ve heard how my MIL worked 70 hour weeks through her pregnancy then went right back to work within a couple of days of giving birth and her boss actually fired her and told her she could have her job back in 3 months to force her to take maternity leave because she just wouldn’t stop working. When my husband was potty training his father wasn’t comfortable discussing penises and toilets and stuff with him so instead of just accepting that sometimes parenthood involves things that make you uncomfortable they had a friend of the family come in and teach him all of that sort of stuff. These stories get told in an, “OMG, you won’t believe the hilarious thing that happened with mrpbbth was a baby!” sort of way that indicates to me that they really just can’t fathom changing their lives in any way for their children.

I don’t want to paint them to be horrible people or anything because I absolutely don’t think badly of them most of the time. I know they weren’t abusive and most of the stories from when my husband and his sister were young are full of adorableness but I think they just have very different standards than my husband and I do in a lot of ways which makes it very difficult for them to understand the why behind our decisions. We aren’t trying to ruin a family trip to Florida, we just don’t feel like this is the best time to take that trip. They aren’t trying to put the baby in danger or make things difficult for us, they just don’t see why we think the baby shouldn’t get on a plane at that age.

19

They say that now, without any firsthand knowledge of parenting. Maybe they’ll stick with that once they do have a baby; maybe they won’t. It’s very easy to think that having a baby means doing all the same things you’ve always done, just with a tiny person sleeping blissfully ( :dubious: ) in the crook of your arm.

Yeah, but we also get so many threads here in which posters opine that parents should never ever travel with kids, and that kids don’t belong in nice restaurants. It’s a hard sell either way.

As for my family bitching, my mother started her pressure a few weeks ago, but I seem to have resisted so far. She has a Black Belt in guilt, but I feel like I’ve gotten slightly better with each passing year about setting boundaries. Shit sure is annoying, though.

20

.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the real problem is not that they can’t understand why people would make changes to their life just because they had a baby. There’s a certain type of person who truly can’t imagine/understand why someone would ever make a different decision than they would and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with babies or children or even joint activities. * I suspect if there were no baby involved they wouldn’t understand if you didn’t want Christmas in Florida for some other reason , such as because you hate traveling at Christmas or because you prefer cold weather for Christmas. If I’m right, trying to get them to understand will be like banging your head against the wall. You don’t owe them an explanation they can understand and after you’ve been through this a few times you won’t feel like you owe them an explanation at all. They will continue to bring these issues up because they really don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to (fill in the blank ) Don’t discuss it or offer explanations- just repeat that you have decided against whatever it is and wish them a good trip , make plans to see them when they return etc.

  • My mother has spent at least 15 years telling I should go to a spa on vacation. She’s not even trying to get me to go to one with her. She just truly cannot understand that other people have different likes and dislikes than she does.